epidemiology | there are no happy endings, the end is the saddest part.

Entry tags:

there are no happy endings, the end is the saddest part.

CHARACTERS: graham, loki, sieglinde
DATE: evening of her post, a bit after the fact
WARNINGS: maybe mentions of his past which is not so great, noncon etc but I don't think anything horrible
SUMMARY: Loki might have a solution, but it requires discussing first.

( it took a bit of time to prepare. Sieglinde had people she needed to meet with — including a certain savior, much to his chagrin — and that was fair enough, because Graham needed the time. without a heart he couldn't be totally unnerved, yet he could guess the conversation was not like to be comfortable for the fact that Loki of all people had suggested it be private.

it's a bit before he collects his drink of choice, some strong spirits from Perdition's Rest that was at best an inelegant variety of moonshine, and returned to collect Sieglinde herself. it's easier to carry her than to have her walk, and his wound allows for it so that is what he does. he seems to prefer distance and silence today. a part of him knows Sieglinde is suffering from the loss of the man she mentioned, yet he's like not able to help her with that mourning than he has been able to help her with anything else that involved intense emotion. he doesn't like it, but that is simply how it is.

she had friends here that could help her. he'd seen proof of that in the people that had reached out to her. he had to hope they could reach her when he knew he could not, and try to focus on the task at hand. if Loki wasn't already in the library, no doubt he'd join them soon. )

Threaded | Top-Level Comments Only

[ Graham was one of the few left from Anwick, when Audentes had no name and they were trying to make sense of the organization that had spirited them away from the little tears in the fragile fabric of reality.

at heart, Loki was still a trickster. his actions were unpredictable, either somehow beneficial to himself, moving the pieces around, or fooling his own ambitions into thinking that he had selfish reasoning. Graham's predicament, one he knew intimately through his own experience, was something of all three.

instead of being fashionably late, he's waiting for them, albeit with a distraction. there's a book in his hands, open in a fan of dark nailed fingers, the binding supported by his thumb. a leg is carelessly thrown over the other as he lounges at the table, an elbow back, supporting his head. he almost looks bored in a sense as the pages waft when read, without help from his fingers.

there were a lot of uncomfortable things to discuss. uncomfortable, but important. he had learned so much in Perdition's Rest. ]

Ah, there you are.

[ he says it without looking up.

due to the festivities of the New Year (ones that Loki condoned, personally), the patronage in the library is scarce. it's good, that it is. there's less to overhear that way. ]

[There weren't many of them, were there? Not even Anwick, but even those who had been present in Chantes were dwindling in number. Sakura... Riza... Ahad... Ban... Alice... Peridot... Julius... and even some of them had been transferred for a time. Masamune had been one of that number, not days ago... but that number keeps dwindling, and the trinkets Sieglinde collects from those they've lost keeps increasing, from the gold bracelet on her wrist to the newly added tantou tied to her waist.

Thankfully she had projects to occupy her, and Graham carrying her meant that she at least was comfortable, giving her half bow from where she's seated in the huntsman's arms.]

Loki.

[The fact that he had called them to the library had piqued her interest beyond what she'd expected. Though most of the replies she'd gotten on her post to the network had been useless attempts from people who weren't experts at any related science or magic trying to offer some sort of invasive help in order to fulfill what she could only guess was a misplaced desire to be involved, (note to self: become better so as to never need work with anyone else again), the fact that the trickster god had even gotten involved, let alone asked them to meet him somewhere with a modicum of privacy hinted to something serious and potentially mind-bending.

And she did so want to hear.]

( there's a dramatic flair to everything Loki does, and at first it had been less than welcome. he knows another that had opted for constant ceremony and show, and he never cared to be reminded of the Queen. there's differences, though, ones he can spot only for the emotion he can't help but lack. there's complexities simmering underneath, more than the show he likes to present. without those, Graham might not even be here.

