• closed • the truth of letting go lies in the answer

[wardance]

who Masamune wardance & Sieglinde grunehexe
what serious life changing decisions and requests are being made.
when forward dated to after the Recollection Festivities have concluded.
where In Residence (Oska)
warnings bad mothers mentioned and some squicky bone breaking of a 12-year-old's feet ;;

---

[ Although he has spent plenty of time socializing already, Masamune has also spent more time than what most here who know him to have ever done silent and by himself. The library has been an unlikely background to see the young warlord in, but following the end of the end of the recollection ceremony, Masamune has spent a lot of his time flipping through bound pages.

Now, back in his room, he has brought that atmosphere with him to a chair, wearing more modern casual attire, a white dog loyally resting by his feet. For Sieglinde, the door is always unlocked and doesn't require or expect a knock (although manners would help....). He glances up over his the top of his book curiously when he hears it open, the white dog's ears twitching curiously as it raises its head to greet the newest company to join them, tail already wagging. ]

Comments

[grunehexe]

[Sieglinde had done a lot of thinking, left alone with only ten others of their number amongst the Nalawi as they taught them everything they could to prepare them for life without the goddess who had granted them gifts to ease their way of life as long as they had existed. Three months without Masamune, needing Graham, or Haise, or any of the others to carry her from place to place, reminded daily of what she was.

Koltira had been right- and she couldn't blame him for giving words to the fear she'd had all this time. It was simply the truth. She was a distraction. A burden. Being a witch, being a capable healer... they didn't cancel each other out. One didn't make it alright to be the other, and each day was another spent away from her own world, another reminded she might never go back there again at all. That even if she did... she was no longer bound to that fate any longer. The proof of inheriting the Green Witch's duty.

And as much as she masochistically thought she deserved it, the misshapen proof of her own ignorance and sins... she couldn't do enough to make up for what she'd done like this. Putting people at risk for her, worrying them, making them sacrifice time and injuries on her behalf because her accursed feet wouldn't even support her weight...

It was too much.

So when Sieglinde comes in, it's with a bottle of wine clutched in the hand also awkwardly holding on to her crutch, the other dragging her medical satchel behind her, managing to get the door shut before she just stands there, expression difficult to read as she sought out Masamune's gaze.]

... I want you to unbind my feet.

[Abrupt, straight to the point. If she stopped for pleasantries, to pussyfoot about the issue at hand, she might waver. Not for the pain- she can deal with pain. But... if she hesitated, she might give in to the desire to punish herself.

But that wouldn't just punish her, now, would it.]

[wardance]

[ If he knew-- whether it be right or wrong in reality --of being sideswiped with that harsh lining of truth, he would be none too happy with the originator. The fact remains, however, that Masamune has hoped Sieglinde would come around and stop punishing herself. To him, it is what concerns him most, although he wouldn't deny there would be ease in burden by her fixing something fixable.

That's one of the main reasons he doesn't ask about the sudden decision. He doesn't want to know because it would only curse an unecessary that shouldn't happen to begin with when even Masamune wants her to take this path rather than any other.

Without a word, Masamune closes his book gently, setting to rest it to one side as he goes to stand. ]

I could have just come over to you, you know, instead of you needing to take all the stuff with you.

[grunehexe]

[Though he moves to stand, Sieglinde goes to sit, dragging her satchel a few more paces into the room and over to Masamune's chair, which she then commandeered, leaning her crutch against the side arm and clambering up onto the seat, alcohol in hand.

She'd come prepared. Not just with tools and drink, but in a simple shift, (sweat, at minimum, vomit at worst), in only a single layer of bandages around her legs, wearing not the tight heels made to fit the strange arch of her feet but a pair of soft slippers Ban had conjured for her.

Once she got into the chair, though, Sieglinde felt nerves take root at the base of her spine, biting her bottom lip as she tried to get the cork out of the wine bottle. Maybe it would have been better to do this in Oska's infirmary... but. She felt safer here.]

My room's window faces the courtyard.

[And a girl's screams coming from the room would attract more attention that way.]

