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epidemiology2017-01-08 04:21 pm
OPEN.
DATE: January catch-all, including the party.
WARNINGS: There's some dirty implications and a naked Loki, so tread carefully.
SUMMARY: Celebration, pranks, fireworks, devious planning, milkshakes, drama, fuzzy handcuffs and casual invasions of privacy. The usual.
Loki doesn't have a routine. In fact, he does his best to defy all possibility of routine. There are days that he sleeps late, other days that he doesn't sleep at all, mingling in the library as if somehow the deepest hour will reveal hidden texts to him. There are midnight snacks in the kitchen, mischief to be had for those lucky few who come across him in his more disobedient moods, and diving into the recesses of the photo app recently added to the jewelcomm.
The new year came like the one before it, the celebration welcome as Loki stretched himself in what felt like a new beginning. Everything had changed, but in name only. Lucky that's where it counted. A few years ago he had a party for the Young Avengers, an attempt at an apology for exploiting their trust after pulling the strings that lead to a very sore confession. If he had stayed, they would most likely trust him again, even now. He hadn't stayed; he had left in favor of a new start.
"Happy New Year, Loki," he says with a hint of a smile, a mutter into his glass beneath the loud shrieks and pops of fireworks.
NOTE | hey it's an open log, feel free to toss in a prompt. if you need a prompt, send me a PM or shoot me a msg on hadal!
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[ Loki is always good at that. But right now, Ahad feels it constraining them instead of opening anything. It's not Loki's sincerity that he questions, but why they bother with this at all. ]
There is no fight here. I am free, because I have the ability to choose who I give myself to. [ He'll shift against the wall, finally raising his head enough to meet Loki's eyes again. ] You want me to be without constraint? Then leave, knowing that it will likely cripple me.
[ there's a pause here, but Ahad does not break eye contact. ] I did not enter this ignorant of what it would mean.
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No ... [ there's some solidarity, spawning from his confusion. perhaps he had been thinking to big, letting his thoughts take twists and turns into details that wove themselves into a tapestry of unneeded complexity. being close to people had been something that prior Loki had avoided, because it cause a constriction of his own freedom. instead he used people.
instead he was alone. ]
I ... [ a pause, a breath, and he continues. ] He—[ a correction. ]—had been without anything for so long. No affection, no love, and he treated it as if it were his bane. Believe me ... I'm not afraid that I'll hurt you, not in the way that people hurt each other when it comes to these things. Perhaps I'm afraid that ...
[ there's a lump in his throat that nudges against the back of his mouth. ]
You'll realize that I'm not worth it.
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[ It's not quite a revelation, but it answers a question Ahad had not even known he had. Sometimes, Ahad forgets how young Loki is.
He'll push off the wall and move back toward Loki. It's a cautious move, but perhaps not entirely for Loki's sake. If Loki doesn't shift, Ahad will sit next to him again, allowing his side to press against Loki's. ]
Don't be insulting. [ There's a certain dry humor to his words, even if it is barely there. ] I have excellent taste and would not choose someone unworthy.
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I ... know. [ he does, but there are old conflicts inside of him that he keeps trying to cast away. sometimes they don't go without a fight. ] Sometimes I get carried away. [ he did that with Verity, not seeing the message until it was relayed to him afterward.
there's a sigh then, an ironic little puff. ]
This time, a bit too much so.
[ not to mention that he got a little self-destructive, there. it's not at a lack of trying, but for a god of chaos, all those new starts he always talks about are always more difficult in practice. ]
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[ It's not the entire issue, but it's a large part of it. They should address the rest of it, but Ahad is uncertain if he wishes to. Even if it will disappoint Dany, if they go no further than this.
To soften the blow of his words somewhat, Ahad will bring a hand up to tangle in Loki's hair. The contact seems to strengthen both of them. ]
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it wasn't just believing it's what Ahad wants, so much as there are times that he believes that he's not good enough for him. it comes from a constant nag that he wasn't worth the love, and that somehow, in the future, he would eventually let him down. he's made a web of what ifs into a sad, self-fulfilling prophecy.
it's where King Loki eats him from the inside, and part of his own bad habits that he can hardly come to admit. ]
Ah ... [ it's an affirmative, on that account. ] If you don't mind me fumbling. I turn into some sort of inelegant loser, at times.
[ Loki turns his cheek, pressing his forehead into Ahad's shoulder. ]
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[ There's a warmth to his voice, which softens the words. It's as if Ahad cannot help but be sardonic.
While he doesn't move otherwise, the hand in Loki's hair begins to move in a pattern that's quite possibly soothing. ]
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the little jab is almost comforting. ]
I was ... serious about wanting to be better. For you. For my friends. For myself, too. [ it's just. a long road. sometimes. ] Ahad ... if something's bothering you, I would like to know of it.
[ he thinks carefully, and then adds. ]
Please ...
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I am...unbalanced. [ There is a concern here, a deep one. But it goes unexplained, for now. ]
With Glee, there was no need to define what we are to each other. We knew without speaking. But between us? [ There's a tension in him, but he doesn't move away. ] I thought I knew what you wanted from me, but now I find myself uncertain.
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... I thought I knew what I wanted from you too, but that's changed.
[ there's a little tip of his head and his forehead rolls against his shoulder. ]
I'm changing, and I may need to figure it out again. Not so many have stayed with me, not long enough for this uncertainty.
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How many have loved you?
[ Of those who stayed, of those who did not...
If he pushed, Ahad could likely answer that himself. He does wonder if Loki realizes what it means for him to ask instead. ]
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he can count them on his hand.
there's a pause before he begins speaking, slowly. ]
My father ... as much as I may find dislike of him, and as hard-headed and stubborn of an old man that he may be. My mother, despite her blind duty and insistence on keeping her lily-white hands clean.
[ there was Leah, who was not his friend, but a friend of a different Loki. there were children and lovers, but so many that were fleeting. there were moments of camaraderie with others, but no one who's managed to stick with him for more than a blink of an eye. ]
There's Verity. She's my best friend. Thor, of course ... who never gave up on me ...
[ he trails off a bit. ]
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[ This is not entirely about Loki. Ahad's tone is almost self-deprecating here.
Even so, he's not blind to who that list contains. ]
Why were you jealous? [ It's still a question, but Ahad is starting to draw some conclusions on his own. ]
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I ...
[ he begins, as if he's searching for the words. his mouth feels dry. ]
Was afraid.
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[ The question is asked dryly, as if Ahad realizes that it seems a strange path for this conversation to take. ]
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Loki settles against him, letting his eyes fall half-lidded. ]
No, not that I can remember.
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There is always a part of Ahad that is deeply disturbed at being thought of as a commodity. The risk in that situation was never that he would find Loki wanting, but lose to self-disgust again. ]
What we have...is not based on such tremulous ground.
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[ it comes out longer, like he's stabilized by being reminded. he's a creature of chaos, and while with that comes certainly as much as uncertainty, he's far too used to the uncertain.
there are times he stumbles, settles back into certainty, and then deconstructs again. it's in his nature, though he was never holed into that pattern being the only pattern. perhaps it's the part of him that he wishes to break down next.
when he looks up he ducks his head closer, tipping it to the side to find his lips. ]
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The kiss will be by no means short, in part because Ahad will share himself freely during it. ]
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there is relief mixed with quiet affection, reminding himself that there are some things that are not precarious. they are not so easily lost. ]