Sieglinde is comfortable in his arms, as long as she gets to stay there. he finds her a chair, and sets her down, before moving some bank away to lean against a table. he does not seem to want to be close to anyone at the moment. there's a flash of crystal on the table, and that's handy, though only because he's not drinking alone. Graham looks a bit more polished than he actually is, he'd certainly drink straight from the bottle if he were drinking alone. )

You'll take one? ( his accent tends to make most things sound like a question, this isn't really, considering he pours and knocks back his as he pours a second, and even brings it over.

there is not a glass for Sieglinde. sorry, Sieg. )

Aye, we'll be here for a bit.

[ Loki moves to disentangle himself. the book is folded back together before being left abandoned on the table in front of them. the musty smell of time and old books is in the air. it's familiar, and somewhat comforting. ]

So, we'll skip the pleasantries and head right into the business. [ there's a tip of his head. he gives Graham all the time he needs to pour. ] This existential heart issue of yours ... when we were in Perdition's Rest, you told me a story—one of a huntsman made to play a role of a villain.

I take it that you remember?

[ well, they more exchanged stories, really. ]

[Really, she should have expected this.

As much as she appreciated Graham, owed him her share of debts for his protection and serving as her transport, he wasn't exactly one of the very few in ALASTAIR's number who treated her as she viewed herself- like an adult.

Still, Sieglinde can't help the frosty expression that glosses over her face as he pours Loki a drink. She considers herself too mature to say anything about it in a serious situation like this, however... so she lets it go.

And stays silent, situating herself in her new chair perch in favor of listening to Loki.]

Edited 2017-01-08 14:53 (UTC)

( no, he wasn't, and no matter how much she disliked it at times, he never would be. he didn't misunderstand that she had grown up too fast, but that did not change what she was — a child. he wished for her to have a chance to go back to that, even though it was an impossibility. he was not going to forget, even if she'd like him to. )

I remember. ( he wasn't made to play the villain, not in that first act. he'd chosen to take the queen's deal, to agree to cut out a heart. he'd had his reasons but that choice would forever be his own. for all the things he'd felt compelled to reveal to Audentes, somehow that part of his story he'd only told Loki...

though, perhaps anyone who bothered to read the username he had picked on instinct instead of forethought could have given him away a long time ago. ) What about it? A story doesn't do us much good here. ( a heart for a heart, Regina had said. he'd brought her the wrong one, so she got to keep his. )

You and I, we're a tad different than most here. We're flesh and bones, but we're also remnants of ink on parchment. [ his arms fold in front of him, and he leans in a little, looking between the two of them. ] The stories do not dictate, but they do remember, and there is weight in that ... [ dark nailed fingers barely lift from the crook of his elbow and motion outward. ] Causes resonance.

Stories are not just physical, but made of interlocking metaphors. There are lessons to be learned. They're not real unless they're so cosmically perfect that the universe doesn't know the difference.

[ changing his own story had been trying. there was an oral tradition to most Norse myth that had long settled in the fabric of the cosmos, reflecting back like a glowing scar. it made Loki who he was, in fact, it made Loki, but it came with a price. ]

No matter how many physical hearts you cycle through it won't matter, that's the literal aspect of it. You can't re-write something that's not yet written.

You need to start with the basics, and—really? [ the hand waves outward now, at the stacks of shelves piled with books around them. ] We're outside of the timeline, there's no better place to start.

[Sieglinde had learned the power of stories that transcended her own world's in Nalawi, telling Nalawin deer children fireside tales of a mysterious trickster god that walked among them, of the tenth realm, and a lost sister. Tales to her had only been words, but she had learned their potential for power quite well.

Emerald gaze follows the wave of Loki's fingers, and the gears in her mind turned, slowly, steadily.]

... you propose to somehow alter Graham's "story"?

[The method she cannot yet imagine, but... she doubts Loki would have called them here without an idea or offer.]

