epidemiology | & this child i would destroy [semi-open]

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& this child i would destroy [semi-open]

CHARACTERS: Sieglinde & maybe you
DATE: post-Koltira'ing, 10/11 onward
WARNINGS: angst and mentally unhinged children?
SUMMARY: semi-open log for visitors, etc., when Sieglinde shuts herself in her room to work post run-in with everyone's fav elf

[It had been a while, since she'd been reminded so viscerally of how helpless she was. How weak.

Sieglinde had returned from her encounter with Koltira unharmed, though her familiar had not been so lucky. Isengrim slept the sleep of the drugged, the pits of his eyesockets dark, one leg splinted and bandaged tight. But Sieglinde hasn't slept since then, not really- she hasn't left her desk.

If she could isolate what it was that triggered the frenzy... if she could determine what it was about coffee that made it palatable to ghouls... if she could find a spell that would return a huntsman's heart...

Her own project lay neglected, a cure for the Ultimate Magic... it could wait. She'd let the others wait too long, and look what had happened... Along the way, sleep began to wait. Then food. Then bathing. Days slipped by, she was sure, but she didn't leave the room.

She had everything she needed there.]

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[It might be wise of Haise to consider that vial of Sieglinde's questionable, because the second she pops the cork it emits an odor somewhat reminiscent of bitter wet coffee grounds left to rot. ... Not pleasant in the slightest.

His question brings a slight stutter to her movements, an awkward glitch before she carries on, selecting a roll from the second tray he'd brought and using a knife to cut a piece off and begin to coat it with the... Paste. The skull-faced dog only shifted, and perhaps would have wrinkled his nose if he'd... Had one.]

... Koltira happened.

[There was little point in hiding it. She'd heard about the breadth of damage the undead elf had managed to wreak before his frenzy abated- and she didn't say it in malice, not blaming him for something he had hardly desired to do. It was simply an answer, quiet and reserved as her voice was. The memories it dragged up in her had less to do with placing blame on the death knight and far more to do with her own weakness.]

Isengrim's body resists magical healing, but his physical recovery is going unnaturally quickly despite.

[That paste is most certainly pungent. Haise does recognize the scent of coffee, but the odor of something spoiled isn't unfamiliar to him, something of an assault on his keen sense of smell. Still, he tries not to let his wariness show in his expression.

He's aided by the subject at hand, eyeing the roll she's holding only briefly before his attention flicks to her expression. That brief pause in her movements says much, as does the brevity of her reply, at least in his perception]

It's good that he's recovering steadily... [Although a shame that Isengrim can't benefit from healing spells] But what happened with Koltira?

[Haise has only seen the name over ALASTAIR's magitech, but he doesn't have a face or identity to place to it. By all appearances, Sieglinde is physically unharmed, but healing spells would work on her. Rather than try to imagine what may have transpired, he just asks]

Koltira is affected by an... unfortunate condition. He cannot control his rages on occasion.

[It's a light, vague way to discuss such a serious thing as the death knight's blood frenzy, but it wasn't because she didn't trust Haise- simply that it wasn't her information neccesarily to share beyond that. Just like she didn't share Haise's condition, or Graham's.

But she doesn't address her own condition, the fear that had nearly consumed her, the closest she'd ever truly felt to death.

She doesn't want to.]

I suspect Isengrim will be fine in a few days- he is a loyal friend.

So is that to say you crossed paths with him, in that state?

[Haise won't inquire further about Koltira's condition, knowing what it's like to not be entirely in control of oneself. For some time, the fear of losing his grip had nearly overwhelmed him, and fed into his own instability. Over time he'd gained confidence and with that, he thinks himself less likely to lose himself to his biology and instincts...

But in some respect, that fear is always there. He doubts there will ever come a time when it won't be present, a nagging worry that he might lose himself and need to be stopped. It was the same reason he'd told Laedo what he was, and made such a burdensome request of him.

Perhaps Koltira was not unlike him, but he could only guess at that, not knowing the man]

Ghouls can be reduced to raw instinct, should they starve.

[He thinks to say this much, if only to indicate that on some level, he understands cases in which one truly has no control]

[Of course it did. She had, and it still haunted her how helpless she'd felt, how weak she'd felt against someone who couldn't be hurt by the level of magic she was capable of, when she was practically incapable of a single thing physical to defend herself.

Part of the reason she had an impressive set of dark circles under her eyes. Closing them meant sleeping, and sleeping meant waking in a cold sweat thinking she'd felt Koltira's hand close around her throat.

So she just ignores it.]

Then let us make sure it does not happen.

[She holds out the... probably not appetizing smelling paste-roll instead.]

Could you try this for me? The paste contains elements of coffee, so I would like to see if we can trick your stomach.

[Was that a good way to phrase it for a layman?]

[He takes her silence for the answer that it is, paired with her countenance. Though young, Haise knows that Sieglinde has her pride, and he should tread carefully lest he bruise it further. Whatever transpired, it was bad enough that she was tight-lipped about it. Bad enough that she wasn't sleeping again.

