epidemiology | ( closed ) when there's nothing left to burn you have to set yourself on fire

[ by the time her legs give out on her, olivia realizes she has gone too far to even see the town in the horizon. for a brief, trifling moment she feels a spike of fear, knowing that it is not safe now, alone, and without even the comfort of her sword should she be caught by wild animals or bandits... or worse.

but that worry is but a small part of her that is easily ignored, her main focus drawn instead to the hollowness in her chest. it is cold out here, without the fires from camp thickening the air, and olivia is forced to buckle down and curl in on herself to retain what heat her adrenaline has granted her.

like a switch, her body takes note of her fetal position and proceeds to react accordingly. the tears she had miraculously been free of this whole venture suddenly breaks free, crashing through gates of resolve already made weak by the lack of energy left in her. her entire body shudders with every broken sob, muffled only by the desperate press of her hands though it doesn't do much to quiet her.

and she should be quiet, or at the very least try to be, because it's only so long before others begin to take notice... and these creatures may not be so understanding of broken hearts. ]

Edited 2016-11-23 16:23 (UTC)

[ for the first few days, she becomes something of a ghost around the camps. koltira and twisted fate had been nice enough to let her stay with them in their room those first few nights, but she could not let herself become too much of a burden on the two, and the farmer whose home they'd been staying in.

(in truth, there had been a tiny, petty, bitter part of her — the corner of her heart that has grown small and brittle and shriveled — that could no longer stand to be in their company, the two of them, happy, together. she appreciates all that they do, and all that they are, but the wound is so raw, just the sight of the the quiet glances they share has her threatening to burst into tears all over again.)

eventually, she convinces them she will be fine on her own, fine with the reverend and the others who have taken residence within the church. the chores give her something to do, and the walls help keep her away from too many curious eyes.

but while her body and mind might have things to focus on, they are mechanical at best, and some common, everyday things unfortunately slip through the cracks. ]

Shower?

[ olivia echoes the words as she stares at the other woman, who had gone out of her way to stop olivia on one of the rare occasions she actually ventures out of the church.

olivia stares at nami as if she's never quite heard the word before, but in truth it is merely just something she hasn't... really thought about in a while. ]

Edited 2016-11-23 16:35 (UTC)

[ he will find her this evening, having stolen away for a few hours from the comfort of the small but cozy room of the qorral's farmer's home that koltira and twisted fate have so graciously offered to share, crouched before a small mound of snow that her now-frozen hands have meticulously begun to pat own into three different-sized balls...

her eyes are puffy, and her cheeks are red, but by now she has thankfully lapsed from the near constant crying stage to the quietly numb stage where her body and heart have grown too tired to muster up the proper response.

so it is with dry eyes and dry cheeks that she turns to him with a startled gasp, finally realizing she is no longer alone in this quiet little corner. ]

Oh — Sigma... you startled me...

[ she turns a little away from his line of sight, hoping not to be too noticeable as she continues to work on her mounds of snow. ]

Edited 2016-11-23 17:22 (UTC)

[ hiding out isn't always an option when resources a limited. sometimes measures must be taken, and she has to venture out and get a few things in the little market the qorral have set up since the fire, because most of the time she remembers that even if she doesn't really feel like eating these days, that doesn't mean those staying in the church do.

most of the time it is mechanical, and most of the time she doesn't really have to worry about anything outside of making deals with the vendors. so she is always a little thrown when someone else approaches her, disrupting that easy routine. ]

—what?

[ she stares at fiona, recognition slowly working its way to her expression. ]

Sorry... did you say something?

Edited 2016-11-23 17:01 (UTC)

[ as the week drags on into the next, olivia is finding herself a little more able to smile. not entirely, perhaps, not sincerely, but there is a smile on her lips nonetheless. and while it may be a mere shadow of the person she used to be, it is something, it is a start, and progress is always going to be progress, no matter the amount, right?

she practices now, when she spots the robot ai approaching her from the distance. she has begun venturing out into the campsite a little more these days, though always when she is sure certain parties are not around, and in spotting rocky, she recalls the bright light of his screen, the simple yet emphatic smiley face that would often pop up. she tries to emulate that now, forcing her lips into a wide smile as she lifts a hand to wave.

what better way to try practicing being a human again than with a robot, she thinks... ]

Edited 2016-11-23 17:10 (UTC)

[ this time, she has no offerings of liquor or stories.

this time, she has only herself, lingering pathetically just outside of riza's tent when the last of the fires have begun to die down, and most others have fallen to rest like normal people would at this hour.

olivia's shadow is highlighted only by the faint embers of a campfire not too far away, and the planet's own moon shining down from high above. she has knelt beside the opening flap of the tent, but for the past five, ten minutes has not yet found the voice to call out to the other woman.

what if, she thinks, what if lancer is there, curled up with her now? a part of olivia doesn't want to disturb that, knowing the other woman deserves that sort of comfort just as much as anyone...

but there is another, smaller part of her that hopes he might be, if only so she can ruin it, as all her future nights now are.

it's this conflict that has her so silent, and even when she finally finds her voice, is it nothing more than a mere whisper. ]

...Riza?

