epidemiology | i'm losing blood, i'm gonna leave my bones

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i'm losing blood, i'm gonna leave my bones

CHARACTERS: Sieglinde & visitors (mostly current CR but wanderers welcome)
DATE: Four days after the return to Oska, weeks following
WARNINGS: Potential squicky feet stuff
SUMMARY: A bedridden witch would appreciate some company

[The pain becomes a bit more manageable each day. Some people might say a doctor should never be their own patient, but Sieglinde was managing her own regimen, dosing herself with herbs to reduce the swelling, taking teas to numb the pain, and let sleep come a bit easier. She could have fixed it in an instant with magic...

But it was bad enough she had asked Masamune to rebreak her feet so that she could realign the bones and attempt to return the twisted and damaged muscles, tendons, and nerves back to something resembling their original position. Bad enough that she'd taken away the proof of her ignorance, an act that to her seemed just as if she was trying to hide what she'd done.

Pain was the least she could accept in return.

She wouldn't be able to put an ounce of weight on them for quite some time, even tightly bandaged and splinted though they were, and even after weeks, she knew she'd have to relearn how to walk, unable to remember well what it was like, the way one walked when you had a heel, and sole, and toes in play. But at least it was in Oska, somewhere... relatively safe.

And at least she had books, and visitors. Even though she hadn't told a single person her plan beforehand, she couldn't exactly hide it once it was all said and done... and she had requests. Like meals, and books from the library, and entertaining company. She occupies her time in that manner, curling carefully in bed so as not to twist or put pressure on her healing limbs, pouring over her most recent spellbook and occasionally getting ink all over her sheets writing notes. Chatting with those recruits she knew, as if she hadn't done what she had. Testing how her bones were healing, how the swelling was doing.

Wondering if today was the day she actually felt less doubt about what she'd done.]

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[Gil waves his hand, dismissively.]

Oh, I meant Miss Rin. She's basically my Master now since Miss Pearl went away.

[Something he notes with a brief flicker of sadness across his expression, though it doesn't last. Gil watches her poke at the mutton with her fingers and barely stifles a giggle, digging into his own slab of meat. She must've been hungrier than she thought to eat it by hand, though he doesn't mind. Proper utensils were a luxury for his people, so they often made do without.]

And sure. You can go on dinner dates, like this one, or you could go to the movies, to the park, to the sea... it's more about enjoying each other's company than anything else, no matter the time or the place. Whatever you do, you do it together. That's what a date's all about!

[Gil leans in with a mischievous expression. Sieglinde, your thirst is nothing before the likes of this child.]

You know what that means, don't you? We've been on a ton of dates already, Sieg. We're practically lovers. ♥

"Basically"? I thought she was Archer's Master?

[There were a lot of vague things going around here, "almosts" and "basically"... She wasn't the biggest fan of such things, though she tried to be respectful of boundaries when they became apparent. Not knowing the exact details of how those contracts work, it seemed odd to her- the word implied a one-on-one situation by itself.

The ignoring of utensils was simply falling back on habits, rather than hunger... but her appetite had been returning. Just like the warm blush on her cheeks, clearing her throat with a small cough, averting her eyes briefly.]

Practically. You are a forerunner, of course, but. I have not decided anything, you know... we have barely shared a bed-

[She's not used to people her own size being as enthusiastic as she was, what do???]

She is, but... well, you could say she's helping me out here, so my prana doesn't run completely dry.

[That's the simplest way he can think of to explain it, anyway. Gil just brushes past the issue—he can sense the jealousy on Sieg's tongue, and as always, it isn't pretty—and sets the focus on her again, resting on his elbows with his face propped up in his hands.]

And we could, if you wanted. We could make it a sleepover, just you and me.

[Wait for it... wait for it...]

We could even do that, assuming you're up for it.

[Well, it was a much better explanation, simple as it was. Not a complete contract, but something like she'd done once, supplying one-shot doses of the magic he needed via blood or... Other fluids. Ah, yes. (Was Archer the jealous type? Somehow he seemed to her that he might be, but would never let such a thing show if he was. She ought to practice that, it wasn't very becoming.) That would do for explanation.

