#1 cockblocker (衛宮 士郎) (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
anti_altruisms) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
epidemiology2016-06-26 07:09 pm
anti_altruisms) wrote in epidemiology2016-06-26 07:09 pm
Entry tags:
more and more for the pain
CHARACTERS: Archer (anti_altruisms & Alice (digophelia)
DATE: Sometime after this disaster.
WARNINGS: Self-inflicted violence, self-destructive thoughts/actions, blood, etc.
SUMMARY: Archer has a bit of a meltdown inside his Reality Marble. Alice gets to go along for the ride.
[ Archer leaves the castle and takes himself as far and a fast as he can go away from the mess he's left behind. Whether it's his fault or not, whether he is completely to blame or not, the rage, the self-loathing he feels is too all-encompassing, too destructive to remain where others can see. Everything he touches is inevitably ruined, in one way or another, and while he may not have fainted like Gilgamesh did, he simply can't handle all of this negativity clawing at his insides and threatening to spill over.
It's only when he's isolated, away from everyone else, that he lets out a shaky breath. He needs an outlet, needs one badly, and he doesn't want to risk anyone walking in on him in the training room.
Thankfully, there is another way. ]
I am the bone of my sword.
[ Energy swirls and crackles around him, malevolence and anger rife in the air as he recites the rest of the verse. ]
Steel is my body, and fire is my blood.
I have created over a thousand blades.
Unknown to Death.
Nor known to Life.
Have withstood pain to create many weapons.
Yet, these hands will never hold anything.
So as I pray, unlimited blade works.
[ When it's done, the world disappears in a blinding flash of light, replaced by a wasteland of cogs and machinery with blades stuck in the ground as far as the eye can see.
The twin blades, Kanshou and Bakuya, appear in his hands, and he appears ready for a fight.
Except, he isn't truly alone. ]
anti_altruisms & Alice (digophelia)DATE: Sometime after this disaster.
WARNINGS: Self-inflicted violence, self-destructive thoughts/actions, blood, etc.
SUMMARY: Archer has a bit of a meltdown inside his Reality Marble. Alice gets to go along for the ride.
[ Archer leaves the castle and takes himself as far and a fast as he can go away from the mess he's left behind. Whether it's his fault or not, whether he is completely to blame or not, the rage, the self-loathing he feels is too all-encompassing, too destructive to remain where others can see. Everything he touches is inevitably ruined, in one way or another, and while he may not have fainted like Gilgamesh did, he simply can't handle all of this negativity clawing at his insides and threatening to spill over.
It's only when he's isolated, away from everyone else, that he lets out a shaky breath. He needs an outlet, needs one badly, and he doesn't want to risk anyone walking in on him in the training room.
Thankfully, there is another way. ]
I am the bone of my sword.
[ Energy swirls and crackles around him, malevolence and anger rife in the air as he recites the rest of the verse. ]
Steel is my body, and fire is my blood.
I have created over a thousand blades.
Unknown to Death.
Nor known to Life.
Have withstood pain to create many weapons.
Yet, these hands will never hold anything.
So as I pray, unlimited blade works.
[ When it's done, the world disappears in a blinding flash of light, replaced by a wasteland of cogs and machinery with blades stuck in the ground as far as the eye can see.
The twin blades, Kanshou and Bakuya, appear in his hands, and he appears ready for a fight.
Except, he isn't truly alone. ]
no subject
It's not the castle she walked away from, nor the area she intended to sit and draw in, it's something different. And her first question is, what on earth could possibly warrant that drastic of a change in Hatter's Domain to strip it of the floating sprockets, gears, silverware, and madcaps. Nothing, really, and yet, it was so unusual that her first thought it had to be her own doing.
Well, if the Infernal Train hadn't destroyed most of it, already. She remembered there was more to Hatter's Domain than that, it couldn't have been; Hatter's Domain wasn't a wasteland of cogs and sprockets. A new hallucination? Probably, And with any hallucination, Alice adapts quickly, more irritated than frightened with a change. ]
I distinctly remember not falling through a rabbit hole, again.
[ Again? Well, the second and fourth time technically didn't involve a rabbit hole, but technicalities aside...
Her first instinct will always by to withdraw her her knife. She grips it tightly, ready in her hand and does what she can to find an answer or a way out of it. She tries to reason with herself to will it back to normal. ]
Oh, please, when has that ever worked?
[ It really hasn't but it's worth a try, even as Alice finds herself momentarily scolding herself to let herself get this bad. Well, she thought she was fine. She has not heard his verse, but finds herself approaching with the vorpal blade behind him, just as he withdraws his weapons.
