OPEN.

[selfimage]

CHARACTERS: Loki & open!
DATE: January catch-all, including the party.
WARNINGS: There's some dirty implications and a naked Loki, so tread carefully.
SUMMARY: Celebration, pranks, fireworks, devious planning, milkshakes, drama, fuzzy handcuffs and casual invasions of privacy. The usual.

Loki doesn't have a routine. In fact, he does his best to defy all possibility of routine. There are days that he sleeps late, other days that he doesn't sleep at all, mingling in the library as if somehow the deepest hour will reveal hidden texts to him. There are midnight snacks in the kitchen, mischief to be had for those lucky few who come across him in his more disobedient moods, and diving into the recesses of the photo app recently added to the jewelcomm.

The new year came like the one before it, the celebration welcome as Loki stretched himself in what felt like a new beginning. Everything had changed, but in name only. Lucky that's where it counted. A few years ago he had a party for the Young Avengers, an attempt at an apology for exploiting their trust after pulling the strings that lead to a very sore confession. If he had stayed, they would most likely trust him again, even now. He hadn't stayed; he had left in favor of a new start.

"Happy New Year, Loki," he says with a hint of a smile, a mutter into his glass beneath the loud shrieks and pops of fireworks.

NOTE | hey it's an open log, feel free to toss in a prompt. if you need a prompt, send me a PM or shoot me a msg on hadal!

Comments

AHAD.

[selfimage]

[ while they couldn't be called routines (much to Loki's pleasure), Ahad and Loki had their own business to go about. true to their divine nature, the time of day played little in where they were when. despite that, when Loki doesn't see Ahad for a day or two, he knows what's happened: he's being deliberately avoided.

the hunch hits him when they never seem to catch each other in passing, and he knows enough of Ahad's nature to know that it's no mistake. when he had scrawled the name over the Dagny's request for blind dates, it had been half a practical joke and half a statement, and now the consequences came with it.

he thought of seeking him out, of crafting some sort of apology, but the essence of it escapes him. it had been what Ahad had wanted, hadn't it? tying yourself to another, but with all freedom. the constriction that came with affection seemed contrary to the idea of freedom.

yet casting away everything seemed lonely.

there were Lokis that had walked down that road before, and none of them were better for it. with a sigh he sinks in the chair in their room, placing an open book over his face as if it offered some solace. ]

[dailydouble]

[ Two days was nothing to him. It was barely enough time for even a mortal to grow wan at the absence of a lover, much less a god. Ahad was in no danger, and would likely not be for some time.

Nevertheless, he still found himself disquieted at the lack of contact between the two of them. It likely rested more with their unfinished business than a physical need, but it left him wandering the halls instead of seeking succor. Avoidance was easier, especially when Loki did not look for him.

It was only after he had bent enough to search out Dany's touch that he found himself returning to their room. Nothing is resolved by silence and everything seemed to weigh on him.

Knowing that Loki can likely feel his approach, Ahad simply enters without announcing himself. He'll pause just over the threshold to take in Loki's pose, then allow the door to close behind him. ]

If your intent was to read, that seems counterproductive.

[selfimage]

[ avoidance was always easier, but last time Loki had found that it came with consequence. where Loki was calculating, he was also emotional. nothing was done rashly, though things may be done recklessly.

with his thumb, Loki lifts the spine from his nose, a pair of green eyes peering at Ahad from beneath the pages. sitting up with a sigh of resignation, as if in greeting. ]

I thought I may be able to absorb the story rather than decipher it.

[ though the jape comes out as half a pout, a look of guilt, as if he already knows what he did. ]

[dailydouble]

[ Ahad raises one of his eyebrows, as he considers Loki. It's at the perfect height to indicate that someone is being mocked, although who is entirely up in the air. ]

If that was intended to be a pointed comment, I cannot tell if you're referring to yourself or to me.

[ There's also the option of it being both... ]

[selfimage]

[ there's a moment of pause before he sighs in resignation. ]

It was a joke.

[ a hand slides back through his hair, as if he's somehow guilty of that, as well.

even if it was just a small thing, even if he felt self-justified at the time, seeing Ahad right now dredges up some feelings of uncertainty. ]

[dailydouble]

That does not make it less pointed.

[ There's no heat in his words. It's intended as more of an observation than a judgement.

