epidemiology | and if you close your eyes, does it almost feel like nothing changed at all?

Yes, but don't worry! That was over two years ago, and a good doctor cured me of the illness!

[ it's quickly waved aside in favour of...

o h.

instead of laughing, she smiles warmly at her friend, Sonia y so cute... ]

Whichever you prefer! I like not wearing anything, the bath is more relaxing like that... but you could wear a swimsuit if you like! Or go in with a towel, too.

It is still... [ She trails off though, still shy about it but at least she's getting ready now. Parts of this aren't quite as embarrassing. She pins up the end of her ponytail, twisting it around similar to how Haise showed her back on Perdition's Rest. She just had to do it without the extra braids without his help.

Next, she starts with her clothes. ]

Well it is... just us here. It might not be that strange.

[ She trusts Nami enough to believe her if she says the bath is more relaxing that way. ]

And sadly, I do not have a swimsuit so this will do.

[ She gets quicker about it at least, leaving everything in a pile to the side before she steps in as well. She almost slips in by trying to get in too quickly, too self conscious about this. With practice it will get easier though. ]

Ah... it is so warm.

It's not strange at all! Riza and I came here on our previous stay in Oska.

[ you may extrapolate that it means neither of them wore any kind of a swimsuit, either.

she gives Sonia her privacy, instead closing her eyes and leaning her head back, against the wooden edge of the baths, resting for a moment until she hears her friend slip into the water, too. ]

Isn't it? It's so lovely here! [ she wonders if maybe she should ask Sonia what she wanted to talk about... ah, well, if she doesn't start it in the next few minutes, then she will! ]

I see. This is my second time, but the first I merely kept my underwear on as I do not have anything to swim in...

[ She relaxes when Nami closes her eyes, keeping her clothes in a pile before getting into the water. Once in though, some of the tension disappears and she sighs softly. ]

It is... [ She trails off for a moment then, letting the heat from the water seep into her skin and bones, warming her up from the cool air outside. She waits a moment, before opening her mouth to speak. ]

Nami... There is something I wish to talk to you about, though it will not be easy.

[ She draws her knees up a little, just wanting something to hold onto. ]

Ah, then it's good you came here with me! It's a lot more comfortable like this.

[ without underwear, she means... gosh, don't be a prude Sonia, embrace your body!! ... though maybe not literally.

Nami opens her eyes, finds the form of her friend there in the water, knees drawn close to her chest. she nods, her own expression serious — a wordless yes, go ahead. she doesn't want to speak, for fear of cutting her friend off now, saying something wrong when she doesn't yet know what it is Sonia has on her mind. ]

It is. Thank you.

[ For the note on how to do it properly, though she's fine when she's by herself it's just weird undressing around others okay???

Though when she doesn't hear anything from Nami she looks over, catching her small nod in response. She exhales then, her eyes looking back at the water as she tries to find comfort in the heat of it, in the fact that she knows Nami has a similar situation in the sense that there's a bounty on her head and everything else. She trusts Nami with this. More than anyone here, really. It's why she even invited her here to begin with... it's just taking some time for her to get the words out. ]

It is rather difficult to know where to begin... though perhaps I could say that my world is actually in a much worse state than I tell people? [ Partly because then more questions would rise about what happened, and she isn't sure how long she can avoid the truth for. ] It is almost apocolyptic, actually. Most buildings are now rubble, fires have spread and many people have died. It is... not a topic I find is good for a first meeting.

[ it isn't the first time someone comes to her for advice, to confide in her — even back home, she was often the crew's designated psychologist, the one everyone came to talk to when they needed to get something off their chest. and in Peridition's Rest, both Olivia and Asher had talked to her of their troubles; it isn't a surprise, now, to see Sonia like this, struggling for words.

(not a surprise, no — there's been enough small hints to tell her that there is something heavy in her friend's past, weighing her down. but she also knows everyone will talk in their own time... pressing them about it is not good for anyone.)

quietly, Nami recalls Sonia telling her that her world wasn't in a good state, about the attacks on her family, about wanting to make it better for her people. ]

... I see. Yes, I understand why you wouldn't speak of it much. [ not just because it's not a good topic to start upon with someone you don't know well, but also because Sonia loves her people... it must be hard, to know they're suffering. ]

[ She'd understand why, despite her flaws (and everyone has those) Nami is approachable. She's warm. She's someone Sonia has grown over her short time here to turn to for company and now, after Nami had told her about some of her own life on her post... it's made it easier.

