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epidemiology2016-09-18 08:55 am
OPEN.
DATE: After the bug infestation
WARNINGS: Snippy, fussy Loki; possible cw for suicide mentions. Please tread careful.
SUMMARY: Fallout
a world torn loose went by me
[ the queasy feeling hasn't left him, the one where remembers looking through eyes that weren't his. it was as if someone had wedged something else into his head, leaving it abandoned and unwanted in the coils of his brain. it was close enough that he could see it, but far enough that he couldn't touch it. at the time of that incarnation, he had been a weapon made of wings and desperation, instilled with ambitions of the self with only half a thought to the consequence. he had once been the victim of himself, and it stirred a deep rooted fear in him only made more vivid by guilt. that child that he had never been had died by his hand.
there is only one that Loki would sacrifice himself for.
for gods, time was an odd thing. there were assumptions made by mortals that centuries were like blinks of an eye, and that the nebulous term forever meant that trivialities meant less; they didn't. time was a constant, but its effects were not. in the gap where myth met reality, it was almost completely lost, writing and rewriting itself based on the events of the now, tainted with memories of the past. some ways of going back in time were more direct, as Hela had done, more than once, when desperation had called. the quill was always mightier than the sword when lifted to kill, and far less bloodier. nothing was left behind then, and murdering the self to wedge a new one into the hollow place where he had been had not been anything short of existentially traumatic. yet when all stories ended, the timeline remembered. he doesn't know whether to be hopeful or horrified that his crimes had come back to life, and he settled somewhere in between.
Loki was normally mercurial, and finding him could be difficult. while he normally haunted the same spots, the when depending on his whims. when the temporal insects scattered, finding him became close to impossible. there were visits to places, evidence that he had just been missed (a book missing, something in the room moved, an empty coffee cup) for anyone who knew how to look. for anyone seeking him, it was most likely frustrating.
despite that, Loki can't account for everything. avoiding people is difficult when there was no where to run. he can be caught in a deeper hallway, closer to the bowels of Oska, or grabbing something from the kitchen. though he may try to quickly duck around a corner like he was never seen.
he had a lot to think about. ]
no subject
[ Her hands fold his into her own, fine-boned fingers atop his longer ones. Somehow, though she doesn't raise her voice, the words seem to carry all the same. ]
When first I met you, you advised me that change derives from great destruction. What is chaos, if not change? [ Her gaze never leaves his face. ] You are a god who steals. Steal from those who would use their power to crush innocents beneath the weight of their greed. You are a god who lies. Whisper sweet promises to the cruel and the scheming, and bring them down before they do harm to honest men and women. You are a god who tricks. Astonish those who give you chase with illusions with one hand, and pluck their hostages from their cells with another.
[ She releases his hands then, but one of her own moves to settle over his cheek. ]
Yesterday you were Loki. Tomorrow you will be Loki still. There is no need to begin anew, only to adapt.
[ The parts of himself that he likes were never beyond his reach. ]
no subject
there was thin distance between Odin's obligation and what he had perceived as family; void of warmth, Loki had cared for himself. he wonders if it was as extreme as he remembers it, or if the fog that shrouded his memories had twisted it into some grotesque variant of the truth. family did not come easily, even after all this time, but he had a better handle on what it wasn't.
helping Thor with discovering their sister had come like second nature. he had never thought about using that selfishly, it had just come to him: figure out the problem, save Thor, and find Aldrif. there was no Loki in the equation. ]
I am what I am, that I can't run from. I don't want to run from it. At that time, I thought I could cast everything away and become something new, something different. Instead that Loki that was thought that he could defy death, but it didn't come without a price.
Am I a copy, a weapon, remnants of a former life? I don't know, I'm just Loki. I suppose I have to deal with whatever that means.
[ he rolls his head over his shoulder to look at her. ]
And I do have quite a lot to make up to you, don't I?
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The hand falls away from his face. ]
I waited for you to return, [ she confesses, feeling silly. I've missed you. She has missed the easy way he intrudes upon her world and sets her propriety alight, has missed his japes (less so the poor ones), has missed the warmth in his arms. He is a nuisance to many, a menace to some, but to her, he has only ever been Loki. Loki, who is not afraid of her. Loki, who cares for her. ] I knew that I must. If I had summoned you too soon, you would not have come.
[ Another aspect that is both refreshing and infuriating. If anyone is beyond the reach of a queen, perhaps it is a god. ]
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[ if someone told him what to do, there was usually a rush of defiance that demanded he do the opposite. even his parents couldn't force him to stand before them if he didn't want to, much like most of their children. it was good and bad. Loki never really was one for complying. ]
Listen ... I know I'm kind of bad at this, but what we have ... ah, it's important to me.
[ it's hard for him to say, and to admit, his insides scream of vulnerabilities, even when he tries to quiet them. ]
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Too late, she realizes that her breathing has slowed, a faint buzz arresting her senses. She has suspected, so why does that affect her so much? ]
As it is to me. [ Her fingers curl in her lap, absent a touch. She wants to take his face into her hands. ] As you are to me. [ More than you can know. ] Never forget that.
[ She had thought she must be embittered by war and betrayal, a queen who trusts no one. There had been a precipice there, some break she had toed, in the weeks before she had found herself here. He has allowed her none of it. She is frustrated to have been pulled away.
And grateful. She cannot tell him how much. ]
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I don't think you'd allow it, even if I tried.
[ but he doesn't want to. there's a restless warmth inside of him that he can't shake. ]
You're not the only one I owe an apology to.
[ he says, after a moment. ]
no subject
Women do not forget, [ she tells him, her tone enigmatic. It is not a promise, nor any kind of implication; only a memory. ] Women do not forgive. My counselor bade me remember that. [ Her eyes are keen, hinting. ] Gods, though ... perhaps they are not as fearsome as all that.
[ There are times that she even misses Skahaz' ugly face, but not now. Dany slides off the table to stand, moving to close the distance between them. ]
Find him, [ she bids him, rising on tiptoe to press her lips tenderly to his jawline in a single kiss--all that she can reach. ] Leave me.
[ She wisely refrains from embracing him, but not for lack of wanting to do it. ]
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together, is what he fears. hurt is something he knows, and even when it stings he can bask in the familiarity. the rest his all new. ]
Later. [ it comes at a promise as he leans down with welcomed surrender. it's more than he gave her before, and he owes it to her now. ] I'll make the rest up to you.
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Instead, she sighs and touches his cheek, resigned to an affection she knows full well that she should not have. I should not have chosen gods, she thinks, but her eyes are kind. ] I know you will.
[ In the end, she lingers in the kitchen she unjustly claimed for some time after he leaves, feeling both contemplative and strangely alone. At least there are small comforts to be found in how ripe and juicy the peaches are here. ]