[Closed]

[dailydouble]

CHARACTERS: Ahad and Loki

DATE: January 20th

WARNINGS: Discussion of incest, gods being gods...

SUMMARY: Thor's gone and Loki's feeling sorry for himself.

[ Ahad had no one to blame but himself, for becoming involved. He'd let it go for a few days, in hopes that the situation would resolve itself. Even at the time he knew it would not, but knowing is an entirely different thing from accepting. But he'd become interested in Loki, formed something bordering on a relationship with him. That further attuned him to certain emotions, especially those dealing with the heart.

It was a resigned Ahad who finally set out for the Odette Memorial. The smell of the lilies in the park was overwhelming, leaving Ahad to wonder if this was part of the statement Loki wanted to make. It was easy enough to follow the fuss back to the source. He'll approach Loki quietly, but intently. ]

Well? How long do you intent to feel sorry for yourself?

Comments

[selfimage]

[ if it was something that Loki was good at, it was writing off his own emotions; he could avert them, cover them up with jokes and lie well enough to himself to somehow convince himself that they were smaller than they actually were. unfortunately for him, there were some things that hit him deeply, and hit him hard. for someone like Ahad, Loki's mercurial nature could be spotted from a few miles away.

he turns his head at Ahad's greeting, tipping it as if he were weighing the implication. the twitch of a frown turns into a sigh. ]

I am not feeling sorry for myself.

[ he is. ]

[dailydouble]

[ The chance of Ahad believing the words coming out of Loki's mouth is very low. Ahad curls his lip in disgust, before replying. ]

Then perhaps you're in a sorry state. There's no other explanation for hiding out here.

[selfimage]

[ there's no way that he can follow up "I am not feeling sorry for myself" with "I am not hiding," it sounded even more pathetic than it was. ]

You did come to find me.

[ also he is not hiding. ]

[dailydouble]

It was more difficult avoiding you.

[ It's more of a confession than Ahad wanted to make, but he'll own it now that it's been said. His pride won't allow him to do otherwise. ]

[selfimage]

[ when Loki speaks, his voice doesn't sound as harsh as it could be. ]

Did you not-avoid me to come and tell me that?

[ he's not certain if he's offended or flattered, maybe a little of both. ]

[dailydouble]

[ Ahad is offended. He makes a dismissive noise, clearly a bit ruffled by the whole situation. It wasn't as if he asked to be the god of love, but now he has to deal with these ridiculous feelings. ]

I could avoid you elsewhere, but you've become too distracting. Work on it.

[selfimage]

[ and there are a lot of those: loneliness mixed with bitterness mixed with regret, there's a sort of forlorn affection that brings harsh emotional repercussions. he ricochets between them so quickly that he's like spiral forming amid a tempest beneath a guise of bright green eyes. the smoothness in his expression is almost admirable, as if he hasn't a clue that Ahad can tell.

Thor was both a sore point and a high point, and the sudden loss brought some contradicting feelings, not as much as when he was here, but there was a void where the affection had been. a little part of him is thankful: there would be no guilt, no crimes to confess and it would be far less sticky having Thor gone than to have someone to constantly compare himself too.

...still... ]

What, exactly, would you have me work on?

[ he's still a little lost, as if he could either play dumb or he truly didn't know the extent of it. ]

[dailydouble]

Something besides brooding. [ As circular as it may seem, Ahad was considering the suggestion that Loki talk about it. Thinking about it seemed to be doing him little good, but speaking might be a different matter. Ahad was already involved due to his own foolish engagement with Loki; if he couldn't ignore the situation, he'd rather it was beyond this distractingly moody phase. ]

It changes nothing and has only made you and everyone around you miserable.

[selfimage]

[ admittedly, he's a little like a the age that he displays in some respect. his memories and personality bear nothing on his mentality, and he seems more in line with his whimsy train of thought than he actually does properly thinking this through. (but when had he ever really been one to think things through that didn't somehow gain him something?)

for the moment he doesn't look like he knows how to take that. making everyone else around him miserable is something he's either 1) not cared about or 2) done so much that no one's scolded him about it.

this feels like he's being scolded. ]

Perhaps I'd rather everyone be miserable.

[ he says it so defiantly that it comes out more as a pout in contrast. ]

[dailydouble]

[ Ahad doesn't scold people so much as tell them when they're being ridiculous.