Her eyes flutter briefly, and she exhales. ]

What if I were to tell you, that all of that was partly my fault? [ Her hands twist so she can push at the water lightly. ] I was not aware of it at the time, however, as myself and my classmates were brainwashed into spreading despair across the world. That is why, when you told me about the bounty on you, I can understand it too well.

I mean... it is rather difficult to think of how to explain this without it sounding better or worse than it is. And I... [ She swallows, her throat feeling tight as her head lowers a bit. ] I was not sure what to do, but I cannot keep this to myself for much longer.

[ again, she listens in silence, puts together a picture of what might have happened, what Sonia did that caused her world to end up in the state it is now.

when she's done with the explanation, Nami reaches out, her hand cupping Sonia's jaw, pushing her chin upwards slightly, so she can look at her friend in the eye. ]

If you were brainwashed to do it... then it wasn't truly you. Yes, it was your body that made the actions, your voice that spoke the commands... but it wasn't you, Sonia. The you I've come to know would never allow her country and her people to come to any harm. Blaming you for what happened... no, it's the one who did it to you and your friends who is to blame.

[ but even so, she understands how easy it is to blame yourself for something that the world or someone else caused to happen. ]

[ The touch, as light and caring as it might be, is what triggers her eyes to water up anyway. Her head lifts so she can look Nami in the eye. She's only cried once before in front of someone here, and that was when Lance had told her Bud had been asleep for 10 thousand years, a trigger that reminded her of her own friends' endless sleep in their comas. Her eyes flutter for a second as she listens to what Nami tells her, but she cannot bring herself to believe it whole heartedly. ]

Perhaps not, but it does not change the fact that I... have done many things to innocent people. It does not change the fact that the Future Foundation wish us dead now. I can never return to my country. Not after what I... [ She swallows again, her eyes shutting tight this time. ] I did. I took the crown from my parents, Nami... what kind of daughter would do that?

[ One under the control or influence of someone else, but you know............. ]

No... it doesn't change that. You can't change the past — it's only the future you can affect.

[ even as she speaks, she doesn't let go — instead, she takes Sonia's hand in both of hers, making sure she knows she's here for her, that she has her support, no matter what. ]

I know it doesn't make it easier, to think it was all done by someone else, when you still know it was your body that did it. But you will only hurt yourself by thinking of what happened. If you live in the past... you can never make it better. You were forced to do that, Sonia — you didn't have a choice. I understand how that feels... I was forced to work for the man who killed my mother. Everyone thought I had turned my back on them, that I didn't have a heart, that I would betray my own mother just like that... I'm sure they asked the same thing, what kind of daughter would do that?

But it doesn't matter what others think. You do what you have to do... to make things better. If the Future Foundation wants you dead, then you find a way to help that still keeps you off their radar! If you can't return to your country... you find a way to help your people out of the country.

I know you can do it, Sonia-chan. What happened to you was unfair and terrible... but it wasn't your fault, and as long as you remember that... you'll be able to continue on.

[ Her hand curls back around Nami's, her eyes staying on the other girl's face even when they become blurry from the tears. She wasn't sure what she'd expected when coming to her, but hearing about Nami's own past makes her teeth bite into her lip. ]

I am truly very sorry. I had no idea. You must have been very sad... It may not be my place to say so but you are... truly such a strong person. I have been told that before, but I am not sure I can believe it for myself right now.

If I am honest, I am not entirely sure what would have happened at home after we woke. Three survivors were the ones that helped us return to normal, but I was not awake long enough to fully have time to take everything in. We were put into that program to erase all our memories and reprogram our minds to before everything happened, but a virus was put into the system making it into a murder game instead and we had to force shut down... I am not even sure how we came out of it as we did.

Does it mean that it did not work at all? Could I fall back into that state at any time? It is... impossible to say. All I know is what I was told. Everything... is so confusing.