( and more importantly, ) How is that possible? ( in a manner of speaking, his story has already been altered. it had an ending, he felt it, he lived it, he'd watched the last few sentences fade as Emma shook him and begged him to wake up. he doesn't know how he could have kept going beyond that, and yet here he is. somehow. a story stretched a little too long, perhaps, yet he's never thought to consider that was to his favor.

it sounds a little close to too good to be true, and despite the fact he's a living fairytale, Graham doesn't have a lot of faith in those. too good to be true, falls into place just as it should, everything all works out for the best, those are all elements for the heroes. he's not a hero, no hero can rationalize even for a second that cutting out the heart of an innocent girl is the right answer, and he'd believed it was for far more than a second. he's not a hero, and that choice was just one of many that made that quite evident. )

It's possible. [ there's a pause, then he continues. ] I've done it.

[ and on a much bigger scale than a heart. Leah, a friend of the Loki that was a child, had been written into existence filling a minor role in the story of the Serpent. she was meant to be a weakness, and she had come back half a person, unable to change and filled with bitterness. that child had used the power of Hela, the queen of the underworld, to go back in time and rectify those mistakes.

they didn't have that chance here. ]

It's no easy task, of course. You disregard the literal to work in the metaphorical, and that means our tools must be the same. Finding them can prove to be difficult, and getting them to work in the way you want brings risk.

A heart is and unpredictable thing, and an unpredictable method suits it.

[As impossible as the concept sounds when said out loud, Sieglinde has no doubt that Loki meant what he said- that he had done it. Whether that meant they could do it was another matter entirely, but.]

Tools the like of... writing in Fafnir's blood upon the Emerald Tablet?

[He spoke of metaphor and transgressing the norm... did that mean reaching into the realm of the mythical?

She far preferred the logic of "science" at times, but... she would not hesitate to go there if needed, especially if they had a guide.]

( the guy may not have a heart, but he's got a head. enough of one to ache a little bit at the riddles and mystery robed around that answer. and worse yet, he can't even rebuke for it; magic always sounded like bleeding nonsense when explained. he didn't like magic, for the power it had given another over him, yet he didn't like the concept of someone losing their heart more.

if this option could provide him what he'd lost without the sacrifice of anyone else... why shouldn't he try? even if the task would be difficult? )

Difficult, but not impossible. ( which means it is worth attempting. even if the result was failure, he'd still rather try for the possibility. if he could feel again, wouldn't a failure here or there be worth it? one could only hope so. ) What is it you suggest, then?

[ there's a point in Sieglinde's direction that says one and the same before he directs his attention back at Graham. ]

Yes, difficult but not impossible.

[ he opens his hands around the crystal glass and amber liquid, as if he were already preforming some sort of sorcerous initiation into the abstract. ]

We'll need a starting point. Your story, for one, and then something to powerful to transcribe onto it. We'll need good words, both literal and not. After we have our catalyst, we'll need to put it somewhere that resonates. This endeavor isn't just about the story itself, it's about making it real beyond a doubt, writing something so cosmically perfect, that the universe believes it.

[ there's a pause. ]

That you believe it.

[It's the stuff of legends Loki is talking about- the stuff of magic and fairytales, and though Sieglinde had learned the devastating truth that such things were mere lies in her own world... recruitment to ALASTAIR had shown her the error of that.

It was believable for her again.

But Loki's words leave her feeling unsure, casting a glance Graham's way. It wasn't that she doubted he believed in magic in general- she knew he was aware of the factual existence of what had taken his heart in the first place, but. She can't help but turn to the Huntsman, lips thin.]

... could you believe?

[Not just in magic. In a story that ended with him no longer heartless.]