Mainly because even if she thought to ask for clarification, those thoughts dissipated in a sudden puff of smoke (steam, more like) when Gilgamesh spoke again, leaning in unconsciously and hands frozen... In the lamb.

Oh. This was a proposition. She really ought to have expected such from a "date", she supposed, and prepared a better response, but- it took her a moment for it to register, for her to recover, a sort of nervous energy making her almost physically hum in her seat, gaze rapidly flicking from the food to Gilgamesh to her bed back to Gilgamesh-]

That... Would depend on your definition of that...

[Perhaps all the natural lusts Gilgamesh usually possessed were now bursting at the seams in this smaller body, unable to be contained? It would be somewhat futile and somewhat cruel to demure in that case, but goodness this wasn't how she imagined it... The books she'd read always insisted a woman need only be placid, but as she was now she would need to worry about her feet and that was hardly conducive to- to intimacy, and-

Her thought process was probably playing out far too obviously on her face.]

[Gil interrupts those turbulent thought processes that threaten to overload with a very simple]

Hey.

[followed by an endearing smile, absent of all the perversions of his older self. It was difficult to explain and even harder to understand, but this both was and wasn't the same person. He did and didn't look at the world the same way, so it only stood to reason he'd see others in a similar light. But there's one thing she'll find strikingly familiar, and it's the soft, soothing way he speaks to her now.]

That's your decision, okay? Don't worry about what you read in a book, or what someone told you was the right thing, or this or that you heard was always the case, or whatever. I just want you to be happy. Happy and warm and safe, and with a choice that's yours. No one else's.

[Gil nods definitively, as if that sealed the deal, then returns to his food.]

You're really fortunate, because I'm going to live for a really long time. Pretty much forever, in fact. So I've got time. We both do. Worry about it later.

[And that was simply that.]

[Her books hadn't really explained that men were complex creatures who seemed to take some sort of perverse pleasure from convincing women they had amorous attentions only to turn about and pretend nothing had just happened.

What was wrong with them?

It leaves Sieglinde in the awkward position of having to pretend she hadn't been interested in the prospect at all, for the sake of her take on dignity, compensating for the sudden silence on her side of the table by stuffing mutton in her mouth. Quite a bit of mutton, actually, maybe a bit too much, because rather than cover the silence with something natural it made it drag on as she struggled to get it down while acting like she wasn't fussed at all.

One small thump to her chest and a clearing of her throat later, Sieglinde reached for another dish- and a spoon, this was too watery.]

That is very magnanimous sounding of you.

[She probably shouldn't think of him as more innocent than usual just because he had this shape... But she wasn't sure if she was allowed to ask without upsetting him, either. She settled on casual, so that it could be brushed off if he didn't wish to speak about it, but. She couldn't help herself, too curious in the end.]

I suppose you remember everything, then?

[The bit of annoyance left in her voice wasn't towards him so much as herself, but. Figures she'd get a proposition when she wasn't actually in the position to easily accept.]

[Gil stirs his soup around with his spoon, smiling fading fast. This wasn't a subject he cared to discuss, but he supposes there's no avoiding it. In the end, they're the same... just totally and completely different in every way that mattered. He mutters under his breath, as if ashamed.]

I... I know he's pretty mean. He says things, and does things, that are a little scary sometimes. He keeps telling people, "I'm terrible, so keep away from me", but I don't think that's what he wants in the end. He's just bad at phrasing it. It's like a lonely person shouting for others to stay back.

[Which is an admission she'd never be able to wrangle from Gilgamesh otherwise, but Gil gives it freely away. Nodding, he goes on:]

Yeah, I remember. Bits and pieces. Bigger stuff's fuzzy. And I just don't get it at all, looking into a mirror that's me—but isn't.

[Gil glances up hopefully from his bowl, eyes flickering with a fading sort of brightness.]

Have you ever felt that way, Sieg? Like you're becoming someone you shouldn't be, but can't even stop it if you tried?