[wardance]

[ Masamune simply nods, moving to gently put a hand on her head and giving a light rub affectionately. Duran gets up from its lying position, proceeding to scoot closer to the chair now as if to provide more comfort from closer range to the girl.

Masamune lets Sieglinde preoccupy herself with the bottle cork, considering things a moment. It wasn't a practice that ever caught on in his country, so while he does know how to reset bones (...as well as break them), he's never had to do it in combination. It's fine, though. He's not concerned... he'll do it and he won't mess up. He can't mess up-- it's too important (she's too important)-- so it's simply not an option.

Still, he will wait for her to decide how she wants to go about it; she's obviously frightened and there are important things involved in this.l happening. One of them is giving her as much control over her own decision as possible. For the immediate moment... ]

You want help with that? [ he means the cork in the wine. ]

[grunehexe]

[Normally a cork wouldn't give her this much bother... but it wasn't about the cork, now, was it. It was about too many things, and for such a relatively simple seeming decision, (keep them bound or unbreak them), it had far too many nuances to it.

Her mother's influence. The guilt she felt for having been deceived. The masochistic desire to see herself punished, when everyone around her just forgave her. The importance those bound feet had held for nearly a decade of her life.

And she couldn't get the damn cork out. Sullenly, she handed the bottle over to Masamune for help, biting into her bottom lip as she moved to rummage in her satchel, coming up with a notebook that she flipped through until she came up with a diagram she'd drawn on two opposing pages. One, the bones of a normal foot, sketched in fine detail, and on the other, the grotesque shape she approximated her bones took now, the arch of the foot broken and forced upward, the toes broken and folded under.]

... I drew a diagram that might help.

[She trusted herself to do it correctly, but she lacked the pure physical power required to break bone with her bare hands... so she waited to exchange the opened bottle for her book, continuing to rifle through her bag one handed to pull out a vial of clear liquid and a needle.]

[wardance]

[ He takes the bottle from her and removes it, understanding the situation for what it is. Masamune gracefully takes the notepad in exchanging her the no uncorked bottle to look at the diagram. ]

Thanks. [ it's unusual for him to be grateful so easily but that also makes it obvious he's trying his best and actually thinking of her feelings. It also really is helpful to him. It helps any doubts or lapses that could occur (they wouldn't because he decided that but now he can relax a little with the reassurance. ]

...Sieg, did you ever learn about foot binding in other places and why it was done?

[ It may seem cruel to bring up the topic of foot binding as a conversation topic considering what's going to happen but...it has a purpose. While he waits to hear her answer he sets the notepad down and goes into another room. The sound of running water is heard and left running even as he comes back for the time being, still letting her do her thing.

Masamune does glance at her bottle, though wondering if she would be better off with... he doesn't know-- A straw? He's definitely picturing his men drunk off their asses right now with that bottle in place of Sieglinde. Considering they usually wear whatever they don't drink in place of their clothes...

...He makes a slight face with none of the mental context given. ]

[grunehexe]

[Once she had the bottle uncorked for her, Sieglinde murmured her thanks, (ones that had the same meaning as Masamune's, never the type to say it casually over something so mundane as uncorking a bottle), not even bothering with straws or glasses, just... using both hands to tip the bottle up and take a long drag, swallowing quickly.

She couldn't use a proper anesthetic for fear of clouding her mind and rendering her unable to supervise the procedure, but she could at least take the edge off. That question, though...]

... a visitor to my manor told me that women in the Orient had their feet bound because it was considered beautiful.

[She had an answer ready when he returns, but not an answer on how that made her feel. Which was worse? To be crippled by the hands or decree of your own blood simply to be made desirable, or to be imprisoned? Was one even better than the other at all?

Sieglinde didn't know.]

[wardance]

That's right. Especially as dancers in the court of the emperor.

[ He answers, listening to the water to make sure it doesn't overflow while he's talking.