Edited 2016-11-23 17:06 (UTC)

[ daily life in the church has been a great distraction. every morning she wakes up, does a couple of chores, showers and eats when she remembers to, give koltira and lucina a call like she promised, then go back to sleep. lather, rinse, repeat.

most days, it's easy to get up, get started, just do things.

but some days...

some days she can barely open her eyes in the morning without crying. some days she wakes up, alone, looking to the great expanse on the cot beside her and remember a time she had felt so much warmer, loved.

those days, like today, she spends almost entirely in bed, dead to the world. ]

Edited 2016-11-23 16:58 (UTC)

[ finally, there comes a time when olivia gets tired of crying. not just physically tired, but emotionally as well. tired of being so broken, so weak. tired of letting it paralyze her every morning, tired of doing nothing about it.

she is not fully aware of the time when she leaves this message, but she hopes shuyi will be around to see it nonetheless. ]

Miss Shuyi.
I was wondering if I might take you up on your offer now?

Edited 2016-11-23 16:28 (UTC)

[Rocky may not be human or an empath, but even he can see there's something different about Olivia. She looks tired and stressed and there's a vacant smile on her face that looks far too much like something he himself would wear. It raises concern but he's still happy to see her and the smile on his screen is bright. On one shoulder he's carrying a bundle of firewood which he drops unceremoniously to greet her.]

Olivia! Hi there!

[As much as he's trying to hide his worry, he can't help but pull her gently into a hug to try and soothe whatever devastation has befallen her.]

It's good to see you again.

[It doesn't take long for Haise to notice a change in the pattern of Olivia's habits, if only because he trains with her every so often. They keep something of a loose schedule, between her guidance with healing and his with judo, and soon enough he suspects that something must have happened. Olivia has far more power to heal with spells than he does, so extensive injury is an alarming though unlikely possibility...

Ultimately, the only way that he can be sure is to check up on Olivia himself, and so Haise makes inquiries and finds she's been staying at the church. Ever since the fire, the recruits have been scattered to some degree, some talking their way into businesses and homes while others set up camp outside of town.

Wasting no time, Haise heads for the chruch without delay. Once he learns which room Olivia is in, he knocks on the door, quite aware that the priest is watching him all the while lest he barge right in]

Olivia, are you there?

[The scent of saline and heather...she's there, he knows. She's there, and she's been crying]

[ Shuyi is rarely asleep, not yet used to sleeping through evenings or staying up through the whole day either, and Olivia catches her just waking from one of her naps. Text doesn't communicate urgency that well. ]

Shuyi will do.

Where should we meet, Olivia?

[ she is taken aback by the sudden hug, a greeting so unexpected from someone she had only just met twice before — but it certainly not an unwelcome one. her shock lasts only a moment, and what little foundation she'd managed to built upon which to stand begins to crumble, just like she seems to within his metal arms.

turning her face into the heat of his chest, she muffles her own words. ]

I-It's... good to see you too, Rocky.

[ these days, she is in no shortage of hugs and physical comfort... but that doesn't make them any less important. ]

[ the crying has, thankfully, petered down into little more than idle tear falls every time she remembers to blink. her body exhausted, she's barely able to turn her head towards the door where haise's voice filters from.

she does not want to see him.

she doesn't want to see him because she doesn't want him to see her, or what's become of her, this small shell of a person who he had only just begun to look up to now that she is helping him with his healing. it is a shame that doesn't burn quite as much as her heartache, but still stings nonetheless. she rolls onto her side some more, turning her back to the door, muffling her own voice. ]

I'm busy...

[ she is relieved for the speedy response, half-afraid she would have lost her nerve if it had taken any longer. ]

I can meet you wherever you'd like to.

[ ... ]

Perhaps not around the main campsite if
If that's okay...

[Riza's the only one left in the tent for once, Lancer long gone to do...whatever it is Servants do during their wealth of free time, and both Lucina and Sonia rooming with friends elsewhere for the evening. Well—alone save for Hayate, but he's always been more an extension of herself, a second shadow, rather than a separate individual.

Hayate's the one that notes Olivia's presence first, ears perking as he swivels his head to stare at the closed tent flap. Riza's own gaze follows his, and upon noticing the faint shadow cast against the tent wall, crawls out of her bedroll to lift up the flap.]

Olivia? [Looking smaller and more forlorn than Riza's seen her in some time. (Shouldn't she be with Achilles right now, warm and safe?)] Come in.

[And then, once they're both safely ensconced in the tent:]

What's the matter?

[ she remains quite small, especially now in this meager tent, trying to occupy as little of the space as possible, knowing none of it is really hers to use. she can't help but glance around, notice the spots normally saved for others, and while she is grateful that none are here now, she also hopes that hadn't been her own doing somehow. ]

Um.

[ it is warmer here within the tent, yet her voice still quivers as if she were still outside in the snow. she hasn't yet met riza's eyes, and the twisting of the fabric between her fingers is sign enough of her sudden regret of ever even speaking up in the first place. ]

I, um. I'm sorry for waking you, I just, um... I didn't want to be alone...