...or if their behavior is poor enough, kill them. Not that being unhappy about a missing brother would fall under the sort of poor behavior that Ahad refuses to tolerate. Clearly. ]

Does it make you feel better?

[ He's expecting to hear a no. ]

[selfimage]

[ is this the honesty hour? is he supposed to be honest? should he be honest?

suddenly he's aware that he could be treating Ahad very poorly, when he did give enough of a damn to come find him; he asked about Thor, cared enough to ask. wasn't that something that he, himself, wanted to be better about?

Loki rolls his head over his shoulder and looks back at him.

he could lie about this, but he doesn't. ]

Right now? [ ... ] Yes.

[ though from the look on his face, he's not sure if he likes feeling that way. ]

[dailydouble]

[ If he's surprised, Ahad doesn't show it. There's nothing more than a certain amount of resignation set in his face. That, and he's completely unimpressed. ]

Ah, I see. You'll forgive me for not fully engaging in your misery. I enjoy living more.

[ It's hyperbole, but there's a ring of truth to his words. ]

[selfimage]

[ the quirk of Loki's smile turns ironic. ]

I never said I liked it.

[ but it happened, and somehow it did make him feel better. he'll miss that Thor: the young, brash Thor that had been at his side through the last mission, and into this one. he had felt a little bit like he could be better with him there, and felt less the narrative that created the rift between them. ]

It's most likely better this way.

[ he would've seen the truth, eventually. ]

[dailydouble]

Is it? [ It's a genuine question, for once. There was a time when Ahad felt that sentiment keenly; it was better to never form lasting connections, because people only hurt you. He hadn't felt that way in some time, but he recognized similar behaviors in others. ]

From my position, better is not what I would call it.

[selfimage]

Less complicated.

[ Loki clarifies. that, somehow, is it. somewhere inside of him he curses Thor, because if he never came here, then Loki would never know the loss, but he finds himself immediately taking it back.

how annoying. ]

[dailydouble]

[ He'll shrug, taking a moment to tap out a cigarette. ]

Our lives would be boring, without complications.

[selfimage]

[ Loki pauses, and then rubs the back of his head, resigned. ]

I'm trying not to miss him.

[dailydouble]

Why shouldn't you miss him? His presence here had an impact on you; the loss of it is something to be mourned. You love him, and his absence does not negate that.

[ It's likely more heartfelt than Ahad intended. He's compromised himself, by becoming too invested. ]

[selfimage]

[ the ball in his throat, the one he didn't know was there, falls down to his stomach and blooms into a pit of loss. he breathes it out, steadying himself. he did—does—love him. it's complicated, but he had enjoyed it. Thor's company always made things simpler in the way it made things difficult. ]

Sometimes ...

[ his mouth feels dry. ]

It's easier to be better around him. He's ... [ a pause, and then he continues on a different string. ] In my memories I hate him; now, it's hard to fathom it.

[dailydouble]

Hate and love come from the same place. It is difficult to hate, if you did not once love...and too easy to love again what you once hated. We are not static things; change effects us all.

[ He'll take a moment, slightly surprised at how much he's said. This kind of involvement could hurt him, if he wasn't cautious. ]

Be better for yourself.

[selfimage]

[ there's a slight hint of a smirk in his expression as the sudden pain subsides. ]

I'd not be better for anyone else.

[ there's a tilt of his head over his shoulder at him. ]

He was more of a reminder.

[dailydouble]

Then use the memory as a reminder.

[ Ahad was beginning to feel that the conversation was getting away from him. This is what he gets, for talking about feelings. ]

[selfimage]

[ where he can usually bury these emotions, Ahad reads him like an open book. it's somewhat violating, but in some ways it's also comforting.

there's a line between them that he can't figure out. ]

Do you have siblings? Brothers, sisters, etcetera?

[dailydouble]

[ He sighs, at the question. His siblings are a sore point, as always. ]

I have hundreds of them, but personally know few.

[selfimage]

[ Loki purses his lips, but doesn't look surprised. gods live a long time, and few of them abide by any mortal standards when it comes to the act of child making. ]

My father couldn't keep it in his pants.

[ an arm crosses over his chest, supporting an elbow while he fluttered the fingers of his left hand. ]

We have a large family, and not exactly one that gets along.