This is weirder than she thought; she barely spoke to him and his presence isn't that strong enough to warrant a spot in Wonderland, at all, not even a hallucination. Then, perhaps, it couldn't be...? Then what was it? All Alice wanted was to return back to the castle and actually settle for a nap and have a supper, but apparently, her trek back may be delayed and rather than be a reasonable person and throw herself in distress, Alice's annoyance grows.
She heaves a loud, annoyed sigh- ]
And what sort of nonsense is this?
[ It's not... nonsense. He's armed and something is going on, but at the moment, Alice has little to no patience for another bizarre trip. ]
no subject
The ages-old cogs slowly turn, creaking and grinding as a hot, dry breeze cuts sharply across the desolate landscape. This world is all he has, all he ever will have, and it's high time he reminded himself of that.
Assuming a readied stance, a surge of prana ripples through the air, and dozens upon dozens of blades rip themselves out of the ground and hurtle straight for him. To any onlooker, it would look like an exercise in blatant suicide (and truthfully, it wouldn't be the first time).
It doesn't matter, though. Nothing matters, and Archer meets the onslaught of his own blades with the rage he doesn't dare show the world at large. Blade after blade shatters as he blocks and parries at a speed far beyond an ordinary human. It doesn't matter when his own swords slice into him, it doesn't matter when bloods streaks his arms, legs, and torso. He fights on like a man possessed, like a man gone mad, and as an explosion rocks the earth, he lets out a blood-curling howl.
He hates himself, he's angry, and this is the only way he knows how to let it out. ]
no subject
She isn't sure what she's seeing, other than it may not be wise for her to approach yet. It's not enough to assure her to put the knife back and she's fully prepared for other options if it escalates. Where she doubted her words before, as Alice watches for a few moments, yes, she can fully come to the conclusion that this is nonsense. ]
Did you hear me?
[ Logic would dictate this is alarming and frightening to watch someone hurt themselves in such a way. But Alice has seen many terrible things and someone willing to allow swords slice into them to feel is sadly not one of them. It's still preventing her from returning the castle, she's sure. He has to know what all of this is about. And god help ALASTAIR if they sent her on a mission with him of all people. Never one to raise her voice, Alice finally does, taking a few steps forward, almost daring to see if he'd do anything about it. ]
Can you spare a few minutes from your tantrum and listen to me?!
no subject
He's about reached his limit anyway, but the shock of hearing someone else's voice immediately throws him off. Archer jerks around to face her (he looks more like a wild animal than a man in his current state), only to get knocked over on his side by a longsword he didn't quite manage to block.
The assault abruptly stops, and even though he's a sore, bleeding mess with a blade protruding from his side, he still manages to hiss, drag himself on his knees, and look not only incredulous, but angry. ]
Idiot.
[ He could have maimed or killed her by accident! ]
The hell are you doing here?
no subject
She looks at him, directly into his eyes and to the protruding blade in his side. Even as he's a bleeding mess and crawling on his knees, Alice is far too calm about the sight before her. She's sure he'll pull through, though to say there isn't any concern in her would be a lie. Why would anyone do such a thing to themselves, she wasn't sure.
No, she knew, she had found herself in plenty of positions where she found herself willfully hurting herself or not caring about her well being. Anger, pain, and grief, these were the feelings that compelled her to act in such a way. Still, Alice acts as if she's caught him while jogging. Casual as ever, Alice crosses her arms, tapping her foot impatiently, still with the vorpal blade in her hand.
All she can do is lay a pair of critical green eyes on him, nearly sneering at him. ]
You're implying I wanted to be here? [ She scoffs. ] Actually, I was hoping you could tell me. I know ALASTAIR likes to thrust us into new worlds, but they at least like to give warning and I haven't gone that mad today.
[ He could bleed out pretty well if that sword remains in his side, and yet, she will stand and wait to see if he does anything about that. ]
So, what is all this? Were you hoping to die from blood loss? That's not a very graceful way to go.
no subject
Sitting back painfully on his heels, Archer settles for a moment and breathes. Yes, he can dismiss the blade at any time, yes, it hurts like hell, but right now, the reality of pain is...stabilizing. There really isn't anything else he could think to do with himself over this mess besides a sort of purge so...here he is. Bleeding and apparently dealing with an unexpected witness.
He exhales harshly. ]
No.
[ Though he certainly has tried to destroy his own existence, that wasn't really the point of this exercise. ]
This is mine. Magic.
[ With a grimace, he waves a hand, dismissing the desolate landscape. A harsh wasteland gives way to the more familiar land of Oska, melting away as though it never was. The blade sticking out of his side vanishes too, though the wounds remain.