( the first part was easy. he believed in magic, believed in its terrible power, believed how easily it could overwhelm and overpower those that could not hope to defend themselves from it. he'd been one of those victims, had he not? he believes in magic, believes as much as he hates.

believing in a story that didn't end with him dead on a cold tile floor, though, could that he believe in? one would think that he was still there, still moving still breathing when he knows in his world his life was supposed to end more than a year ago, could be enough to believe, yet it was hard for him to even imagine himself with a heart after all this time. for all he wanted it — and how much could he want without? — could he really believe in it?

it's hard to say. hard to know, knowing what all it required. still, whether he has an answer of certainty or not, he could at least promise something. ) I want to believe it. ( that was all he could give for now, but he wanted his story to have a happy ending, or something resembling it after so very long. anyone would, wouldn't they? )

[ while the exchange happens, Loki tips the crystal cup to his lips and downs it fully, wiping the corner of his lips with his thumb. green eyes draw back to watch them: Sieglinde hopeful, Graham's dispassionate response. there was a small gap between want and need that blurred somewhere in Loki's mind. want wasn't the half of it. ]

Well, if we get started, you'll have to 'less you face failure in all your hard work. We're in a place—[ he motions outward, to the Oska around them. ]—of very high opportunity. Don't waste it.

[ what he means to say is change will come regardless. here, now, Graham can make it his. ]

So, tell me, do you have an inkling of where that story of yours is?

[This was a place of impossibles. Where heroes and gods and witches and all sorts of people gathered, in a world removed from time and space, with magic and science beyond what many of them knew.

If it could be done anywhere...

Sieglinde stays silent, her gaze drifting slowly between Loki and Graham, just as curious for the answer.]

( a change of his own making is one that he can more easily welcome. changes forced upon him, decided for him, that's all he's ever known up until this point. in a way, even now, he is still forced to change at the behest of ALASTAIR over himself. it's quite powerful, to take control of his own destiny, and while his understanding of the world also dictates that all magic comes with a price... is it not possible that this price might be worth it?

as for his story, well, actually that might be the easiest item of all of them to acquire. especially since he'd recently been given that book exactly. while he hadn't kept it, he doubted Emma would get rid of it, either. it was Henry's book, his story was one of many lost in those pages, and she wouldn't get rid of those. )

ALASTAIR has a funny sense of humor. I do have an inkling where it is. I can get it, but we might as well sort the rest of it first. ( Emma would give it up to help him get a heart, he has no doubt about that... but one step at a time. )

[ everything comes with a price, it just depends on how it's paid.

Leah came back to reclaim her debt, and he knows that this could turn out like that: written into a corner, repeating the same old character tropes, never growing, always staying the same. he hadn't doubt that it was a curse, and Leah's revenge had come at the cost of that.

it's not something that he would wish upon Graham, but if it were him, he would take that chance for himself. there was a spot inside him that screamed for freedom and defiance, even about the selfish scheming. ]

Ink and a place to store it. One that resonantes. [ don't mind him if he helps himself to more drink. ] Something significant would be good. Sieglinde, tell me, what can science do for us?

[If he had the story... that seemed like it would make it a much quicker progress than otherwise. Good news- theoretically. She could guess if she had to... but she supposed Graham would be forthcoming soon enough.

And it was her turn to come up with ideas. Even if she couldn't know yet how much of that science could be needed, or if it could even mesh well with the magic Loki proposed... she at least had her share of ideas, leaning forward and pressing her lips against her clasped fingers thoughtfully.]

... Quite a lot, from a physical standpoint. There is hormone therapy... various chemicals that can artificially create a high that would resemble emotion...

[But those weren't her best bet.]

But if I can get a donor heart, there's transplant procedures... if the tissue does not match there are spells that could fix that- and there are immortals here we might could convince to donate.

[She'd never done a procedure as complex as that... but that never stopped her from succeeding in the past. As long as she could read about it, practice parts... she had faith enough.]

( c'mon, hasn't he been forthcoming enough here??? it was uncomfortable to say the least to lay his story bare, even if it would get him another chance at being whole. especially considering it was not a story he was particularly proud to be a part of. it was a risk, showing so much of himself for just a chance... but yes, he'd take it, if there was a chance at succeeding. )

I don't want a transplant if it leaves someone else in the same position I'm trying to escape.