He glances up over the pad of notes. His voice is low, not particularly forceful in his words, but there is no doubt that they are sincere and absolutely not up for debate. ]

You get it, right? That keeping your feet bound is not a punishment—it's only because you decided it to be. It doesn't balance for what you want to be punished for. If you do this, you need to understand you should never look back and feel you deserved it and that maybe you should have kept them this way, after all.

If you're going to be hard on yourself, do it by pushing further into your future. I won't accept you going backwards in thought on this, even in momentary lapses. Find a productive way to punish yourself. Take yourself to your limits and remind yourself that you have to be better than you are now.


... But, right ehere, of all the things you are feeling... there is no place for you to feel guilt as if you're "escaping" something you deserve. ... So, cast it off for good and lighten the weight on your shoulders so that you can take more on.

[grunehexe]

[Dancers in the court of the Emperor. Women who were viewed as epitome of beauty and grace. The idea drew her gaze back down to the feet she'd begun to avoid looking at ever since she'd joined ALASTAIR, frowning slightly at the misshapen things, barely a few inches long. The women in her village had always told her (lied to her) that as she grew, as the bones fused and she left girlhood behind that she would be able to walk better and better... But she was still a child, the bones still more soft compared to an adults, and her walk still wasn't anywhere near elegant.

She had asked Kojuro about it over the months they'd remained in Nalawi. How women danced in the court of the lord of Oushu.

When Masamune speaks she manages to look at him, but her gaze is slightly guarded, wavering with doubt. She had never longed to be able to skip and jump and run- not while she understood that her feet were something to be proud of, proof of her inheritance and commitment to her ancestors pact.

But it was so hard to give up on it now. So hard to imagine giving up that punishment she had grown to view it as, something that served her right. The price of ignorance. The reminder of how foolish and naive she'd been, a warning to herself not to be so eager to trust.

What would it be like, without that? Would she really feel better... or worse?]

I am afraid.

[Sieglinde didn't admit such a thing easy, hunching over her knees with fingers curling tight around the needle, the vial.]

I do not know why... I no longer wish to be bound to that place, and that woman, but I-

[Didn't think she ever could be truly free. Didn't think she deserved to be free.]

I do not with to be a burden any longer... That is all-

[And the desire to punish herself might at least be overtaken by the desire to help others. To be someone people didn't consider a weakness or a liability they had to watch out for.]

02. Kojuro & Sieglinde

[wardance]

[ When Kojuro arrives he won't even have the chance to knock before the door swings open to let him in. Masamune barely meets his retainer's gaze, merely pointing back towards his room were the door is slightly ajar. ]

I moved everything she brought with her for supplies in there. She's sleeping at the moment.

[sengetsu]

[Kojuro shoots Masamune a pointed look, but says nothing. He doesn't trust himself to keep a civil tongue, right now, and arguing would be a distraction from more important work.

Instead, he goes through to Masamune's bedroom and surveys the task he's been set to. The damage is clear enough, under the bandages, though he's a little surprised when he realizes they were broken straighter, rather than bound tighter. He spots her satchel resting on the floor, and goes through the contents contents quickly. Bandages, splints, some surprisingly detailed anatomical drawings of the foot, and a number of bottles with labels he doesn't understand.

He puts it back down, and goes to kneel by the side of the bed.]

Sieglinde? [The name is accompanied by a light touch on her arm]

[grunehexe]

[Sieglinde has helped herself to several of those labeled vials, and slipped into the haze of drug-induced numbness that wasn't quite sleep but was so close it might as well be. She may have been willing to break her own feet in order to attempt to turn them back to a shape more natural, with the hope of perhaps one day improving her walk, lessening the burden she was on others...

But as in doubt as she was about something she'd viewed as almost wrong to try and fix, something she'd barely managed to go through with at all... She wasn't so masochistic as to deny herself painkillers in the aftermath.

At the touch on her arm she instinctively tried to roll over to face the man properly, but instead she hissed in a breath and winced as her body protested the idea of movement, instead turning just her head. Her eyes were red from crying, her skin color drained and pale, gaze a bit hazed over with the drugs she'd taken, but. She was aware enough.]

Kojuro?

[sengetsu]

[He gives her a small smile, and nods] Yes. [The smile fades, replaced by his more usual somber expression.] Masamune-sama asked me to check if had set everything properly.

[Implicit is the fact that there was no way he'd be able to do that without waking her.]

[grunehexe]

Mm...

[He'd said something about that, hadn't he. Calling Kojuro. It was a vague memory amidst a sea of pain, muffled screams, and the sound of cracking bone, but she remembered. She wished it wasn't the better idea... But it was. Another person could ascertain the condition of the breaks better than she could for her own limbs, and though she'd only trusted Masamune enough to be near her, to see her in that sort of situation...

She could trust Kojuro for this, now that it's over.]

Of course...

[Very, very carefully, she dragged herself somewhat limply into a sit, awkwardly pushing the sheets away to provide a better view and access to the tiny feet, less tiny than they'd been the previous day. They even were shaped like feet ought to be, now, the once broken arch that had been shoved upwards rebroken and moved back downwards, the toes that had been individually broken and folded under returned to their previous place... Still lacking the toenails that had been peeled away to prevent nail growth from stabbing into the underside of her bound feet.]

There is little to be done for the nerve damage any longer, but... Once they heal this shape should be much better for balancing...

[Trailed off a bit, her head fuzzy, feet already swollen and throbbing with dulled pain that seemed more intense the longer she looked at them... So she moved her gaze elsewhere.]

[sengetsu]

[he helps her as much as he can, and then shifts slightly to have a better look at her feet. The swelling is already fairly impressive, and he knows it's probably going to get worse before it gets better. Very carefully, he touches a hand to a spot of exposed skin - it's warm, which is good. Less chance of any parts dying off. As for the rest...]

I don't know if I can check the alignment, with this much swelling. Should I try anyway? [because it's going to hurt if he does]

[grunehexe]

[It was going to hurt for a long while, no matter what she did or how many drugs she used to dull it. That was how it worked, in worlds without magic, where you could only set and steady the bones, then wait.

So Sieglinde nodded slowly, giving her permission.]

I have already medicated myself... And if is better set early than later.

[She forced herself to creak her knee into motion, slowly offering one petite foot in a thin layer of supportive bandaging.]

[sengetsu]

[He nods.] I'll splint it better when I'm done.

[He cups her heel carefully, supporting her foot himself. The contrast in size with his hand is a little unnerving, and he's reminded that despite how she acts, she's still just a child. He unwraps the bandages and gathers them as best he can one-handed, then sets them aside on the bed. There's no way he can do this gently, so he settles for working swiftly instead - first probing her toes, then the arch of her foot. Difficult, with the swollen flesh on top, but he manages.

He has to remind himself that the alignment won't be totally exact - if it were, they'd heal back into the same bent shape they were before.A few spots are a little off, though only one greatly so. He shifts each one in turn, correcting their placement]

03. Kojuro.

[wardance]

[ He sits in the same chair he had been reading in when Sieglinde had come in to make her request. It was only a few hours ago but somehow it suddenly feels like it's been forever. He has not moved since he sat down after letting Kojuro in and let him be with Sieglinde to make sure everything was set to give her the best possible chance of fast and successful recovery— that would not in some way still hinder her ability to walk on her own even after everything.

Rather than stare off into space, he has gone back to reading the book he had been in the middle of. Although he is successfully immersed it in and not too distracted to retain what he's reading, it's a very fine line of balancing his intense agitation that keeps him focused.

He might as well make use of his time if he's going to be useless and sit out here instead of be able to help in any way. ]

[sengetsu]

[when he finally leaves Sieglinde to rest, Kojuro heads to where Masamune is sitting. One task down, another to go. He schools any frustration or weariness out of his expression with practiced ease, replacing it with stony stoicism]

You know how stupid that was to do on your own. [statement, rather than question. It's not a question of Masamune's intelligence, just of his decision-making]

[wardance]

[ Unfortunately, Masamune at this time really doesn't know because he's still unable to achieve a clear-headed state and process the situation properly. On one hand he of course understands why it would be stupid (and dangerous), on the other, what is he supposed to do when she barely was willing to go through with it with him, nevermind more people around? He knows tdm not about the ill intelligence, but last time he fucked up by involving other people he and Sieglinde ended up in a ridiculously vicious fight when all things were considered.