After a moment, he drags himself to his feet and turns away. ]
Go back to the castle.
no subject
I'm not done here.
[ In Rutledge, she had seen many horrors and some of those horrors were not limited to fellow patients hurting themselves. Anyone who did had a reasoning for it, either to feel something once more or to bury a feeling. Or, perhaps, just to bring themselves back to reality, ironically. Alice shifts her weight, sliding the vorpal blade back into the ties of her dress and rests her hands on her hips.
As annoyed as she is, she's a compassionate person, she does care, and she, in a way, may understand. It's not curiosity that gets the better of her, it's genuine concern. The little conversations she's had with him have been less than pleasurable or friendly, but- ]
Not before I know what all of this was about.
no subject
Archer expects her to leave, but no, of course she would be stubborn and want to pry. He lets out an exasperated sigh and winces, slightly. He can heal himself at any time; he just isn't ready to. ]
It doesn't matter.
[ It's finished. It's over. He's expelled the worst of the poison, and now he just wants to be left alone. ]
Forget what you saw.
[ He doesn't care to discuss it. ]
no subject
[ She could walk past him and maybe she should. She didn't feel comfortable expressing the concern she felt into words -- or at least, not in kind words, anyway. ]
Sit.
[ It is, indeed, a command, as Alice gestures to a ledge. He's in pain and he wants to walk? What a terrible idea. The best he can do is just wait it out, she assumes. In the meantime, she holds her ground and keeps her body posture firm.
She is not leaving. Not yet. ]
I'm sure in time I will forget, or perhaps the minor details of it. But I've seen many things in my life to know that no one foolishly puts themselves in harm's way for fun. So-
[ She looks at him again, gauging his body posture, his wound. She's sure now if she's even more firm with him, he won't be likely to hurt her.
Or, if he does, Alice will make sure he regrets it. Her compassion overrules her need to go back in and fix herself dinner. ]
Answer my question.
no subject
Annoyance and stubbornness flare as she makes demands of him, but it pales in comparison to how tired he is, a weariness with life and how hard it is just to live.
He does 'sit' finally -- oozing blood and wincing as he does so -- except, it's not where she told him to. Even half-dead, Archer is stubborn to a fault. ]
I answered you.
[ And he repeats those words, again- ]
It doesn't matter.
no subject
[ Cruel to be kind is Alice's approach, who ends up breaking her aversion to touch to forcefully push him down to get him to rest. With that, Alice finds herself looming over him. She drops her sarcastic tone and finds herself harsher than before. ]
No one in their right mind willfully looks to be impaled by swords.
[ No one sane, but is anyone in this group truly sane? ]
You're in no position to run away. So, then, do you care to explain what all of that was? Will it happen again?
no subject
To her comments, he lets out a soft 'tch'. ]
It's not your business.
[ Whether he's in his right mind or not (and it is debatable), there's a reason he chose to come out here where he thought he would be alone. ]
If it does, you won't be there to see it.
[ And neither will anyone else. It's embarrassing enough as it is. ]
no subject
[ There's something about that she doesn't really believe, possibly because she found herself in some bizarre Otherland and just witnessed a man get stabbed one too many times. She holds her ground firmly, crossing her arms as she looks down at him, chin raised. ]
Unfortunately, Mr. Archer, you just made it my business and unfortunate for you, I am not a cruel woman to ignore a man bleeding out in such a way. If I have to babysit you all night here, do not think I won't. Even Gilgamesh is slightly more compliant than you. Do you like to hear that?
no subject
Gritting his teeth, Archer doesn't respond at first. Part of him just wants to heal himself, disappear, and be done with it. The other, weightier part, isn't ready to stop the pain lancing through his body. He needs it, if only for a short while longer.
The mention of Gilgamesh's name, however, stirs his anger anew, and he very nearly spits out of sheer aggravation. Not a subject he wants to breach. ]
I'll heal whether you sit here with me or not.
[ Still stubborn. She shouldn't be surprised. ]
Go back.
cw: light self-harm mention here
[ It's obvious that struck a nerve and while it's not in her nature to pry, she does, at least want to know what caused all of this. What was is intent with what he did? She hated to be poked and prodded and here she was doing it to someone else, in a different way. But Alice wasn't that cruel, she wouldn't ask him painful questions or offer up hollow advice.
Instead, with her knife back into her hand, Alice goes far to settle right across from him, letting her dress pool around her, while holding out the vorpal blade in her hands, fingers running over the edge.
