[open] I know it's hard to tell how mixed up you feel

[sengetsu]

CHARACTERS: Kojuro Katakura + anyone who wants to come check up on him.
DATE: Jan 7th ~ 21st-ish
WARNINGS: Manpain and swearing, nothing else.
SUMMARY: To say Kojuro is taking Masamune's transfer badly would be a massive understatement.


[When Kojuro had heard the news about Masamune's transfer, he had first assumed it was a mistake of some sort. Too much time spent denying not dissimilar words from Takenaka had made it instinct, had only reinforced the certainty that Masamune was the focal point of his world.

When it became clear that it was in fact truth, that ALISTAIR had for some reason seen fit to separate them without warning, he had only barely managed to rein in the urge to scream or punch someone. As satisfying as that would have been in the short term, he knew that it would only anger the higher-ups, and hurt the relationships he had left.

That feeling hasn't left him, though - the particular combination of anger and hurt that he thought he'd outgrown a long time ago - and it makes it hard to be around other people. He doesn't trust himself not to worry them, or to say something hurtful. Easier to spend his time in the stables, or in the fields where nobody else is. To practice until he's too tired to think or worry. That he might be causing others to worry is perhaps a little lost on him at the moment.]

Comments

[p66]

[ Reika makes her rounds at the training centre without fail every day. Sometimes she comes accompanied by Julius, but today she had to come alone. Koltira was still working on her weapon, so she could only use her former captain's sword.

As she passes by the courtyard, it seems that someone had already taken up training there. It's a little strange why Kojuro wouldn't use the room but instead an open space, but that only invites her curiosity. So she stands a little by the wayside, a cavalry saber sheathed in one hand while she watches him train. ]

[sengetsu]

[Part of being able to fight effectively is being able to split one's focus - to be a full part of whatever fight you're fighting, but without losing yourself to it, losing your awareness of what's happening around you. Doubly important when you're a general and your lord's right hand and right eye. As much as Kojuro is practising to lose himself right now, he can't completely turn off the habits and instincts years of experience have carved into him. He's aware he's being watched not long after the girl stops, but he continues through to the end of the set of repetitions he's on before lowering his katana and meeting her eyes]

Hello.

[p66]

[ Ah, so she's been noticed. She definitely can't pass herself off as 'just walking by', so she has to explain herself. This man seems very serious and it would be bad to be rude to anyone. ]

Hello. You're very dedicated, sir.

[ He looks old and important (?), so there's the honourific. ]

[sengetsu]

[look, thirty-three isn't that old. Except to teenagers, anyone over eighteen is ancient. He accepts the compliment with a slight inclination of his head.]

Good to practice while I have the time. [okay, and he's running from his feelings, but he's not going to say that. He nods at the sword she's holding]

Did you come to practice as well?

[p66]

[ *older
** people generally don't survive past 30 in her world so anyone above 30 is automatically old ]

Yes, I did. [ They need to stay sharp in case the next mission needs them to fight. ] Is the Training Room occupied?

[ He's training outside of it so that's what she assumes. ]

[sengetsu]

[okay, fair. 16th century Japan doesn't have the greatest life-expectancy either.]

I don't know - I prefer being outdoors, when the weather is good enough for it.

[p66]

[ Unfortunately, the good tend to die younger. ]

I see. Do you have anyone to train with?

[ It's a sentiment she can understand. Even if the training room generates holograms, it's still a room. Though the efficiency of his motions might not be that high given how he's sparring with thin air. ]

[grunehexe]

[One of the dubious benefits of living your life in a lie, a bubble of a world created just for you, is that no one ever leaves you. Sieglinde had grown up in a village where no one ever died, and no one ever left. A lovely enough blessing... until it actually happened, and you had little idea how to deal with those feelings.