[Even though she knew it was potentially painful... She had to ask. Perhaps once she heard it, she thought, she could then move on and continue their interactions as "normal", but. She still wanted to hear it at least once. Once couldn't put something behind them unless they'd actually faced it first- right?]

... I had similar thoughts on that, yes.

[Gilgamesh had warned her before to stay away, that he was not a kind person, that he was dangerous and fell. But Sieglinde felt the same hearing it now as she had then. A man who will admit to being terrible is far less so than the man who hides his nature. This... Smaller Gilgamesh was far more open to putting it in words, but Sieglinde had known what it meant from the beginning.

Just how when she had screamed and cried, pushed others away... Those were the times she most longed for someone to be close, and tell her things could be made alright somehow. Her eyes met his over soup bowls, and slowly, she let go of her spoon, leaving it abandoned in the bowl for a moment as her own expression grew somewhat pained. She still woke up in cold sweat from dreams of looking down at her hands to find SuLIN clutched in her fingers, from hearing her mother's voice in her ear, why do you weep, my daughter, look at all you've accomplished.

- She slowly nodded. It was in a different fashion... But she could understand what it felt like.

And maybe it shouldn't be said, put out into the world. Instead, she tried to pick up her spoon- missed, because she was still looking at Gilgamesh's face, tearing her gaze away to pick up the utensil properly.]

So- should I call you something different?

Sieg is suffering, too.

[He points it out with a distinct frown, but doesn't press. Even if his other self had learned of some of her stresses and struggles, he didn't consider it any of his business to pry in the same way. In a sense, the two halves were whole, but separate. One did not necessarily recognize the other, which made it a complicated situation for everyone else to grasp.

But Gil doesn't dwell on the matter. When he notices Sieg struggling with her spoon, Gil employs a quick bit of levitation magic to send it straight into her hand again. And he does his best to smile, as it was never his intention to sour their mood with such serious talk. He shakes his head and munches on a biscuit, returning to his merry self.]

Nope! Not unless you want to. "Gil" suits me best, but I wouldn't make you switch if it's uncomfortable.

[Gil pauses, stiffening up suddenly.]

It isn't uncomfortable, is it? I mean... you wanted to do this, right?

[Sieglinde didn't like admitting to suffering- to not being strong enough to escape such feelings. Guilt. Powerlessness. Regret. Loathing for her mother, for herself for being so ignorant. The masochistic desire to see herself punished for what other people forgave her for. The darker thoughts, that she shouldn't have unbound her feet. That she hadn't deserved to.

So maybe she was suffering. He obviously was- so much so that the proud King of Kings that she had come to adore and trust in some ways had turned and ran away, leaving them all with... This smaller and more open, seemingly innocent version of himself. Similar, but different. Perhaps she should say something, ask more, pry a bit more if he'd let her, but then-

Her spoon was in her hand again.]

You ought not use magic so recklessly if you're relying on Rin...

[The opportunity presented itself and she took it. Rather than address that suffering, she chastised lightly, curling her fingers tight around the utensil and trying to take another slurp of soup. Not that she knew exactly how much magic things used, in his world's standards, but. It had never seemed effortless to support a Servant, let alone more than one... (Reminded, that she ought check on the older girl, earlier petty flare of jealousy already forgotten.)]

- What?

[Wait, wanted to do... What? That drew her right back out of her thoughts, brow furrowing in confusion.]

Wanted to... Meet with you? Or do that?

[Gil flinches a little, pulling his hand back almost guiltily.]

I guess that's true.

[In fact, he can hear Rin's voice booming in his head, scolding him for doing so. But he'd only meant to help, so surely it wasn't that bad. Maybe Sieglinde was still unsure about all this after all. It makes him self-conscious, and without realizing he goes stiff in his chair, and his eating becomes almost robotic. Hesitation in every bite.

Now, it seems, the tables have been turned, and Gil's the nervous one before her. Fidgeting, his eyes wander all around the room, settling everywhere except for Sieglinde. She wouldn't be wrong to think he's blushing, either, as a rosy bit of red has settled on his cheeks.]