She wouldn't dare use it on him, she only holds it out for show. ]
This blade will cut through almost anything and it will always remain sharp. I've never desired the urge to use it against myself- perhaps, some time ago, when I was younger.
[ She shrugs it off, much like anything. ]
But there have been times here I've been so angry that I've felt helpless that I've taken my fists to walls. [ A few too many times, when she couldn't stand the fact she couldn't do anything to change what happened, especially to Gintoki. ] But whatever you say to me now will not convince me that nothing has happened and everything is right. I'm sure that you would like to take your fists to a wall, too, right now. As I said -- no one in their right mind willfully harms themselves without reason. I've seen many things, Mr. Archer, even people hurting themselves when something became too unbearable. You, I'm afraid, are like them.
[ The patients in the asylum, that is. ]
no subject
But there have been times here I've been so angry that I've felt helpless that I've taken my fists to walls.
It encompasses what he feels, the words he can't and never has given voice to -- those times, after each and every slaughter, when he couldn't contain his despair anymore and screamed his rage and helplessness across a desolate landscape where no one would ever hear. Trapped in a damnable cycle of destruction, he lost all hope a long time ago, and every time a bright spot would come along, it was violently snuffed out.
He listens this time. He actually hears her, what she's trying to say, and it cuts off any protests or denials before he can even think of them.
He doesn't say anything for a long moment, and his posture turns more defensive as he curls in on himself.
Finally, he does offer an answer. ]
I never said I wasn't.
[ There's always been something wrong with him, and he's known that for a long time. ]
no subject
[ She knows that this is the fourth time she's asked him this. She knows that she's gotten a slight omission from him, at the cost of one, herself. She makes no point to hide that she, herself, isn't stable, not here. Gentle, but firm, as if she's about to scold him- well, she is.
And it makes her a hypocrite to scold him like this. She is no different, she takes anger out in the most unhealthiest of ways and cannot process most of the feelings that pass through her mind. But it's the similarities that she sees in him that push her to steer him away from it, or at least try. Alice believes she is beyond repair and tries to fix others. ]
Pain will not fix anything, it will only offer a momentary solution.
[ Whatever the problem would be, nothing would change it, it would still be there. Alice sighs, and slides the knife back in the ties of her dress. While he gets defensive, she crosses her arms again, almost wagging a finger at him. The more dismissive and avoidant he was, the more tempted Alice found herself on slapping him, literally. ]
I do wonder how I found myself giving advice lately. [ First Saber and now him. What was the world coming to. ] I suppose I can urge you from experience that hiding behind false realities and driving weapons at one's self isn't the best solution.
[ Really. Who better to know this than Alice Pleasance Liddell? ]
no subject
Hence the "tantrum", as she so delicately referred to it. He's been burned too many times, betrayed too many times, and even though he never wanted fame or adulation from those he saved, it only makes his own, already-terrible self-image worse when he finally does trust and gets nothing but misery in return.
What are you doing? she asks, and really, he doesn't even know. All he knows is he hurt so much and hated so much that he needed to let it out safely before he caused real collateral damage. He doesn't trust himself around others when rage and self-loathing take over, when his fury manifests as something more elemental than human.
He's quiet -- very, very quiet -- and for a moment, it doesn't seem like he's going to answer at all. He hates talking about himself, if that isn't obvious already. ]
There is no permanent solution.
[ The words are quiet, but there's bite in his tone. There is no cure for what and who he is -- the end of the Fourth Holy Grail War destroyed him, and he never truly recovered. His ideal might not have been wrong, but his execution was foolish in the extreme. There's no amount of cajoling or counseling that will bring his systemically flawed and broken psyche back together, especially after so many years. ]
That reality is the only thing I have.
[ His life, his world, his curse. These hands will never hold anything. ]
I would sooner rip myself to shreds than turn on someone else.
[ As a mad dog could and would if let off its leash. ]
no subject
Here Alice found herself staring at him. She had been betrayed and used far too many times to count, but the last treachery was simply unforgivable. She supposed that this made him different than Bumby, because he was actually showing concern over it, the worst case scenario, maybe. She wasn't sure what happened or how she ended up finding herself in this counselling role. She wouldn't tell him she trusted no one (save Gintoki) out of fear of betrayal. In a way, he confirms her fears and her desire to push away, but-
Everything that has happened to her in ALASTAIR keeps her here and her compassion for others compels her stay put. That empathy is hidden very well, behind a blank face and hollow green eyes.
Just what sort of thing is that to say?