( if he could see proof that the heart would simply grow back, his opinion could warm... but wrenching a heart from someone else to shove it in him was not going to be a solution he'd accept. which made things all the more complicated, actually. )

I can manage the book. As for a place that resonates and ink... That might be harder to come by. ( especially because he's not sure what sort of place would resonate, and if the ink would need to be magical or not. he does know of magical ink, but squid ink from Misthaven was not particularly easy to come by, especially when they were nowhere near the forest he'd roamed decades ago. )

[ there's a lean on the table, a glance between Sieglinde and then back at Graham. ]

There was that nasty swarm of temporal insects. Didn't the two cats collect a few of them for further research? Anything that has the ability to go into the past, may give us an opportunity to further a story.

[ when it had been Kid Loki, he had used the shadow of Surtur's blade. the opposite of a sword, of course, is a pen, and the pen is always mightier than the sword. ]

There was the ash from the demons in Chantes, though I doubt that would be strong enough. [ thoughtfully: ] Then the remnants of the goddesses killed.

[ lastly, there was always Loki's blood. ]

I would hardly do such a thing- they are immortals, it grows back.

[Sieglinde's tone is a bit touchy on that clarification, because as absurd as it was in a way for her to say it out loud, (at least, how absurd it would have been to her once), she only plans to solicit such a thing as a heart from someone who can survive it. She likes Graham, more than she likes most people, but that didn't mean she would consign another to heartlessness for him. She was a doctor, in a sense, after all, and her morals might be questionable, but...

Ink.]

I've blood and spinal fluid from the demons and chimera of Chantes, and the sea serpents of Nalawi... but little in the way of the divine.

[She hesitates only slightly, just enough for the learned social mores she tends to ignore.]

Though there are of course living gods among us in Audentes, pure and removed both.

[Not even just Loki. Ahad, a god of love, which was an emotion... Achilles, in whom flowed the blood of a sea goddess... they technically would not want for the divine, at least when it came to its presence. She even had a sample of Gilgamesh's blood, from tending his injuries, and he was one of the very first born of gods and men. Permission to use it, however...]

I can't say I've stopped to collect ashes of deceased goddesses. ( he rubs a weary hand over a lined forehead. Loki is not quite the dastardly figure he plays himself up to be, and yet he took his role of being a trickster just seriously enough that he can be a bit frustrating for a man that tended toward seriousness, even before his heart had been ripped out of his chest. at least frustration was not something he felt very keenly these days. )

If you can get me some manner of list, I'll do what I can to find the components. It is my heart, after all, I should have some piece in restoring it. ( he's asked for plenty of help, more than he's ever been comfortable reaching for. still, when it came down to it, he'd rather do as much of the work he could on his own... or at the very least, spearheading the search for the things he needed. )

Aye, as you should have some piece in saying what's important. This isn't just about the ingredients that make the ink, it's about using the tools of reality to confirm what is you. Whatever you choose to make will be you. These are examples.

[ it's subjective—frustratingly subjective. it isn't so specific as Sieglinde's science, but such things, like story and magic, never really hard. reality is a fickle thing. ]

Whatever you ask for, you must give back.

[ whether that's ingredients, time, energy, story, or hard work. what goes in will be what comes out. reality always reflects. he knows this all too well. there's a flash of a brief, bitter little smile on his lips. ]

Whatever you make, it will be yours.

[Sugar and spice and everything nice.. the ingredients for a person and their story. But what would be fitting for Graham? It wasn't something for her to decide, but the thoughts came unbidden. Hair of the werewolf? A relic from Saint Hubertus? Blood of the white stag?

She sinks deeper into the cushioned chair, contemplative, as her gaze slowly moves between her compatriots.]

Think of it more like us assisting you, Graham.

[And wasn't that something on its own? A witch who had done little to help compared to the harms she had wrought, and a god of mischief out on the path for his own story.

At least that meant he had experience in what they were trying to do, magic-wise. Science-wise,]

Loki's wisdom in this matter may be able to guide you... and I shall assist with the matter of the physical.

[Now, the huntsman would just need to make some decisions. ... "Just".]

Threaded | Top-Level Comments Only

there are no happy endings, the end is the saddest part.

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

cries... sorry guys... i basically did not exist this week

you & me both, friend

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject