epidemiology | [CLOSED]

Entry tags:

[CLOSED]

CHARACTERS: Apollo

attorneyatblah + Various others
DATE: 2/1---- throughout the month
WARNINGS: Bad jokes, possible violence
SUMMARY: Bounties

-- CLOSED TO LISSA

Alright! We gotta help the tea seller recover their packages. According to the information it should be around here somewhere.

[This place is far from safe. There are bandits lurking in the corner. They better finish up here quickly if they don't want trouble. Apollo shudders at the thought of meeting bandits. It's a concern for him because doesn't know how to fight properly. Lissa looks like a more capable fighter than he does. Teaming up with her gives him some sense of security. ]

Ugh, I don't see anything yet. How about you?

[He eyes Lissa hopping for a positive answer. Apollo doesn't want to believe that they're so offtrack already. ]

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[ In all honesty, they probably should have grabbed a third person to keep them in line, Lissa's attention span a little too all over the place to focus entirely on the task at hand. Eventually she pulls herself together, of course, but for the first part of their travels she'd definitely been more interested in picking flowers off the side of the road.

Now, though.....she frowns, glancing around the shrub she's currently parked in front of. ]

Nope, I don't see anything. Are you sure they went this way?

[ Maybe they took the other path when the road forked back there... ]

Positive!! I even double checked earlier.

[There's some obvious track marks on the ground and they look recent. Maybe they aren't too off after all. He's honestly happy they have some sort of lead. Investigating a dangerous area can be hard. He's been in too many scenarios where they end up finding nothing useful at all. This gives him some hope. ]

You see those track lines? I wonder if that's where the bandits headed. Can you fight at all, Miss?

[They might end up in a combat scenario. Apollo doesn't want to take a risk if she's not up for fighting. He'll move carefully for the time being. ]

[ She wrinkles her nose at 'Miss' and even more at the question. ]

It's Lissa, not 'miss'. You can use my name, you know.

[ In fact, she would highly prefer it if he did, miss making her sound like some old unwed maid. Never mind that she is both unwed and a maid, but the point remains! ]

And of course I can fight. They wouldn't make me a Bruiser if I couldn't at least punch a few people in the face.

[ Of this fact, she sounds decidedly less certain. She's still not sure if she's really cut out for this whole Bruiser thing. ]

Why, do you think we'll have to fight anyone?

Alright then, Lissa. I should have seen that one coming. Guess I missed the point.

[That's such a poor attempt at a joke, but like he cares! It's funny to him! ]

I saw a bloodstain under a pile of rubble. It's not ketchup or anything of the sort. These bandits look ready for a fight! I'm too young to die and my powers are worthless for combat.

I should let you spank a bandit with that rod of yours.

[ Oh my god.

The joke's so bad it goes right over Lissa's head, and she stares at Apollo with a look of confusion. It's confusion that quickly dies as he continues talking, swapped out for a look of utter horror. ]

Spank—I'm not gonna spank anyone!

[ #yikes ]

That's what moms do to their babies, and I'm definitely not a mom yet!

You know, I'd hate to see a mother who actually spanks their child at such a young age. That poor kid's going to grow up into someone bitter.

[He doesn't approve of using violent learning methods on children! Apollo's eyebrow furrows a bit at that. This is such a strange conversation.]

So, if you aren't a mom then do you plan on becoming one?

[ By this point, Lissa has all but forgotten their original mission of retrieving stolen tea caches, too bewildered by this strange turn of events to even think about the possibilities of bandits and other sketchy dudes in the area.

Why is he even asking?? ]

Of course I'm not a mom! I'm way too young to be a mom, for one. Plus I don't even have a boyfriend yet!

[ Which is the real problem at hand here. ]

Are you a dad or something?

A dad? Heck no!

But, I agree, I also think you're too young to be a mother. No boyfriend though? Ouch. What a shocking turn of events!

[Honestly, Apollo's not really focusing on the mission either. He's starting to feel a little bad for Lissa and getting distracted all around.]

Hold on. I don't have a girlfriend either. What does that say about us??? Are we fated to be single?

[Oh no.... ]

Edited (dwrp ate my tag ) 2018-02-04 21:25 (UTC)

Fated to be single?

[ NO, DON'T SAY THAT. Her voice cracks, a look of pure horror crossing her face. ]

There's no way I'll be single forever! No one could turn down a cute girl like me, right? [ This is terrible, this is the worst! ] Quick, how do we stop being single?

[ RIP the mission, RIP the tea. Will it ever be saved, or will Lissa and Apollo continue to lament their sad status as single people? Find out next time...! ]

I have the perfect plan! [Are you ready for this??? ]

Let's go find someone who looks lonely. Then you can hit them up with a catch line. Say something like..."I'm going to die in the next 12 hours! Please date me it's my last wish!"