She'd had a taste of what it felt like, to lose someone close to you, when Gilgamesh had been transferred during their Zeta-12 mission, leaving her only with memories and the golden bracelet she took to wearing on her left wrist. But then didn't compare, in the end, to losing Masamune. She'd taken to wearing the tantou he had lent her during their last mission, strung on the chain belt she wore about her waist, and wondered if that's what losing people was. Being without them, and left only with mementos.

It was pointless to be standing outside his door. He couldn't be found there any longer. But she was there nonetheless, biting on her bottom lip and fingers curled into fists, gaze dark. She didn't really notice, how long she stood there, and her focus was narrow, not noticing either that someone else was coming down the hall when she finally moved to open the door, and let herself in to the now mostly empty room.

Even though he wasn't there any longer.]

[sengetsu]

[It was still harder than it should be to walk down this hall, past what used to be Masamune's room, devoid of him or any of his things - but it's too cold to recommend sleeping outside or in the stables as anything other than an act of desperation, particularly when there's a comfortable bed waiting for him inside. And besides, it shouldn't bother him this much - he's frustrated, yes, maybe a touch angry, but not distraught like an abandoned woman.

He almost doesn't notice Sieglinde, occupied as he is with his own thoughts, but the movement catches his eye, and when he realizes who it is, he feels a stab of guilt. He's been so wrapped up in his own feelings about Masamune's transfer that he's been avoiding everyone, even those here he still has responsibilities to. Best start making up for that right now.

He follows her, standing in the doorway.]

Sieglinde?

[grunehexe]

[The sting of renewed disappointment she feels when she walks into the room doesn't make any sense. She knew he was gone, already confirmed it- transferred to another team, shipped out to join them on a mission. His things were gone, he was gone... so why did she somehow feel shocked to not see him there, not hear him greet her, or smile, or-

Her vision blurs, threatening to spill hot, bitter tears she has been valiantly trying not to shed by burying herself between a mountain of her pet projects. She'd taken it for granted- that he would simply always be there by her side. He'd said he would take her with him back to his world. He'd said he wouldn't allow her to be transferred away.

But she supposed they'd neglected to make promises about the other way around. As if promises meant anything.

Kojuro's voice cuts through her thoughts, and she turns in surprise, trying to blink away her almost-tears and keep her balance, fingers fisting in her skirts.]

Ah- excuse me, I ought to have knocked...

[She'd never bothered doing it when he lived here, though.]

[sengetsu]

[He can hear the edge of tears in her voice, and he finds himself second-guessing his decision to follow her - perhaps she would have preferred to be alone right now]

Ah, sorry - I thought I should check on you...

[grunehexe]

No, it is fine-

[She's a bit too quick to assure, not just Kojuro, but herself, as well. If she said it enough, if she acted like it enough... she could eventually trick even herself.

Just like how she kept telling people she was a witch. Just like she kept telling people she'd always had magic. The more she said it the more true it became, so-]

I am fine.

[sengetsu]

[Another time and place, he might have let her get away with that lie - but right now, here in what was once Masamune's rooms, he feels the weight of responsibility, of promises made he refuses to break. And sometimes living up to that responsibility means doing the hard things and pushing rather than coddling. He learned that a long time ago with Masamune, and it's just as true now.]

Forgive my bluntness, but your tears say otherwise.

[ex_adept136]

[The fields, limited as they are in their range, aren't quite so abandoned as one might expect. At least, not today. Haise has often found the desolate remnant of the world around them isn't at all lively compared to the castle, and there are times he goes out simply for the fresh air. He prefers to be among others, always has, but everyone needs to stretch their legs now and then.

It's in these limited wanderings that he finds Kojuro immersed in his training, and it's cause for him to pause and observe. Not since the days of Arturia giving him pointers has Haise really had much opportunity to see a true swordsman at work outside the battlefield, and it's a thing to behold when someone has true skill.

But there's something in the air about the man that tells him idle observation is out of place at this juncture. Having seen the way Sieglinde had responded to a recent transfer among their ranks, and with an awareness of some Japanese history, Haise can make a guess or two.