While he does glance over toward whatever wine they've stored in their room, Ahad seems to decide that forgoing it may be the better plan. He'll approach Loki instead, looming over him a moment before holding out a hand. ]

[selfimage]

[ there's a moment where Loki regards him. watches, as if that will somehow give him the answer of how to treat this. he's out of his element, and it's more than obvious. when he makes up for it, he usually does so with his own brand of japes mixed with casual arrogance.

that's somehow void, at the moment. he looks far younger.

with only a slight pause, he reaches out to take his hand, relinquishing current control (which also makes him somewhat disquieted). ]

[dailydouble]

[ As soon as Loki takes his hand, Ahad will pull him up from the chair. There's a moment of uncertainty after that, as if he can't entirely decide what to do with Loki now that he has him. Loki isn't the only one who's somewhat out of his element.

What Ahad actually does is press closer, trapping their hands between them. He'll allow his head to drop to the curve of Loki's shoulder, giving himself a moment to sink back into the comfort of physical contact. This was never a conversation that would happen without touch. ]

I take back what I said before. You're even more ridiculous than I could have possibly imagined.

[selfimage]

[ for the moment, Loki follows without complaint. they stand, for the first time, somewhat awkward as they figure where and how to put themselves. when Ahad takes the lead again, Loki follows him. there's a twist of a snake in his belly, sinking its fangs through him from the inside.

they sit, and for a moment he shifts as Ahad moves closer, before he settles into the contact. there's a breath that comes out of him that sounds like he's deflating as he leans into him. ]

I've made a habit of it. [ a pause. ] Are you angry?

[dailydouble]

[ At the question, Ahad pauses for a handful of beats and then presses a kiss against Loki's neck. It's not much of a reply, but it does indicate that his thoughts here are not entirely negative. ]

If I was, I am no longer. Why did you do it?

[selfimage]

[ why did you do it?

something about Loki's intentions were always a mystery, perhaps because there was no single reason why he did anything. there were always multiple outcomes, possibilities and statements. it wasn't a question that Loki was foreign to, especially as it had been asked of him so many times. lately, of himself.

this one is more painful, and feels far worse as the snake begins to sink again. ]

I wanted you to trust me.

[dailydouble]

You have my trust already. But I do not always understand you.

[ Ahad realizes it's true, but only in the moment he says it. It's not something he's put direct thought into, but more acted upon for quite some time now. ]

Do you trust yourself around me?

[selfimage]

[ there's a long pause, as if he's weighing the level of honesty in his answer. when he reasons that he owes it to Ahad, to the least, for sticking with him for this long.

his voice drops to something quieter, as if he's trying to find his voice for the words. ]

I don't think it's a matter of trusting myself around you. It's a matter of trusting myself at all.

[ it's an awkward admission, one he doesn't like to think about, but there it is, spread open like an old wound. ]

[dailydouble]

[ It's not a comfortable admission, by any means. Ahad is silent for a few beats, before he lifts his head so that they can make eye contact. Something about responding to this seems to require it. ]

Perhaps the better question is...do you trust me?

[selfimage]

[ it's never been a question before.

for Loki, it's not about trusting people, it's about trusting aspects of them. perhaps it was why he never trusted himself, because he could never parse it out to compartmentalize properly. ]

I want to think that I do.

[ this is hard for him. very hard for him. perhaps certain things have gotten so messed up along the way that they're difficult to salvage. ]

[dailydouble]

[ He's disquieted enough to pull back and stand, as if he needs to put some space between them. He moves only far enough to lean against the opposite wall, using the time to collect himself. ]

Then trust me to know my own needs and desires. Otherwise, we do nothing but hurt each other.

[selfimage]

[ it feels odd without him, even if the sudden loneliness seems far too familiar. ]

And how am I supposed to conceive what that is when you won't speak of it?

[ he's bad at this, he knows he's bad at this. there's not exactly much to draw from in the way of memories to be a good friend or a good lover. despite that, he tries anyway. ]

You were upset and didn't tell me why, as if you didn't trust me enough to tell me. I ... didn't want to leave it hanging. [ the hand slides back against his shoulders, his brows knit in the center. he pauses, frowns as if he's trying to parse out something he doesn't know how to touch. ]

I suppose I thought that I was sending a message that I didn't mean to constrain you.

[dailydouble]

It was never about you. Not in the way you seem to think.

[ It's tempting, to leave it at that. There's a certain part of Ahad that rebels against revealing more of himself to anyone, no matter how close they've grown. It's a struggle against his own instincts, to be as open as this demands. ]

I find jealousy uncomfortable, because it reminds me of being controlled. I have spent too much of my life as a slave. [ He'll blink, then quirk his lips in a terrible sort of smile. ] I am barely comfortable in this body, which is so much like his that I wonder at us no longer sharing it...

