epidemiology | [closed]

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CHARACTERS: REY and FINN
DATE: 1/25
WARNINGS: sadness? ? ?? talk of mind violations probably
SUMMARY: Finn confronts Rey about her falling out with Poe, trying to get to the truth.

[ even resigned to it as she is, there is a sadness about rey as she steps out of the inn, and she stops to look back up at the sign as she leaves. her bag is slung over her shoulder, her staff in hand. there is still a flushed fatigue written across her face, but her tears have long since dried. they're far behind her, even if her regret isn't.

not regret over what she had done, though. regret that it had turned out this way. regret that she hadn't known to expect it sooner.

she sighs and drops her head. there was nothing for it. whatever poe told finn, and whatever finn decided from that, she has no control over. all she can do was hope that eventually, they understand. when this mission is resolved peacefully, perhaps.

turning she starts off into the street, heading down towards the edge of town. something catches the edge of her awareness. a presence, one she recognizes. she lifts her head and turns and—

there. in the crowd.

finn.

her mistake lies in lingering. she knows this. it's too soon, the wounds too fresh, and this could easily make things worse. he might even be coming here specifically to ask her to leave. poe had certainly been quick about reaching for extremes. but her bag should make it clear; she has already done that.

she stops when she senses him, freezes when she sees him, but does not go for him. she … doesn't feel like she has the right, not when she has no idea what he's thinking at a time like this. ]

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[He's been jogging on and off the whole way here, which is obvious in the sweat beading on his brow as he slows to another stop. He can't sense her, not the way she can, but he's finally getting close to the inn and he knows that she might not still be inside, if she came back here at all.

Then there's movement out of the corner of his eye, his head turns, and there she is, looking like a cornered animal. His chest seizes painfully; he'd told her he was going to talk to Poe, and now here she is near the inn with her bag slung over her shoulder. He couldn't have known what that would mean to her at the time, but he can see it plainly enough right now.]

Rey! Wait up!

[He wants to talk to her, that much is clear in the expression on his face, which is more concerned and worried than anything else. If she was expecting anger, that's completely absent.

He jogs over, closing the distance between them without hesitation.]

[ some part of her feels the absurd instinct to run — an instinct designed to protect her from the hurt she knows is coming. except she doesn't know. she may fear it, but there's no certainty that finn would take poe's side in this. poe himself is nowhere to be seen or felt.

so instead she takes a few steps closer to meet him not quite halfway but enough to show that she's still eager to reach out to him. ]

I thought you were with Poe.

I was.

[He stops jogging as he closes in, just to give her enough space to not be intimidating since she seems to be stopping short herself. Given she just got into what sounded like a pretty bad fight with Poe, he's not surprised.

At least he caught her in time.]

I just...I had to talk to you. [He eyes her bag, his expression falling slightly.] Where are you going?

[ she frowns, following his gaze to the bag. she pulls it back behind her a little more, as if to put it out of view. it shouldn't be the point of this, but … there's no avoiding it, is there? she can't just slip out unnoticed. ]

I thought he would have told you. [ she struggles on how to word it. how was she supposed to do this? poe had been the one to free finn from the first order's custody — of course he was always going to be the one who came first. but having to confront head-on that she's going to lose finn to this.

there's a lump in her throat. she tries to speak around it. ] We fought. And the way we left it, I get the feeling he'll be happier if I'm not staying with the two of you anymore. Don't worry. The room's still yours.

He told me he was the one that needed to leave.

[Did everyone think he was just gonna let them go? He was the one that had run away in the past, and now they were running away from him.

Okay, maybe they were running from each other, but it felt like they were running from him as he stood in the middle of it all.]

It doesn't have to be like this. There has to be some sort of misunderstanding.

One that Poe doesn't want to work out.

[ she's sorry about it, but … there also feels like there's little to be done about it. ]

I was ready to talk it out, but he just walked away. [ let's be clear about that. it occurs to her only now to ask — ] … What did he tell you?

[That is...part of the reason he's here. Finn believes in Rey, believes that she wouldn't be okay with the things that Poe seems to think she's okay with. There has to be more to it than that, because if there isn't-

-then Rey isn't who he thought she was, and that scares him. He's seen what she could become, a long time ago, and he doesn't want to see it ever again. He doesn't want to think it could be real.]

He- [He pauses, because he doesn't even want to say it.] -he's worried about you. He said you were making excuses for Kylo Ren, that you were on his side. That you were justifying torture to get information if it would stop a war.

[It's one of those things that sounds good on paper, but it sounds like the First Order. Bringing peace by any means necessary.]

He told me he tried to make a truce when we first got here, but that the guy went in his head again. Hard.

He did.

[ she tries to frame it as a concession, but there's an unnerving certainty about it. but she's definitely at least acknowledging with some sobriety that it's a horrible thing that happened. ]

And I'm sorry that it happened. Poe wouldn't believe that, even after I told him that the same was done to me on Starkiller. [ these are all the kinds of things that precede a 'but.' ] But this isn't about taking sides. It's about the truth, and the Force.

[ the force, which she understands now better than ever. just thinking about it, touching on that knowledge, sparks a surge of something in her veins. awareness of her own power. ]

Poe doesn't understand how it works, but I do. It's more complicated than he wants to admit.

I know, I get that. We're all supposed to be on the same side while we're here. I don't want in-fighting any more than you do.

[These all sound like the precede a 'but' as well, but he doesn't know how to get there or what even he's trying to get from her.

He knows they can't really fight Kylo Ren here, that his existence in their space is inevitable. That doesn't mean they have to back him up, though.

She effectively turns the conversation to something he knows literally nothing about, which means he also doesn't know how it ties into any of this discussion, let alone with what she talked to Poe about.]

Then explain it to me. Explain it so that I know what's going on.

To manipulate the Force to read minds is not always painful. If he hurt Poe, he did it on purpose. But I was there that night, when Kylo read the minds of those women. He didn't hurt them.

[ it hurts to deliberately obfuscate her role in it. but she does not feel that she can tell finn or poe that she had a role in it. now, more than ever, she is sure they would not understand how she could.

but she needs them to understand at least that she would never let something like that to transpire, never endorse it; and for that, she needs certainty. ]

I was there. When we got split up, I found him in the crowd. I saw it. If she were in any pain, I would have felt it. [ she sighs. ] The information that he got, he didn't get through torture.

[He hasn't seen it first hand, he hasn't watched a Force user pull knowledge out of someone's mind. Finn has no idea what it would even look like, or feel like. All he knows is that Poe never wanted to feel anything like it ever again, and Finn didn't want him to have to.

But, if there was a way to do it without hurting someone, did that make it right?

Finn didn't know. But it had to be better.

Right?]

Felt it? [He doesn't understand that idea, feeling someone else's pain.] How? Is that something you can do, too?

[To his credit, he doesn't say it in a way that sounds judgemental.]

Yes.

[ she tries to treat it solemnly, but there's no denying the eager light in her eyes as she says it. she wants finn to understand that it's part of her. ideally, he would. but she also knows not to push it right now. that she's on shaky footing with him, and while poe is someone she can stand to lose, someone who never really cared for her in the first place, finn …

finn is everything. ]

I can sense people's emotions. Like now. This is confusing for you. I understand. It was confusing for me, at first, too. [ she sighs. ] Poe wouldn't give me the chance to explain it. Honestly, even if I had, I'm not sure … [ he still would have seen her as a monster. she knows that for sure, now. ]

Did he tell you that he deliberately provoked Kylo? Poe wants so badly to hate him that he tried to goad Kylo into attacking him. He considers anything to do with Kylo evil. Any use of the Force. [ rey drops her gaze. ] Because of the power that I have, he'll never be able to trust me.

I don't think Poe should have done that, but he has every reason to hate Kylo Ren. So do I. So do you.

[Finn has a Bad Feeling about this.

It's in the spark in her eyes, the way she tries to sympathize with his emotions, to assure him that she understands him. It's the way she's already written off Poe, isn't even talking about trying to explain it to him, how he's never going to be able to trust her. The way she's trying to turn some of the blame away from Kylo and onto their friend.

Or maybe it's just his friend, now.

He feels like he's swallowed a rock.]

You being able to use the Force has nothing to do with why Poe is upset, Rey. You have to see that, don't you?

He told me I was justifying torture. That what Kylo did to those women was torture. And he didn't even wait for me to explain.

[ there's some bristling going on now. another time, maybe, she'd lean on the apologetic. even if he had just beaten kylo to her, maybe. but this way … she feels emboldened. sturdier in her view that poe had been the one out of line to hurt her like that. ]

He thinks the power I have is evil, Finn. And he doesn't want anyone telling him he's wrong. I'm certainly not going to be the one to get through to him about that. [ she sighs, her shoulders slumping. right. she wants to repair this. she wants to keep from alienating finn. ] I hope I'm wrong. But if I stick around him right now, it'll only make things worse. He's already decided that I'm his enemy because I dared to suggest Kylo could do something good with the power he has. The power I share.

You admitted it yourself, Rey. What Kylo did to him is torture. He chose to do that to him, even if he didn't have to.

[That's how he's understanding this. Everything about her line of thinking is wrong and he isn't sure where to start to fix it.]

He doesn't think your power is evil, Rey. Kylo Ren is evil. He's the one using it to hurt people, to murder without a second thought, who's at the top of the First Order food chain. We're talking about the guy that killed his own dad and at the very least watched as his Mom was blown out into space. He kidnapped you and nearly killed both of us. If he didn't choose torture one time because you were around to see it, then that's great, but Poe had literally no reason to think that could have possibly been the case.

[He pinches his forehead, thumb and forefinger rubbing his temples.]

I'll talk to him, okay? I know he'll listen to me, but he doesn't think you're evil. He doesn't think your power is evil. He's worried about you.

[His hand lowers.]

And so am I. So just, don't push me away, okay? You can do a lot of good, I know that better than anyone, and I just want to help.

[ there's a defensiveness that doesn't come down all the way. if anything, every short, blunt statement he has to offer about kylo ren seems to push her walls up higher. everything he says is true, yet she can hardly hear it right now over the din of her own hope, and—

and loneliness. yes, the loneliness is the chief culprit for her blindness.

when he mentions leia, she presses her eyes shut and turns slightly away, fighting back the frustrating rush of emotion that — well, it's most frustrating because it makes it impossible for her to enjoy the pleasant hum of her skin, the superiority, the assuredness about her path. she was supposed to be doing this for leia. hearing that reiterates that really … this path she's on right now … it's only for herself.

it allows the rest to penetrate. slowly, she looks back at finn, a softness about her. a softness he hasn't seen since this conversation began. ]

I'll never push you away. Finn, you're the only person in this world that I know I can trust. [ and it was for that very reason that she'd felt so afraid of losing him. ] If you say Poe's worried, then I believe you. But … it didn't look that way to me. It looked like he hated me.

[He can't use the Force, but it would be impossible not to notice how the mood shifts, how she seems more like the girl he's used to instead of...whatever else that was. He's relieved, internally and visibly, by the way she confides that trust in him, giving her a nod, before he smiles, though it's small and sideways.]

Poe's also used to solving everything by blowing it up.

[Apparently, that also applied to friendships. Welp. Still, he says it with affection. Finn's not that much better, if any, when it comes to trying to find a solution.]

Everything I'm good at I learned from the First Order. Poe shot at me just like every other stormtrooper on Jakku before we met. If I hadn't needed him to get off the ship when I decided to defect, he probably never would have trusted me at all. He makes kneejerk decisions and can be really stubborn.

[That idea hurts more than he wants to think about, but it's still the truth.]

He just needs to calm down a little.

[ this makes sense, now that finn says it. she … honestly doesn't have high hopes. maybe poe will learn to like her company again, but he isn't going to care about her. he isn't going to be close to her. but … peace. that's something. that finn anchors it in poe's flaws instead of her own makes her more ready to embrace it.

so she sighs and she nods, some of the remaining tension leaving her.

there's something else, too. she thinks … buried in there, she can see proof that finn will understand what she needs to do. he may understand that they have cause to hate ben, but he also understands that there's a chance here for ben to choose something else — just as finn had. when the time came, when she was ready, they would understand.

she steps closer and drops her bag to throw her arms around him, burying her face against his neck. it's undeniable now how worried she was that she had already lost him too. that he's here at all, but more that he's searching for ways he can advocate for her to poe … it means everything. ]

I love you. You know that, don't you? I love you.

[He...wasn't expecting that.

Her arms are around him, he can feel her gentle breath against his neck, and his arms enfold around her in return without him even needing to think about it. His grip is strong, steady, and unafraid.

He has all the proof he needs that he was right all along. It had been one giant misunderstanding. Rey just needed someone to be there for her, to listen. This Force stuff had to be new and scary, after all.

His head leans against hers, tension releasing from his chest as his eyes close and he cherishes this embrace for as long as he'll have it.]

I love you, too.