They might actually go for it. You won't have to worry about being single if you land a boyfriend this way.

So what do you think? [It's the worst plan ever. No. For the record, he's not completely serious about this plan. He figures that neither of them would go through with it anyways. Thank god for that.]

[ Don't worry, she's definitely not going to go along with it, if only because: ]

But I'm not going to die in the next twelve hours. You shouldn't start a relationship with someone based on lies!

[ That's just WRONG. And also what if they find out it was all a lie? That sounds terrible. ]

Why don't you do it first, and then I can watch you?

No!! Absolutely not! Besides, I was only kidding. What kind of idiot would go for such an obvious lie! [He doesn't want to believe someone would fall for it. ]

Doing something like that makes you look desperate and pathetic. Anyways, I wouldn't worry about not having a significant other yet.

You still got your whole life ahead of you, right? [Someone will want to marry Lissa perhaps. She's still young.]

[ Wow, that sure was a loud objection.

His reassurances are slightly more comforting, though she's still left with a doubtful expression on her face. ]

But I could die tomorrow and then I'd never know what it's like not to be alone.

[ Speaking of dying—a bush not too far rustles. Lissa squeaks and spins on her heel, one hand flying up to her chest in fear.

The bush rustles some more and then—

—out pops a small rabbit, nose twitching in the air. ]

[He forgets to respond back when the rabbit pops out.]

Phew. It's just a rabbit. I thought it was gonna be a monster.

[They were just talking about bandits a minute ago. It's fair.]

The little guy's kinda cute. Do you like bunnies, Lissa?

[Apollo doesn't think that Lissa's a rabbit lady or a pet lady, but he could be wrong. There might be other stuff lurking in the bushes. He pokes at it with a stick to see if anything else will come out. ]

[ The bush rustles again, but nothing comes out. Phew. No bandits hiding in there. As for bunnies... ]

They're okay I guess. They always run away from me whenever I pet them. [ And that's lame!!! ] Dogs are way better. I wish I could have a dog.

[ Are they even gonna rescue that tea at this point....RIP the tea, tbh. ]

[Probably not. Horsing around is what they do best apparently. Goodbye mission. We knew ye well. Apollo starts laughing at Lissa when she says that.]

It's paw-ssible for you to have a dog. Don't let your dreams stay as dreams. You can just adopt one. Dunno if you can do it all the way out here. It's something to think about.

[Only now he realizes that they aren't working at all. Good grief. They wasted quite a bit of time. Maybe the bandits left already. ]

LISSA!!!!!!

[Shouting is the best way to get her attention, clearly.]

Let's get back to work! We got distracted for a moment, seriously.

[So, they're focusing on the job again. The real question is....how long are they going to keep at it?]

Did you find anything else yet?

[ Don't YELL AT HER, her eardrums are extremely sensitive and delicate!! But mostly that she's alarmed easily. She jumps and spins to face Apollo. ]

What? What is it?? Is someone attacking us?

[ Why else would he be yelling so loudly? But then she looks around, sees.....absolutely nothing to be concerned about, and deflates. ]

No, I haven't found anything yet. Maybe we should keep going. They might be further ahead.

No one's attacking us. I expected something to show up by now.

[No luck yet. The rabbit wasn't even very helpful to their investigation. At least it was cute? Apollo lets out a deep sigh.]

Is it just me or is it too quiet? I'm starting to feel danger in the air.

[He's been in too many dangerous and near life threatening situations before. This feeling is very familiar to him.]

Time to get this over with quickly before something eats us. Do you want to be bandit lunch, Lissa?

Edited 2018-02-07 23:39 (UTC)

[ Lissa feels nothing but the futility of this mission.

Just kidding, she can also feel the strange stillness settling into the area. She may not be as good as Chrom at the whole fighting thing or as good as Frederick at sensing when danger is afoot, but even she can tell when the birds stop chirping. ]

No, but Apollo? I think something's going to happen anyway...

[ And wouldn't you know it, four seconds after she says that, three bandits pop out of a different cluster of bushes and run immediately towards them. ]

NOOOOOOOOOOO! They're here! Talk about rude. It's not nice to threaten a lady with weapons!!

[There's three bandits and only two of them. He punches one of them square in the face. Adrenaline starts rushing through his body. ]

My ultimate attack hurts a lot more than a fist to the face. You better run or you'll be sorry!

[To his surprise, the bandits are acting wary now. Lissa can use this as an opening of sorts.]

[ Apollo's sudden actions take her by surprise, and Lissa can only blink and stare for a moment as he launches himself into action to punch the first bandit right in the face.