He'll return to the matter, he decides, accepting the roll carefully. From scent alone Haise is mentally preparing for the worst. It smells rancid to his senses]

I have...provisions in place.

[A soft statement of fact before he takes what he considers a large bite of the roll. His immediate response is to cringe, nose scrunching against the assault on his palate, but this is far from the first experience he's had in this department by now. He dutifully chews the food and wrestles with his inclination to gag, swallowing that bite of "food".

It's not lost on him how ridiculous it is that he has so much difficulty with such a very small, mundane task... And the pain is almost immediate after he feels that food slither down to his stomach. Or so it feels to him.

Perhaps wisely, Haise has refrained from eating before stopping by, so as not to waste his ALASTAIR-issued rations]

[Provisions. Sieglinde could assume what that meant. Someone in place strong enough to halt a rampaging ghoul. She'd seen what his kagune could do.

But she doesn't pry into who exactly that might be, instead, reaching under her desk to pull out her wastebasket and gently place it beside Haise. Just in case.]

Could you give me your arm?

[She reaches out with her small hands, offering her lap as a place to put said arm, watching his expressions quietly to try and monitor his physical reactions.]

[Haise nods, a cautiously stiff motion to avoid the necessity of that basket. His body would reject this food all too eagerly, and by now he's very aware of the fact from experience]

Right...

[He settles his arm across her knees, another deliberately slow motion. Sweat beads on his skin, already looking paler than he normally would, but he endeavors to sit up straight even if he'd find himself inclined to curl up on the floor.

It wouldn't be the first time]

[Once he proffers up his arm, Sieglinde carefully seeks out what she's looking for, small fingers following the lines of tendons running from his thumb down through his forearm, finding the spot she wants and digging in with a sharp pressure. Acupuncture spot for nausea. Not a sure fire thing by any means, but it might help a bit.]

Perhaps talk about something.

[Her own mind was so stuffed full of theories and the observations she was making that she couldn't come up with an example of one to start him off.]

Ah...that might be a challenge. [He pauses, rather sure it is, at this stage. Still, he recognizes what she's aiming to do, and even the effort makes him feel a little better] I'm concerned about you, but I don't think you want to hear about that.

[Aside from the state of his stomach and the taste he can't get out of his mouth, such thoughts are on the forefront of his mind]

You know you can talk to me, right? I'm no match for you in the science department, but... [He takes pause to hiccup behind his hand. Ugh] If want to help you too.

[Talking.

Who had there been to talk to, in her village? The crone (her mother- she had to mentally remind herself, that woman had turned out to be her mother) had known the most about magic among the village women, but Wolfram... Hilde, Greta, Anne, (dead, all dead now, trying to kill her)... Talking to them about her work was akin to speaking to a brick wall.

For a moment it doesn't even occur to her that he means talk about feelings, about her nightmares, and fears, and everything else.]

A sounding board is always helpful.

[Said kindly, watching his face carefully, using her acupuncture point as a way to also monitor his pulse.]

Perhaps a mild paralytic could keep you from being able to regurgitate but not actually prevent digestion... It would have to be localized in the throat... You would still feel the nausea but... Perhaps that is our worst case solution...

[She'd rather find a way to eliminate the reaction that caused the nausea... And it seemed this attempt wasn't doing it.

This was "talking", no?]

Edited 2016-11-01 04:15 (UTC)

[It isn't quite the subject that Haise would have intended. He wonders if it's intentional deflection, or if he'd simply been unclear as to what he'd meant. Considering the nature of the matter, either could prove to be the case, and while Haise doesn't wish to be intrusive, he finds that he is no less concerned for Sieglinde than he was before she'd responded.

Perhaps it would be best to ensure that they're on the same page]

While I wouldn't mind being a sounding board...

[He begins, pausing as he debates how he ought to express this thought without making her uncomfortable. That may not be possible however, and some part of him acknowledges this much]

I mean to inquire not as a matter of business, but as a friend.

[Maybe that much will make his point clear, although it might be presumptuous on his part to assume friendship. It's the best way he can think of to state simply that he's concerned for what's troubling her rather than the state of her work, kind as she is for doing this for him]

[It was a rather lovely combination actually, between conscious deflection from a topic she didn't wish to discuss and a still occasionally troublesome ignorance of social cues and mores, raised in the... Particular way that she had been. With no one her own age, with little freedom mentally to focus on anything but duty and her ancestor's pact, with research and focusing and do not allow anything to distract you from your true purpose.

She'd allowed herself to be distracted. Let herself think she'd had more time with Koltira's project, and look what happened.

What could happen to Haise? To Graham?]

There is little to speak about- I have mostly been working.

[She could say it like that. She hadn't anything "fun" or "interesting" to say, talk between friends, because there wasn't much she'd done recently, not moving from her desk unless she had to.

It wasn't exactly a lie.]

Perhaps once these tasks are accomplished I shall have something exciting to report.