It seems that keeping busy is the coping mechanism they're left with around here]

You seem pensive.

[He thinks to skirt the issue, referencing it just enough to leave an opening for discussion, should Kojuro want or need one]

[sengetsu]

[Kojuro finishes the set of kata he's working on when he notices Haise approach.]

Mm. I'd say 'focused', myself. [He's trying hard not to think about things right now, really.]

[ex_adept136]

I see that, too... But I know the look.

[That is, the look of someone who's distracting himself.

But he's not an otter, and Kojuro isn't an oyster. If he deigns to talk about what's on his mind, it should be on his own terms. Until then...]

Do you prefer the field over the training room?

[sengetsu]

[You may have to do a little bit of prying, Haise. Feelings are hard and Kojuro isn't good at them or at talking about them. Instead, he focuses on the other question Haise put to him.]

Mm, when the weather is good enough to be out here. It's more like what I'm used to. [Which is to say, more like home]

[ex_adept136]

[He'll be circling back to it, because the concern's not going anywhere]

It is rather nice out...although for my part, I don't train well without opponents.

[Haise is far too accustomed to training being a collective exercise, whether teaching, being taught, or sparring]

This place feels quite peaceful after recent events.

[sengetsu]

Having someone to work with would be nice [given that first Laedo left, and now Masamune has too, and that was pretty much his short list of training partners] - but I can do drills on my own, at least.

[nowhere near as intense, but it's enough to take his mind off things, which is the real point, right now]

It's nice to have a little calm for once, you're right.

[dokyuu]

[In the grand scheme of things, none of this was his business. While he'd miss the enjoyment Masamune's company could bring, there wasn't really much difference between this, and the other daimyo being at home in Oshu while he was in Shikoku.

But it wouldn't be that simple for Kojuro, and he knew it. The man was too loyal, and this was bound to sit ill with him.

But he'd kept his distance, for awhile, until it became apparent just how much distance Kojuro was keeping from everyone. And, well, in his heart, Motochika really was a meddler, didn't like to watch other men knot themselves up over their emotions. So when he finds Kojuro at practice, he stays, feeling an odd sense of déjà vue, though neither of them is children this time, and he makes sure he can be seen. Maybe Kojuro will talk with him, maybe he'll just be sent away, but it will ease his conscience to know he at least made the attempt.]

[sengetsu]

[Motochika's presence registers in Kojuro's peripheral awareness but he continues to move through his drills until it becomes clear that that the pirate is waiting for him, rather than just passing through. Kojuro doesn't really want to talk to him, but he knows the other man can be annoyingly persistent when he wants to be, and it might just be best to get this over with.

He finishes the set he's working on, and lowers his blade]

Do you want something?

[dokyuu]

Not exactly.

[He didn't need anything from Kojuro, and it wasn't as if he had a duty to make sure he was okay. He was being nosy and he knew it, wasn't going to pretend otherwise.]

But you've been doin' a real good job of making sure you're not really around, thought maybe I should see what that's all about.

[sengetsu]

[...Of course he'd noticed. As much of an idiot Chosokabe seemed most days, he really wasn't, under the surface. Which is probably why he was still in power.]

There hasn't been anything to keep me at the castle. [which... is true, now that Masamune is gone, but it's still dodging the crux of the answer.]

[dokyuu]

[He gives Kojuro a look that clearly says he's not swallowing that excuse.]

I don't exactly got much of a reason to be there, myself, but I'm still around. Look, I know you're loyal and all that, but your lord ain't dead, he's just gone. Aren't you getting a little carried away?

[A few days would have been one thing, but this was dragging on a bit, in his estimation. ]

[sengetsu]

[Kojuro's expression shifts from stony to actual anger, and his grip is white-knuckled on his sword, though he doesn't move from where he's standing]

And what the hell would you know about it? You've never been in my position.