[Reassurance leaps quick to her tongue, voice low and soothing.]

You didn't wake me at all, I was still up. [Even if she'd meant to sleep in another quarter hour, the words still remain truth. And besides:] You're always welcome to visit at any time, Olivia. You know that.

[As if to prove her point, she reaches out both hands, fingers wrapping around Olivia's own and squeezing tight. The logical part of her mind notes how frigid Olivia's hands are, as though she'd been outside for hours instead of mere minutes. That, coupled with the late hour, raises her suspicions, and has her pulling Olivia inside towards the empty pile of blankets.]

Come on. Let's get you warmed up.

[And then they can talk.]

[ she drifts towards the promised warmth before even thinking about it, body just as eager for the close proximity to another as much as the heat itself. it is only when she is actually under some of the blankets that her senses seem to catch up to her, and she is sitting upright and rigid, glancing around with wide eyes. ]

He — Lancer won't be back soon will he? [ her hands begin to tug at the blankets already wrapped around her shoulders. ]

Lancer?

[That's a name she doesn't expect to hear and she blinks once, thoughts momentarily disrupted. Why would she be worried about Lancer...?]

He doesn't stay here. [And never had.] Do you need to speak with him?

[Unlikely, but best to cover all bases.]

[ she shrinks back suddenly, shaking her head. ]

N-No... [ but that does make her brows furrow a little, momentarily distracted by that information. ]

Why doesn't he stay with you...? Aren't you — together?

[ there is a certain tone to that word, something that makes the corner of her lips curl slightly, much like they do when she finds herself staring at koltira and twisted fate's direction too long, and the two have lapsed into a comfortable silence only those with shared feelings share. ]

[Riza takes her own place back amongst the bedcovers, close enough to Olivia that their shoulders are near-touching. She doesn't speak immediately though, lips pursed as she hums thoughtfully.

Her relationship has never taken up much space at the forefront of her mind; rather, it remains a low-level thrum at the back of her mind, a distant but steady pulse. (She might not be Lancer's master, but her relationship is no less important than Koltira's, or so she's been told.) Her hands settle into her lap, fingers loose.]

We are, but we still lead our separate lives. I have my work to finish and he has his.

[Not particularly romantic in any sense of the word - almost clinical, if one's honest - but it works for them.]

Besides [and here her voice softens, turns a little wry] I like him, but not enough to spend my entire day and night with him. [At least, not yet.]

[ olivia can't help but quiet at that, her gaze drifting to the fold of fabric above. she... cannot even imagine that sort of relationship, one that isn't all-consuming, overpowering and addictive.

perhaps that's why they're still together, and she and achilles are not — at least, another reason. perhaps they had burnt out too quickly, where riza and lancer remain a stready flame.

rather abruptly, she lifts a hand to her face, pressing down against the tears that well up there. ]

That — sounds l-lovely...

[ then again, literally anything else but this gaping feeling in her chest would. ]

[He's quiet for a brief span, debating how he ought to respond to that. But he supposes with Olivia he can be more or less candid; she already knows his circumstances are unusual. Though he hasn't said it plainly to her, he imagines that she's aware of what he is because what she'd said of Kaneki from their last stay in Oska suggests as much. Perhaps she doesn't know the word for it, he hadn't dared to ask, but...]

There's a certain scent that hangs about people when they've been crying.

[And it may not be fresh, but it's certainly there. Even more important than that though, is something else he thinks they're both rather aware of]

Besides, I've never known you to be too busy for others.

[Though under other circumstances, he might've encouraged her to be. Olivia really could stand to invest more time on herself, and more concern, but right now he suspects she's not really in a position to do either]

[It's—nice, a paltry word for the warm flicker of sentiment deep in her heart, one she's careful to tend to despite her cool outward appearance. She almost says as much, but then she hears the stumble in Olivia's words and all other matters scatter like ashes.]

Olivia?

[The query's soft, but weighted with concern; one hand reaches out to rest on her shoulder.]

What's the matter?

[ a considerably low blow, that line, and done that olivia might have been impressed with, had she not been on the receiving end of it. her expression twists a little, and to the surprise of even herself, she somehow manages to let out a few more fresh tears when she'd been so convinced she had none left to lose.

but he is not leaving, and he already knows, so what little energy she might have had to protest is already long gone by now. she draws in a deep, wavering breath and finally sits up, drags a couple of blankets with her as she forces her body to cross the distance and open the door.

most of her face covered by the shadows created by the makeshift hood she'd made thanks to those blankets drawn tight around her shoulders, though at this point she is only hiding for the sake of vanity, knowing her face to look an absolute red and puffy mess. she turns back around without a word, slowly dragging herself back to the cot where she curls back up on, a rumpled mess of dried tears and cloth. ]

( closed ) when there's nothing left to burn you have to set yourself on fire

in that instant it started to pour | koltira, lucina

it's nothing but time and a face that you lose | nami

live through this | sigma

and you won't look back | fiona

smiled and said "yes i think we've met before" | rocky

i gave what i gave | riza

there's one thing i want to say, so i'll be brave | haise

tried to reach deep but you couldn't get in | shuyi

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text; un: shuyi

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