[Something that wasn't how guilt twisted in her gut every time she looked at her familiar. How she despised her own weakness. How if she was still going to be this helpless she never should have unbound her feet at all.]

[Perhaps subtle isn't the way to go about this, Haise supposes. Although he didn't want to press the matter where Sieglinde seems reluctant to bring it up herself, his concern remains. Even the nearly overwhelming, swimming sensation of nausea isn't enough to make him forget.

But then, seeing her in her present state is a sufficient reminder]

What I mean to say is... I get the impression something is troubling you.

[While he can make a few educated guesses as to the nature of that, it seems better that he ask her. Whether she'll say anything to him, Haise doubts he can anticipate, but Sieglinde is helping him with one of his own troubles right now. She has been, in fact, for some time.

Surely there isn't anything wrong with his wishing in some small part to do the same for her]

I'd listen, if you'd be inclined to share your thoughts.

[If she had the energy for it, she might have managed a laugh. Something troubling her...]

It is nothing so complex as that- The only thing troubling me now is my inability to find a solution to these projects.

[An inability to yet isolate exactly what it was about coffee that allowed Haise to digest it. An inability to yet discover what it was that built up in Koltira's body and caused his rages. An inability to come up with a spell to restore Graham's heart.]

How are you feeling now?

[She's been running a mental timer in the back of her mind, counting to compare how long he could keep it down compared to their last experiment, but she'd need verbal input as well, groping on her desk for a sheaf of paper.]

[Haise swallowed thickly, hoping he actually could keep this stuff down. It tasted, appropriately, as though he'd eaten something rotten and he could taste bile rising up his throat, but perhaps if he kept very still he could manage. Sometimes it was as simple as that, although it wasn't always the case]

No better than... [He paused to swallow again, this time with more effort] Than usual.

[But he offered her a strained smile, far from wishing that to sound like a complaint. This was a necessary thing if he was ever going to have the chance to eat with others, even if it held no nutritional value for him. It was an experience he'd always hoped to share]

I don't think it's a lack of ability. [Another pause, during which he covered his mouth with his hand] You're attempting something no one has succeeded at.

[And that difference was important to remember]

... if you feel the urge to vomit there is no need to hold back.

[If he was feeling nauseous already, then the experiment was a failure. She'd hoped for something more ambitious than just being digestible- it would be little use to him if he had to torture himself by holding down the need to purge the entire meal.

That wasn't enjoyable at all. And it wasn't like after all the tests so far she's never seen him barf.]

I will need to check the breakdown of the food either way.

[It wasn't a glamorous job, but she'd... never claimed it was, and such comments made it much easier to gloss over Haise's insistence on trying to pursue that line of questioning.]

[It's an unfortunate reality that Haise keeps needing to be reminded of. He wishes that Sieglinde didn't have to deal with that end of this experimentation, and he feels some guilt for it, but he reminds himself that he can repay her. Maybe if he collects more samples, or assists in some way...]

...Right...

[Throwing up is a wholly unpleasant experience, but he knows it must be worse having to analyze the results. At least going through this is becoming commonplace enough, and he tugs the wastebasket closer so at least Sieglinde doesn't have to watch his body reject the food]

[She gives him a modicum of privacy, turning in her chair to cast about for gloves on her desk. The sound of retching wasn't pleasant- but she was not so disgusted by it. She had been quite the healthy child herself, but she had treated her villagers for food poisoning, stomach bugs, and other ailments for years. In fact, when she'd vomited in Nalawi after being poisoned by her own squidge had been the first time she'd done so in... since she'd had her feet bound?

She imagines nausea and pain vomiting have a different feeling to them, though.

Sieglinde doesn't bat an eye, taking the basket from him once she has her gloves on to set it on her desk and readjust a light to shine into it, moving to place a mask stuffed with sweet smelling herbs over her face while offering him a handkerchief with her other hand.]

I will try a different formula next time.

[Giving up wasn't something she did well.]

[Haise takes a few moments to compose himself. And now that the messiest part of this is behind him for today, he uncaps the bottle of water he brought along with him so he can wash the taste out of his mouth as best he might. It would've been too messy beforehand, but he expects that it won't be a problem now.

He'd learned that the hard way, if only because he'd never been expected to put on a show of eating back home. Everyone knew what he was.

That was both a relief and an unpleasant reminder, in its own ways]

Thank you for all of your efforts.

[Sieglinde hadn't ever had to go to all of this trouble, solely on his account, but she has. That's something Haise is grateful for, regardless of results]

Do not thank me just yet.

[It seemed strange to her, that she should be thanked for anything but a success. She had never been praised for effort by the crone, (your mother, a voice in her head reminded her of). Results were what deserved praise.

Efforts were something she thanked other people for. Not for her.

But she's already gone, the world narrowing to the experiment at hand, composed of the small island that was her desk and her wastebasket and examining if her paste had done anything at all to promote disgestion.

It's a bit too easy for her to forget the Outside World.

Then to forget there was someone in the room.

Then the rest.]

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