[ it's the first time she can recall ever hearing those words. more to the point, she finds herself able to believe them, even though she's sure, even if her parents had said them once, that they hadn't been true. they would not have sold her to unkar plutt if it had been. but finn, he would stand his ground against poe for her. finn, he had come to starkiller for her. faced everything that terrified him. he had nearly died fighting kylo ren. for her.

she squeezes tighter. and then, a coldness comes over her. a memory. unbidden, creeping in, of the darkness that had greeted him in oska. the darkness in her heart, that lay dormant, waiting to take hold. waiting to lose him.

snoke would not take him from her. no one would take him from her. she would master her abilities. she would bring ben solo back from the dark. they would kill snoke together. and the resistance would succeed. she would protect finn. no matter what it took. ]

Tell Poe I'd by happy to speak with him, to work this out between the two of us. [ she disengages slowly, her and brushing softly against the side of finn's face. as it had against ben's. she lets her fingertips linger, as the memory sticks for just a second. then she blinks it away. ] What you've just said … it's everything I was trying to say to him. You're just so much better at it.

Edited 2018-01-29 03:55 (UTC)

[He's the same. They've always been so similar, taken from their families before they could really remember them. Maybe his had wanted him in a way hers hadn't but he has no way of knowing either to be true or false. And then, they learned how to survive, even if the ways were vastly different.

Life only really meant survival, until he met her.

He squeezes as she does, releases her only when she starts to pull back. Her hand brushing against his face reminds him of when Poe curled his hand around Finn's. How strange it was to go from not having anyone touch you to having two people who did it without a second thought.]

Don't worry. I'll talk to him. Everything will work out. [He believes that now. How could he think anything else.

Still, there's one other matter.] You don't have to go.

I do.

[ this time, with an apology in the way she says it. like she's reassuring a child of some unfortunate fact of the world. but she smiles. there is still hope. ]

It's just for now, Finn. [ her smile flutters as she makes the admission, ] I know how much he means to you. I won't get in the way of that.

[ once she had thought that was how she felt about finn too. and in a way, she does. it's that whole body warmth, the kind that leaves her feeling like she is safe and loved and always will be. but the way poe looks at him is different. there's a hunger for more than just his company. and when she searches herself for that feeling, as she had in the hot springs when speaking to hayame about it, it's not finn who first turns up. ]

Tell him I'm doing this for him. I'm not running. I'm giving him time.

[He knows she's right, that she has to go, at least for a little while. It's not like she's leaving the planet or the system, she's just a call or a short walk away, but it still leaves him feeling like he's failed a little.

But she's smiling, and that's enough. For now.

As far as what Poe means to him, he can't deny that, either. Even if he doesn't realize how deep it goes.

Finn looks like he wants to say something else, but finally he nods, and instead asks:]

Do you have somewhere to go?

[ she laughs. she can't help it. that finn is asking her the same question — and even then, only now — that ben had asked her only seems a natural segue from her last thoughts. she reaches for his hand and squeezes. ]

I mean to head towards Sea Clan territory soon with Keith. I'll find him.

[ and in the meantime sleep in the woods but honestly that's fine by her. she was going to do it originally anyway. ]

[His lips purse because that seems potentially dangerous, but it's still necessary as they discussed earlier.]

Are you taking anyone else with you when you go? I can come along, if you want.

[At least he's aware that Rey and Keith are already well acquainted, so it's not like she's going off to stay with some random person.]

Maybe.

[ the source of her hesitation isn't a real mystery — she doesn't want to be perceived as drawing him away from poe. she's not some villain. not some rival. not some torturess. and until she's sure that poe can see that, she feels the need to tread lightly with finn. ]

Let me know when you speak with Poe, okay?

[ she bends to pick her bag up. ]

[He understands that, at least. He could spin it as keeping an eye on her, but that feels a little like stretching the truth, even if it isn't entirely.

One thing at a time.]

I will. And if you need anything...

[He trails off. He doesn't need to tell her she can contact him anytime.]

I know.

[ she nods then, her smile spreading. ]

I will.

[ at least, she assumes he means she should call for him, in which case, she will. she lets it hang there without further correction, though. ]

And Finn ... Keep an eye on Poe. I'm afraid that if this conflict he has with Kylo continues, it will only escalate. No matter what he believes of me, I don't want him getting hurt again.

[He nods at that too.]

I'll make sure he doesn't do anything crazy. [Or try, at least.] Don't worry.

[This feels a little like an extended goodbye, and he hates that.]

Speaking of, I should go find him before he potentially...does something crazy.

[ she smiles a too-thin smile and nods. ]

Go. I'll see you soon.

[ and in case that isn't enough impetus to send him off, she adjusts her grip on her bag and turns to continue into the crowd. time to go find a tree to live in. ]

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