Whatever the case may be, he was agonizing over it, but Alice still found herself scoffing, nearly rolling her eyes. If he was so concerned, she felt that it was preventable. Unlike Bumby, clearly he didn't want to. Without warning or hesitation on her part, she takes a hand and strikes him against his head, like a scolding parent would. ]
Then don't, simple as that. If you have any sense of morality- [ The tone of her voice is that of "you better have" ] then prevent it. It does no god lamenting over it.
no subject
There is no quick fix, there is no pep talk that will cure him. He is the way he is for a reason, and this sort damage can't be undone overnight.
She smacks him over the head, and he doesn't even react -- or at least not much. A soft 'tch' escapes him, but that's about it. ]
Morality has no bearing on the irrational.
[ The rage and self-loathing was too much negativity for him to contain. A safe outlet was the only rational decision he could made. ]
A Servant can't beat his fists against a wall and not expect it to break apart.
no subject
[ She says it smoothly, settling back down, crossing her arms. It's a wordless reminder she has no intent to leave, not quite yet, not until he sees the error in his "tantrum", as she so put it. It's a funny sight, she's sure, a very petite girl like her, smacking a very tall, muscular man like him. But that was the question, wasn't it? Why would he do it, if it wasn't going to break the wall? ]
Do you think so little of your actions and will that you'll find yourself turning on someone?
no subject
He grits his teeth and all but grinds out out his answer. ]
I've done it before.
[ He remembers the look on Rin's face when he betrayed her, the way Saber tried to dissuade him from killing Shirou even as he gave his best effort to cut her down. He remembers his battle with Shirou, also, and he can hear his own voice screaming, Go to hell! as he tried to tear him apart.
He's hurt many people in his time, deliberately and not. He's had reasons for it, and while he may not regret certain actions taken, his disgust over what he's become is very real. It's a cycle that doesn't end, and he's his own worst enemy in a lot of ways.
He isn't blind to his faults and failings, and he is self-aware enough to know when he's not safe for others to be around. ]
no subject
[ To Alice, this was the most important question she could ask someone; she doesn't need to knwo why, there's different reasons. She still remembers Bumby's words to her, the words that eventually drove her to killing him. He felt as if he was doing a good deed to all of London, how he was treating his patients like a product. That, to her, didn't show any remorse.
But now Alice looks at him, waiting for the answer. ]
If you fear that you'll do it again, do you regret what you've done?
no subject
His own words, in another time and another place. He has no pride to speak of, as a Hero or as a man, and while he's never had a particularly healthy self-image, it's only gotten worse with the passage of time. Certain things he's done, of course, were done out of necessity or to accomplish a particular goal, so that even if he wasn't ultimately happy with himself, logically, he could justify it.
Still, that doesn't mean he isn't disgusted with himself as well as what he's become.
He has to think for a long moment before he can decide on an answer. ]
I have an overabundance of regrets.
[ Too many to list, in fact. ]
That doesn't mean I couldn't or wouldn't do terrible things.
no subject
[ She won't lecture him about the men she's had the misfortune of dealing with who hurt her and others, who didn't show any regret. To her, if anyone showed any remorse, then clearly, they could have a say in their own actions. The much shorter and slender Alice finally rises, sighing to herself. She could relate, she understood.
But Alice was clearly missing something else -- maybe he wasn't really that in control of his actions. Who knows? Suffice to say at that point, Alice found her sympathy had its limits. ]
You have control, Mr. Archer, remember that, lest I find you back here, again. You have the power to prevent them from happening. Though, if I may-
[ She isn't sure what that was, now that it's not a hallucination. It's actually really reassuring to her. ]
From another individual to another who has a habit of retreating to their own little world? Do not run from your mistakes, find a solution to them. Reclaim what is yours and make sure in whatever power that you have that you don't repeat the same mistakes. You'll be gone for good and what good will that do to anyone that you care for? It does no good to dwell on it, change it.
[ Maybe? Hopefully? That would inspire something. Alice still wasn't going to touch upon the similarities of this situation with hers in Wonderland. She would continue on, however, determined to be the change that she spoke of. As much as she regretted her own lack of action and harbored great guilt, this was another reminder that she couldn't stop doing whatever she could to make things right. ]
I've held off my supper long enough. Try not to bleed to death, will you?
[ So kind. ]
no subject
There are plenty of missing pieces he could fill in for her, but this isn't the time or the place - if there ever would be. It's easy to say such things, but it's much harder to apply them. He's been stuck in the same rut for a long time, and that doesn't simply go away overnight, even with some very well-meaning advice.
In the end, he doesn't really comment on what she has to say. He feels more stable than he did before, and that's really all he can ask for. ]
I'll live.
[ That's it. Alice can go about her business now, and he'll patch himself up when he feels so inclined. ]