It's alright! If you can't believe in yourself... I'll believe in you for you, until you can do it yourself!

[ it's a determined declaration, one that comes with a squeeze of her hands around Sonia's, a promise to always believe in her friend... that's what nakama do, after all. ]

... you'll figure it out. Anyone would be confused after going through something like that. [ that is an understatement — it must be horrible, like waking up from a bad dream that somehow has all been real. ] But, Sonia-chan... now that you're out of it, I'm sure you'll find a way to make sure it never happens again, that you can work to make everything right again. It may be painful, it may be hard... but I believe in you.

Thank you, Nami. [ Both of her hands shift to curl around her hands in turn, squeezing back. While it might be awkward to hug in a place like this, she does shift to let her head rest against Nami's shoulder. ]

There is also something else I wish to ask you, actually. It is... nothing like I just mentioned, however, I am uncertain because of those things I suppose.

[ lightly, Nami leans her head on Sonia's, never letting go of her hands even as she listens to her friend continue on. it seems there was more weighing on her mind. ]

Of course. What is it that's making you feel unsure?

[ Her eyes flutter when she feels Nami lean back and she sighs faintly. ]

I am unsure of if I made a mistake or not... back at the ball. You are aware of that strange blind date match that happened, no?

Mm, I remember that. You went with Lance-kun, didn't you?

[ she remembers seeing them together before she and Sonia went off to the ice maze. ]

What happened?

[ Hopefully Nami can't see it from this angle, but her face definitely heats up at that. ]

I did something, that I am not sure was the right thing to do. [ She pauses, trying to say it properly. ]

All evening I took some of the plants from around the castle, as keepsakes... Then when he walked me back to my room I used the one that you cannot leave without a kiss, because I thought... is that not how a date should end? And it was nice but... he acted so strangely afterwards that I am not sure whether I should have done it that way or at all or...

[ She's too clueless with all of this. ]

[ she doesn't rush the explanation, instead waiting carefully for Sonia to speak, to give the full account of what happened before saying anything. ]

I see... [ yeah, she definitely gets it. ]

Sonia-chan — I think I know why you feel uncertain. You did it because you thought you should, right? But what you should have done... was what you wanted. Traditions don't matter!! All that's important is that you do what you want to do. Was it something you wanted? Then, it was the right thing. But if you only did it because you thought it was expected, and used a plant to force it to happen... then, weren't you lying to both Lance-kun and yourself?

[ she pauses... and smiles. ] If there's something you want to do, just go ahead and do it!

Not necessarily what I should either, I think it was more what I expected should happen. It always happened in the dramas I watched, so I thought... perhaps it was what was right? [ She pauses to flick the water gently, watching the ripples spread out. ]

I am not really sure of what I want. I have never had much of a choice before.

Then...

[ she lifts her head up so she can look at Sonia better. ]

You shouldn't allow anything you've watched or heard of dictate what you do. Take your time to see what it is you want... I know it can be hard, when you're not used to having the choice, but wasting the opportunity to learn your own wishes would be almost as bad as not having the chance at all.

[ She lets her this time, though she looks guilty when Nami catches her eye. ]

For a very long time I had to put my country first, so I automatically default to what I should do as a princess. If I do not have things I've watched or read to follow then will I not cause more problems?

Mm, I understand. It is difficult, to let go of the ways you've trained yourself to think with... but it's possible. Sonia-chan — this is your chance to think of yourself, first of all.

[ she smiles encouragingly. ] Even if you cause a problem... isn't it better to deal with it as it happens, and then learn from it? If you make your own mistakes... then at least they're still yours, ones you can fix later.

So do you think I should talk to him about what happened? Apologise, maybe? [ She hasn't really had to apologise for anything before, but this feels as though she might have been a bit selfish. ]

Everything else is not as complicated I think. He said I had not needed to use the plant at all, but then he acted really strangely after and I may have made things worse. That is not what I wanted.

[ itt: Sonia has no idea about how these things work smh ]

If you feel the need for it. Maybe... explain why you did what you did? I'm sure Lance-kun will understand.

[ why does she have the urge to pat Sonia on the head..... ]

and if you close your eyes, does it almost feel like nothing changed at all?

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