『伊達政宗』 ᴅᴀᴛᴇ "LET ME DO IT KOJURO" ᴍᴀsᴀᴍᴜɴᴇ (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
wardance) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
epidemiology2016-06-12 11:45 pm
wardance) wrote in epidemiology2016-06-12 11:45 pm
• closed • the truth of letting go lies in the answer
who Masamune wardance & Sieglinde grunehexe
what serious life changing decisions and requests are being made.
when forward dated to after the Recollection Festivities have concluded.
where In Residence (Oska)
warnings bad mothers mentioned and some squicky bone breaking of a 12-year-old's feet ;;
[ Although he has spent plenty of time socializing already, Masamune has also spent more time than what most here who know him to have ever done silent and by himself. The library has been an unlikely background to see the young warlord in, but following the end of the end of the recollection ceremony, Masamune has spent a lot of his time flipping through bound pages.
Now, back in his room, he has brought that atmosphere with him to a chair, wearing more modern casual attire, a white dog loyally resting by his feet. For Sieglinde, the door is always unlocked and doesn't require or expect a knock (although manners would help....). He glances up over his the top of his book curiously when he hears it open, the white dog's ears twitching curiously as it raises its head to greet the newest company to join them, tail already wagging. ]
wardance & Sieglinde grunehexewhat serious life changing decisions and requests are being made.
when forward dated to after the Recollection Festivities have concluded.
where In Residence (Oska)
warnings bad mothers mentioned and some squicky bone breaking of a 12-year-old's feet ;;
[ Although he has spent plenty of time socializing already, Masamune has also spent more time than what most here who know him to have ever done silent and by himself. The library has been an unlikely background to see the young warlord in, but following the end of the end of the recollection ceremony, Masamune has spent a lot of his time flipping through bound pages.
Now, back in his room, he has brought that atmosphere with him to a chair, wearing more modern casual attire, a white dog loyally resting by his feet. For Sieglinde, the door is always unlocked and doesn't require or expect a knock (although manners would help....). He glances up over his the top of his book curiously when he hears it open, the white dog's ears twitching curiously as it raises its head to greet the newest company to join them, tail already wagging. ]
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Reflexively, Masamune's reaction is to want to pull away, but instinctively it is to listen. Every time he's been in trouble or confused or helpless, he's begged and wished and hoped that the other were there to direct him. To tell him he's right or he's wrong or that any of it still matters when there isn't anything left.
He looks up finally, reaching to grab onto Kojuro again. ]
Matsunaga was right, you know. I should have listened to that bastard, but I just let it get worse.
[ The good thing is Kojuro has his attention. The bad thing is... Kojuro has his attention. ]
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[One of the many things about Matsunaga that made him so damned irritating was that there was always a kernel of truth in his lies. And this one has been sitting in the back of his mind since Masamune relayed the conversation to him, all those months ago. Removed from the daily spectre of war, from the responsibilities of ruling... he had wanted to believe it hadn't changed Masamune at all, but perhaps he had been too hopeful.
Not that he had room to judge. He'd gotten soft, too, with the weeks spent in Nalawi. Focusing on crops and building rather than fighting. He'd practiced some, of course, but without Masamune there, it had been too easy to let other matters take his attention. It's a disservice to both of them, and he feels slightly ashamed of it.]
Tomorrow after breakfast, we'll making an offering for you father. And then spar some. [better to try and do what he can to start fixing things, rather than simply wallowing]
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None of this is good enough. Tomorrow isn't good enough. An offering isn't good enough. A spar isn't good enough.
Still, Masamune looks defeated and uncertain. His fingers slowly let go, returning to his side. ]
You can let me go now. [ When the young lord speaks, he lowers his gaze again, but the tone speaks well enough. It's dead and apathetic. ] And tell me where the drinks are.
[ It's hard to tell if he's recircling into his meltdown coping behavior and closing off or simply over it and would like to drown in some misery companion. ]
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[Kojuro releases his old on Masamune's shoulders, though he stays close - he's still concerned, which is clear in his expression.]
I don't have any - just supplies for tea. [and he's damned thankful for that right now. With the mood Masamune is in, alcohol is a terrible idea]
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Since he sees nothing wrong with his want, he will simply move to head towards the exit now.if not stopped he has full intention of retreating back to his room to pull some alcohol out before coming back for any further lecture. ]
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[That does actually get Kojuro to move, shifting to stand in front of the door.]
