actual shounen hero (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
forcevisions) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
epidemiology2016-10-27 04:29 pm
forcevisions) wrote in epidemiology2016-10-27 04:29 pm
Entry tags:
[closed]
CHARACTERS: REY and FINN
DATE: Circa 10/18, before Boneyard Junction clears
WARNINGS: Sadness
SUMMARY: After avoiding Finn for ... a while out of guilt and self-loathing, Rey finally can't put off the shitty conversation they have to have about her dark future.
DATE: Circa 10/18, before Boneyard Junction clears
WARNINGS: Sadness
SUMMARY: After avoiding Finn for ... a while out of guilt and self-loathing, Rey finally can't put off the shitty conversation they have to have about her dark future.
She's been avoiding him.
It's hard to deny, at this point. Facing Finn feels too hard when one of the few memories she'd retained from her time as her future self revolved around his bloodied face and the hollow expression in his eyes telling her that he wasn't in there anymore. She thought it would be difficult, but by keeping busy, Rey's been able to avoid most everyone without raising too many questions, attaching herself to a friend's side only when it conveniences her to protect them and stave off the guilt she felt about that Finn she kept seeing in her nightmares. To stave off the shame she felt about who she was in her nightmares.
Reports of teenagers acting the fool by the mines reached her ears, and she set off promptly to see what she could do about it. While her command of the Force was nothing beside Anakin's, she had before used it for extrasensory perception, and she figured it would lend her some help in finding them. She huffed out a breath, staring up at the mouth of it, still smarting with the fatigue her last visit to that mine had left her with. It wasn't an easy fight, against Kylo Ren. It never would be.
She swallowed a gulp from her canteen and headed inside.
no subject
But that's what this will mean.
"You're right. It's better that they don't get involved." An implicit message hung in her voice, saying it was better too if he didn't.
no subject
So he decides to pretend that she didn't imply that at all.
"Then we better hurry up and find whoever they were looking for before they try to come back."
no subject
they're not going to talk about it.
She settles on that because it's the only concession she can make to the situation with her reluctance as strong as it is. It's not that she doesn't appreciate Finn's company, but rather that she feels that she doesn't deserve it. Teeth grinding slightly, Rey nods, and turns to trudge deeper into the mines without further comment. He would follow, she was sure, though she doubted he ought to.
no subject
He frowns as she walks past him to head further inside, feeling like he should say something, before he just turns and follows after her instead.
He's quiet for awhile, the only real sound in the tunnel the beat of their footsteps echoing off the walls, before he finally breaks the silence. "So...how have you been?" His voice sounds too loud somehow, not to mention awkward.
no subject
He must have hated Perdition's Rest, she thought, with how he hated Jakku. She should have checked on him sooner, that he was getting by alright, and with that thought came a ready flood of guilt that her own fear and doubt had divided them from one another.
It was her turn for a confessional moment. She stopped in a dark spot in the mining tunnel, her body making a half-turn toward him.
"Finn, I—" But she couldn't make the words come, despite the soft start.
no subject
She was right in that there had been a lot to do since they got here, but that didn't mean it was what he wanted to do or that he'd want to do it alone.
His eyes are drawn toward her in the darkness as his steps slow, dragged away from some spot on the rocky wall. He swallows past a knot in his throat before he speaks.
"I'm sorry I didn't remember you." He knows it wasn't his fault, even if he can't really explain what happened. He also knows that knowing her wouldn't have helped the situation, but it's the only thing he can think to say. The person she ran into was the guy he used to be not that long ago, but her...
...he had and idea he kind of knew what was bothering her, at least a little. Maybe.
"You didn't do anything wrong."
no subject
Or maybe those were the excuses that she'd use eventually to justify becoming that.
"You don't know that." The answer came out cagey, not quite defensive, but rather self-flagellating. She didn't want to be forgiven, didn't want a free pass from what she had seen herself becoming because she could too easily picture herself slipping into it. It wasn't the first time she'd felt it—it almost had her in the snow of Starkiller Base. It reached for her even now, from the shadows of the mine.
He remembered. She couldn't hide in ignorance anymore and wonder. She had to confront the fact that he knew what she would become and he was here anyway—either because he believed she was justified in what she had done, or because he believed she could fight it. She hadn't decided which would hurt worse. "If I didn't do anything wrong, then why is there this ... hole inside of me?"
no subject
His voice doesn't hold even an ounce of doubt as he says it. He remembers what happened and the person standing in front of him now, the expression on her face, it didn't even resemble the woman he encountered after those bug bites.
"That person wasn't you." He really believed that, especially after getting the opinion of others who seemed to know more about what had happened. "Look, the future isn't set in stone. I don't really understand what happened or what you think you did, but it wasn't real. It was just one possibility, and there's no way I would let something like that happen to you."
Little does he know that that was a big part of the problem.
no subject
But that was precisely the problem, and feeding into it would only make matters worse—letting herself wrap her heart in the protection of Finn's assurances would only make the loss hurt more when it came.
When he swore against letting it happen, her chin dropped and she looked away, anguished and afraid to meet his gaze; she had told only one person, to date, of what had made her the way she was. It was the only clear memory that stuck with her, in part she supposed because it was a collection of her worst crimes.
"And if you can't stop it?" She turned away, worried she couldn't hold back the distress that flushed her face and tingled behind her eyes. Her voice was thick with everything she couldn't tell him. It would be disingenuous to claim that he was the cause, though ostensibly her affection for him and his subsequent death had indubitably been the trigger. She did not need to share her burden with him.
no subject
"Then either I'll find a way to bring you back. Or you'll do it all on your own."
His voice is firm and sure. "You're strong, Rey. I came to get you and you'd already saved yourself. You save me. If you were capable of taking that path, do you really think you'd feel the way you do right now about it?"
"And I know it was scary. I know what it's like to be afraid of yourself and what you're capable of. But you don't need to deal with it all by yourself. I think we've dealt with feeling alone for long enough."