He doesn't look up from his book but he has stopped reading to listen considering he is able to respond with something other than a yes or a no. ]

It wasn't exactly like it was a planned thing to happen.

[sengetsu]

[Kojuro looks clearly skeptical of that explanation. Particularly given how it was delivered - he knows when Masamune is dodging an actual discussion.]

You broke her feet by accident, then? [he doesn't raise his voice, but there's an edge of anger in it, along with the unspoken assertion that he knows that's bullshit]

[wardance]

If that's what you feel like calling it, absolutely.

[ His tone is sharp like a blade and his actual response is not much better. Right now, Masamune is not unlike a cat that turns to hiss at its master for no reason, as if to warn them to not get any funny ideas about getting in their way over anything they feel like doing. It's a little different here, of course. Masamune is the master and he's still got a small issue every now and then of trying to indirectly throw his weight around by taking advantage of such a thing.

It never works on Kojuro if his retainer sees enough avoidance of a serious issue, but it doesn't stop Masamune from trying his hand every now and again. Less so in recent years as he's matured and come to terms via experiences he's gone through, but perhaps that alone is enough of a hint that seven months in this place without Kojuro has done something to gnaw away at the progresses previously made.

Kojuro's anger is not something he likes to provoke but it's far easier to deal with to him than admitting to anything or otherwise trying to explain that on top of making a bad judgment call there's this other thing he can't shake and he doesn't know what to do with it.

That he made too many bad decisions and didn't even realize it and he's actually apparently still incapable of being useful on his own for long periods of time without Kojuro babysitting him. He doesn't want to a burden tl Kojuro like thst—(and yet--)!

But for the young Date lord, admitting to any of this will make it feel as if the very conflict he is struggling with has been true the entire time rather than false.

(It was a mistake to not continue with Kojuro later on concerning his loss of composure in the hallway on first meeting, but even that Masamune can't admit to in his head because that just makes him more pathetic and weaker, doesn't it?

Of course it does.) ]

[sengetsu]

[It's clear something is eating away at Masamune. It's been a long time since he's had to deal with a reaction like that from his liege, and for this of all things to provoke it - it bears further delving. But he's not one to react to something like this by giving way. It would serve neither of them in the long run - he hasn't coddled Masamune before, and he's not about to start now]

Stop it. [The words are a hissed command - not retainer to lord, but teacher to student] You aren't fooling me or yourself with this.

[wardance]

[ Masamune sneers, closing the book to glare over at Kojuro now. It's perhaps even more agitating than ever to be rebuffed by his retainer not indulging his behavior by shifting authority. Normally, Masamune does not attempt to abuse rank but that doesn't mean right now it doesn't get under his skin.

He smacks the book down on the arm of the chair as he gets up, stalking over towards the exit into the hall. ]

Your room. [ It's demanding, but not in the commanding way of a Lord's authority, rather that of a bratty child. Nevertheless, it's probably at least said in mind with the fact he is at least being considerate of Sieglinde. On the other hand, it's easily a tip-off to Kojuro that Masamune is not going to stop anything.

It's going get worse before it gets better. Which is... not very unlike how it was when he was 17/18. This just seems particularly uncontrolled, as if he's been getting away with this sort of thing for quite some time in Kojuro's absence. (Luckily, it's not the truth, but the unlucky part is still in the fact that's the type of thing Kojuro is dealing with.

Wonderful.) ]

[sengetsu]

[Kojuro nods his acquiescence to that half-command, even if he knows it's the precursor to more conflict - he doesn't want to disturb Sieglinde any further, either. He follows Masamune down the hall, the position less one of subservience and more like a guard marching a prisoner to execution. Which is an accurate reflection of their moods at least.

[As soon as the door closes behind him, the anger is back in his expression]

Now. Explain yourself.