[ he falls silent, staring off into a distance only he can see. ]

[selfimage]

[ when he had taken this body, and the role with it, there had been a violent backlash. even now he doesn't know if it was his own guilty conscience, or if it was the initial rejection of the body responding to his intrusion. there hadn't been much to go off of, as it had been the first time that he had meant to inhabit a form more than convenience.

feeling foreign, like a stranger staring through himself in the mirror, he knew that well. a byproduct of his own existential trauma. ]

Sometimes those memories dominate more readily than others.

[ a pause, and a purse of his lips. ]

I know there are certain aspects of your nature that are harmful to you, and those that are important to you. I'm not used to having friends, or people I care for. [ though he does so fiercely at times, it seems. ] I'm used to losing everything, and I didn't want to lose one of the good things in my life.

Freedom is one thing I'll fight for, until the end.

[dailydouble]

That sounds very pretty.

[ Loki is always good at that. But right now, Ahad feels it constraining them instead of opening anything. It's not Loki's sincerity that he questions, but why they bother with this at all. ]

There is no fight here. I am free, because I have the ability to choose who I give myself to. [ He'll shift against the wall, finally raising his head enough to meet Loki's eyes again. ] You want me to be without constraint? Then leave, knowing that it will likely cripple me.

[ there's a pause here, but Ahad does not break eye contact. ] I did not enter this ignorant of what it would mean.

[selfimage]

[ for a moment he looks resigned. a hand moves back to rub the back of his neck, where it touches his hairline. ]

No ... [ there's some solidarity, spawning from his confusion. perhaps he had been thinking to big, letting his thoughts take twists and turns into details that wove themselves into a tapestry of unneeded complexity. being close to people had been something that prior Loki had avoided, because it cause a constriction of his own freedom. instead he used people.

instead he was alone. ]

I ... [ a pause, a breath, and he continues. ] He—[ a correction. ]—had been without anything for so long. No affection, no love, and he treated it as if it were his bane. Believe me ... I'm not afraid that I'll hurt you, not in the way that people hurt each other when it comes to these things. Perhaps I'm afraid that ...

[ there's a lump in his throat that nudges against the back of his mouth. ]

You'll realize that I'm not worth it.

[dailydouble]

You have no idea what you did, do you?

[ It's not quite a revelation, but it answers a question Ahad had not even known he had. Sometimes, Ahad forgets how young Loki is.

He'll push off the wall and move back toward Loki. It's a cautious move, but perhaps not entirely for Loki's sake. If Loki doesn't shift, Ahad will sit next to him again, allowing his side to press against Loki's. ]

Don't be insulting. [ There's a certain dry humor to his words, even if it is barely there. ] I have excellent taste and would not choose someone unworthy.

[selfimage]

[ it feels a little better, and his shoulders slump somewhat. instead of Ahad leaning against him, he leans in against his shoulder. it's words that are there, words he can't find. ]

I ... know. [ he does, but there are old conflicts inside of him that he keeps trying to cast away. sometimes they don't go without a fight. ] Sometimes I get carried away. [ he did that with Verity, not seeing the message until it was relayed to him afterward.

there's a sigh then, an ironic little puff. ]

This time, a bit too much so.

[ not to mention that he got a little self-destructive, there. it's not at a lack of trying, but for a god of chaos, all those new starts he always talks about are always more difficult in practice. ]

[dailydouble]

Try to avoid pushing me away, because you believe that's what I want.

[ It's not the entire issue, but it's a large part of it. They should address the rest of it, but Ahad is uncertain if he wishes to. Even if it will disappoint Dany, if they go no further than this.

To soften the blow of his words somewhat, Ahad will bring a hand up to tangle in Loki's hair. The contact seems to strengthen both of them. ]

[selfimage]

[ part of it.

it wasn't just believing it's what Ahad wants, so much as there are times that he believes that he's not good enough for him. it comes from a constant nag that he wasn't worth the love, and that somehow, in the future, he would eventually let him down. he's made a web of what ifs into a sad, self-fulfilling prophecy.

it's where King Loki eats him from the inside, and part of his own bad habits that he can hardly come to admit. ]

Ah ... [ it's an affirmative, on that account. ] If you don't mind me fumbling. I turn into some sort of inelegant loser, at times.

[ Loki turns his cheek, pressing his forehead into Ahad's shoulder. ]