Masamune-sama, I can't advise that.
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...Why are you doing this to me, Kojuro? 'I did a stupid thing by risking Sieglinde's wellbeing without thinking. I should have come to you first and taken better care.'
Isn't that enough for you? I just want to forget right now so I can sleep. Unless you're offering me something to achieve that, just get out of my way.
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[Kojuro resists the urge to point out an apology given under duress isn't worth much - he's still angry at Masamune, but right now it's overwhelmed by worry. It's been a long time seen he's truly seen one of Masamune's black moods, but he hasn't forgotten how destructive they can be. The toll it takes on him and everyone around him.]
I can't sit by and watch you hurt yourself like this.
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In this way, it's impossible to untangle the conflict to secure even an ideal spot for Kojuro in Masamune's mind that will keep him out of the line of fire when this shit happens. The real problem is, regardless of everything else and what he's feeling, he also takes terrible awful advantage of Kojuro when he's like this because he actually wants to. It has nothing to do about being unable to help it— that want extends to no one else at any point. ]
I don't see how drinking is hurting myself.
[ he gets the bigger picture, of course, somewhere underneath everything, but he is frustrated and desperate enough to push. ]
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[Kojuro hates having to say this aloud - but while he knows Masamune knows this as well as he does, he's clearly not going to drop the issue.]
You lose control of your temper, and it poisons you and everyone around you. [He's not any better himself - it's one of the reasons he doesn't have alcohol in his rooms. In celebration, or a quiet evening? That's one thing. But it only makes bad moods worse, and he knows Masamune will regret it after]
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He pushes forward the rest of the way to tug on Kojuro's jacket at the front again, but it's more of an attempt to get him to cave right now than to try and threaten him into allowing anything. ] Kojuro, you can't expect me to just wait for it to go away without something to distract me?! Without something to comfort me? I need something !
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[Kojuro doesn't move - as much as his heart is crying out to give Masamune what he wants, try to make him happy right now... in the long run, it'll only make things worse. And if Masamune can't be strong in this moment, he has to be instead, for both of them]
I'll stay with you until you sleep, If you need company.
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...Right. Of course, Kojuro will say that. Of course, Kojuro will not leave him alone. Unlike every other person in existence, his Right Eye truly will not abandon him. But, it still hurts. It hurts because he doesn't want to abuse Kojuro while the other deems what is necessary and unnecessary for Masamune's best interests. Kojuro staying with him is comforting, but it doesn't deteriorate his thought process like drinking does.
(he'll probably do something even worse to Kojuro after drinking, if he's honest though and in that second of though it is just the right timing to make him give up on his endeavor.) ]
...Why does it always have to be you? Out of everyone, you... you are the one that has the clearest reasons to leave me.
Yet, you still are the only person I can trust?
[ His hold on the other's coat begins to shake, however, and he grits his teeth together tightly. ]
So... Tell me. What's wrong with me? Why does everyone else just get rid of me when things don't go exactly how they expect it to? I thought that's why you made friends! Aren't they supposed to be there when you need them most and at your worst? [ He's rambling now, people who have treated him well or kindly while here disappearing or leaving or turning away from him or what he can't even understand as worth discarding an acquaintance for. He doesn't understand what he did wrong. Even with Kida and Sieglinde, who tried to communicate their displeasure, he could never seem to connect or understand an issue that seemed so plainly obvious to the others but not to him.
Who does he have left that he knows considers him a friend that he stands to lose? Gintoki and Olivia? Will they, too... ? ]
It's fine... right? It's find to pretend none of it happened and go back to square one like none of them ever happened, right? I don't want to feel like this because of them.
[ He buries his head against the other's chest, trying not to sob, trying not to even spill tears because this is silly. No, not silly, it's pathetic. He is a lord of Oushuu, a Date clan leader, a warlord that has a purpose and country to unify. He has overcome these feelings of inadequacy and set them behind him long ago. How they did come back without him even realizing what he was getting himself into? ]
I messed up. [ His voice is strained, an he doesn't want to say it or speak at all, but he has come a long way with things before this place started to wear him down and he understands that he needs to get back to that standard and not rely on Kojuro remembering how he was and what he meant when he was 17 and have it be an excuse to still act like that here and now. ] I made a mistake with her tonight. I won't do it again. [ he can't seem to actually get anything more than one word syllable words out without his voice betraying him and turning faulty so he avoids them as much as possible. ]
But you... I've messed up so badly since even before you arriv—sorry.... I didn-- sorry you're the one who has to deal with it all just— [ just like all the other times before. And he's sorry because he hurts Kojuro, he's sorry no one else can be trusted or turned to and so Kojuro has to deal with all his blackened moods and unstable episodes of no self-control, all his demons that he's let people help claw their way to the surface again with Kojuro unable to intervene before the incident becomes a situation. ]
Sorry-- it's just you and... ... I don't ... want to trust anyone else but you.