How brave! Maybe he isn't such a bad guy after all.

His action spurs her own, and she puts days of training to work as she charges forward to swing her staff at another one of the bandits, who topples backwards after getting struck in the knees.

That just leaves one more, who looks at both of them warily before turning right around to run away. He'd been expecting a pair of weaklings, not this! ]

[He tries to be brave, sometimes. All Apollo feels now is fear and a desire to return back safely. Lissa's being more than helpful. He'd applaud her for her efforts, but they don't have time for that.]

Please tell me that's the last one. I don't want to deal with another band of bandits.

[He doesn't keep his eye off the enemy for even a second. Even so, his attention is partially diverted towards Lissa.]

Are you okay Lissa?? I'm doing just fine!!!

[ One plus one plus the one that ran away.....sure makes three! Her math is at least good enough for that, Emmeryn had made sure of it. When Apollo asks if she's alright, she puffs out her chest. ]

I'm a-okay! You don't have to worry about me.

[ She means it. If she works hard here, maybe she can get to the point where other people won't have to watch over her anymore. At least, that's the dream. ]

Hey, do you think any of these bandits might have some of the stolen tea on them?

Oh hey, you're right. They just might. I'll ask them for it. [ Apollo wouldn't be much of a negotiator if he couldn't talk things out. He turns around and glares at the bandit with force. ]

Did you steal tea from a merchant earlier? Answer me or face justice! [The bandit refuses to be cooperative and listen. This guy's searching for an opportunity to escape. In response to that, Apollo's eyebrow starts to twitch. They need help......]

Lissa, why is he so hard-headed? It's like I'm dealing with a three year old here. C'mon now, geez.

[ A good question. Thankfully, she's got a good answer for that, never fear. She puts her hands on her hips, huffing. ]

Because all guys are hardheaded, that's why. Ugh!

[ No offense, Phoenix. Anyway, she's going to give this her own brand of good ol' college try, by stepping up to the bandit and putting on her most menacing look. (Spoilers: it's not very menacing.) ]

Tell us what you guys did with the tea, or I'll make Apollo shove a snake down your shirt!

[ Thanks for volunteering, Apollo. ]

Where am I even going to get a snake? Wait, that's not important. [Lissa why?]

Answer the question, tough guy! [The bandit claims he has no tea on him whatsoever. At that moment, Apollo starts to feel a strange tension in the air. That's what happens when he picks up on lies. This bandit is so full of baloney. You don't even need super powers to tell that he's not being truthful. ]

He definitely has tea on him. I'll make sure they don't run off or anything. Can you search him? Check his pockets!

Leave it to me!

[ Finally, she can be useful in some way! She marches up to the bandit and starts shoving her hands into every pocket she can find. (There are surprisingly many of them!) The first few pockets turn up nothing but the third results in victory: her hand comes out with a few stray packets of tea. ]

Apollo, look! I found some tea!

[ There's probably even more hiding in that bag of his. ]

Good work, Lissa! [ He's happy they found it. There's a huge grin on his face.]

We're still missing a few tea bags, apparently. Our work's not finished yet. [ Tea's likely hiding inside that backpack. Apollo zips it open because it's closer to him. Inside he finds a small package of stolen goods and various other items.]

You think this is all of them?

[ HMMMmmmmMMMM. She toddles over to where Apollo is standing and inspects the contents. It looks like all the tea, for all she knows, but just in case: ]

Maybe we should inspect their bags too, just in case.

Let's go for it. [Apollo dumps out the bags contents onto the floor. He happens to find dirty undergarments inside. Surprise.]

Why did we have to find underwear...? I'm not touching it anymore. [GROSS.]

Lissa. we're done.

[ .................................She makes a face at the underwear and also immediately turns around. ]

Yeah, we're definitely done. C'mon, let's head back with all the tea.

[ She takes a few steps forward, then pauses, thoughtful. ]

What about the bandits though? If we leave them, they might just run off and steal even more tea.

You do make a good point. Let's send them over to someone who can deal with it. Normally we put criminals inside the detention center for questioning. There's nothing like that here so...

[Giving them up would be the next best thing.]

Do you have a better plan?

That sounds like a good idea to me.

[ She's certainly not equipped to deal with bandits. She'd end up having tea with them while they're in jail before too long. ]

Alright, let's take these guys and our tea back and get our awesome reward!

[ Because there's gotta be a reward, right? ]

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NAMI I'M SCREAMING WHY

lmao woops rip val i am not gomen :'DDDddd

closes eyes

same man

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1/3 i cant believe this is a comment chain. rippp

2/3

3/3 done

lord

burries hands into face

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