I mean hanging out with me. 'cause you're used to someone else, and I...

[I just can't be them, no matter how hard I try.]

[Wait, wait, what was happening... ???

Sieglinde's own thoughts ground to a slow halt as she stared across the table, spoon still suspended in the air halfway to her mouth and almost wholly forgotten. Why- why was he the one looking embarrassed now? And shy? And- and- whatever that was? Wasn't that supposed to be her job? He was the one who had just waltzed in here trying to woo her and suggested such carnal activities over dinner, and-

And she was quite unsure why she was blushing, now, to match, or why she stuttered trying to get the reply out.]

I- If I were averse to spending time in your company, I would have simply refused to meet with you, there's no reason I would have agreed if I didn't wish to-

[She might have once considered herself to be more partial to the handsome sort of older man, but what Sieglinde didn't quite realize was that she was going through something of an Awakening.

Cute. That was cute- What did one do with cute?]

[Gil cuts in with anxious sharpness:]

I just... I really want to impress Sieg, that's all!

[And so the truth has been revealed. Gil sinks in his seat, as though it's a source of shame. His eyes water and his lip quivers and for once, he's actually acting his age—or rather, the age he appears to be. Wiping at his face, he tries to look tough, but Sieglinde has already seen through it.

But undoubtedly, it is cute. If one finds whimpering children cute, at least.]

And I know it can't be the way it was before, and she wants a good husband, and I want to be that for her! I really, really do!

[So they're back to this again. But Gil seems serious about it this time. Maybe more serious than his older self had been.]

So I just want her to know, I'll definitely throw her the best, most amazing wedding ever! 'cause that's what she deserves, as my beautiful bride!

[Is this what people felt like, when she got upset? A weird knot of anxiousness sprung up in her chest, trying to think of what she could say or do that might prevent tears or bring him some comfort, hands moving to half reach, instead try to gesture away such concerns.]

If- if you are Gil, and not Gilgamesh, then technically we have only just met...

[It was still cute somehow, and she felt weirdly proud to see him cry, in some manner, as if she could measure her own worth in tears shed for her hand.]

So you have plenty of time until you ought to wed to impress me-

[Sieglinde might be young, but that didn't excuse her from hypocrisy- she was a tiny hypocrite, who was now envisioning it might be quite a long while before Gilgamesh should marry, despite herself accepting such a thing much sooner. (It simply seemed more correct that the husband be of an older age!)]

Besides, no man has ever shed tears for want of me...

[That was kind of impressive.]

...is that a turn-on for you?

[Woah. This took an immediate turn, with an abrupt stop to those tears. Suspicious.]

[WAIT A MINUTE.

Sieglinde stares across the table a moment, lips pursing and cheeks beginning to redden in what threatened to be embarrassment. Not the fun kind. The "maybe had the wool pulled over their eyes" kind.]

Perhaps if they were true tears...

[Gil laughs and laughs, going for his second plate of lamb.]

But they were! Well, sort of. It'd be pretty upsetting to me if you weren't enjoying yourself, Sieg.

Sort of...

[Sieglinde fumed as he laughed, feeling foolish for believing that his reaction had been real, aggressively stabbing her soup with her spoon and stirring it unnecessarily.]

I do not enjoy being played with, you know-

You're really cute, Sieg.

[Earnest praise for the save. Gil flashes her a heartwarming smile, eyes sparkling like little stars.]

I can see why he liked you so much. Because I do, too.

As if I will be so easily fooled so soon?

[She resisted the desire to believe in the sincere look he was wearing, managing to make soup drinking a somewhat violent activity.]

I am sure you will be very happy with your more ignorant brides.

So I should definitely come over there and give you a kiss, then?

[Careful, Sieglinde. Gil can and will one up you every time, at every opportunity.]

As if I would be swayed by such a simple coercion?

[YOU BE CAREFUL, GIL.]

[He's getting up...]

[She's sitting...

Well.

She technically couldn't get up and leave even if she wanted to, but. Beside that.]

[He's coming over... and closer... and closer...]

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