[ He tried and Masamune's now paying for it as well as others suffering from it when it would have been better for everyone to avoid it all to begin with. He wants to close off and be like he was before coming here, with all the confidence and strength of a leader and not like he is now: only left displaying all his vulnerabilities like a child.
He's sorry. He's scared this won't be the last time he hurts Kojuro but he's too selfish to let him go. He's not a child-- not even a teenager anymore clinging to Kojuro but he feels less than one. He remembers Kojuro being the only light and happiness in those times. He can't lose the person who saved his life. Without Kojuro, he would have wasted away, maybe killed himself or died somewhere that no one would have cared to look. He would have let his brother take over as their mother wanted, shamed his father-- just write himself out of the picture.
Of course he can't handle to let this person go. Masamune's nothing without him. He doesn't want to be anything without him, either. ]
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[Kojuro wraps his arms around Masamune, holding him close. It's a little more awkward now, compared to when they were younger - Masamune nearly caught up to him in height in his teenage years - but something about it just feels... right. He has too many answers for Masamune's questions, enough that they all stick in his throat and none of them come out. He wants to say that he'll always trust Masamune - even when they fight, when they get angry with each other, when they disagree - because Masamune is the one who gave his life purpose, gave him a reason to get up in the morning. It's not something he can put into words, so he's always shown it through his actions, instead.
Which makes dealing with this situation all the more difficult for him. There isn't something he can do to make this all right again.] You will always be able to trust me - I promise. [And he'd rather die than break that promise] As for everyone else - they should not expect to be trusted or respected if they break their word, or turn away when they are needed. But you can't isolate yourself completely from other people, either.
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...I met this girl, and I think I was really starting to like her—and I want to say we both caused the problems... but I begin to wonder... When no one else deals with the same problems... that's on me, then, right?
[ It's not that simple, but Masamune wants it to be. In a way, he would rather be the one who messed up than to have fears come true.
It didn't really matter, maybe, in the long run. When things were over and done with, they were both too loyal to their people to make the other happy. Still, before that she was definitely a friend, if he knew ever to call one. ]
It's impossible for me, I think-- to understand any of these people. I really wanted to but I can't. [ fingers clutch tighter on Kojuro's jacket, and he allows himself the moment to sob quietly against the other, being in his arms the only place he feels safe enough to consider it. The sobs are not loud but they are nowhere near indicative of the tears he actually cries.
But, it's something he needs to do and even in his melt-down seems to understand that. He needs to let it out, needs to let it all go. What's done is done and clinging to hurt and betrayal over those that in the past gave him exactly the opposites will change nothing. But he can cry about the loss of them this once, can't he?
His knees eventually buckle, and while Kojuro can certainly make the extra effort to hold him up entirely, the best method to adopt would more likely be to just slide down the door to the floor, as well. It's probably obvious by the time it happens that Masamune is worn out and exhausted-- he clings fiercely to Kojuro but everything else is half-hearted. If Kojuro goes to the floor, the young lord will simply curl up more against the other to cuddle against him and drift to some form of sleep. His childish ways have not changed on this too much. In the end, he still knows only how to hide until what hurts or scares him goes away.
At least, with Kojuro, though, he feels safe enough to ignore them until they really do disappear rather than have to keep one eye open so they don't get him and drag him down into whatever blackness awaits. ]
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[Kojuro lets them both down to the floor, as carefully as he can given the weight of them both. He knows that despite his forceful personality, Masamune is particularly sensitive to feeling abandoned, and Kojuro has no magic words that can fix the hurts done to him, recently or in the distant past. He only has himself to offer, and a prayer that it is enough - and right now, that's a hard thing to believe in. But he holds him close anyway, and hopes, because he knows Masamune is strong enough for this if he puts his will to it.
When Masamune finally falls asleep, Kojuro takes off his outerwear and tucks him into his own bed. It's not the first time he's done this, and it almost certainly won't be the last, either.]