epidemiology | [closed] with the strength of a will and a cause

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[closed] with the strength of a will and a cause

CHARACTERS: Keith and Rey
DATE: The day after the wedding.
WARNINGS: Blood and stabbing, likely lots of Star Wars spoilers if you haven't seen The Last Jedi yet.
SUMMARY: Keith's dangerous foray into the Star Wars cast finally comes to a head.

[Gram feels heavy in Keith's hands as he carries it out into the woods. Light filters down through the tree tops, hitting the ground around him, creating a shadow with the sword extending beyond it, unable to hide the weight of the truth it holds. Guilt doesn't keep Keith from this place. Understanding that he might be destroying everything in trying to help doesn't keep him from it, but it sure doesn't help.

Keith sends a message with his coordinates and asks Rey to join him. He doesn't bother to conceal the sword while he waits.

A year ago, he and Loki had an arrangement where Percy would be stabbed with this very sword. It turned out that Percy's truth hadn't mattered to Keith, the same way that Zymandis' founder's truth hadn't. Here, Keith wonders if it's fair to leverage Rey's truth above theirs, but Loki's reminder of how Rey's lies had become her truth echo in his mind.

He worries, but he doesn't leave. Too much has happened since Rey returned with the disappointment of a new person abandoning her in her life. Keith promised to stay with her until they were both ready to go. As it turns out ... something like this seems to be a part of the bargain. He just knows it'll hurt him as much as it hurts her.]

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[ Rey is still weary from a nigh sleepless night recovering from her drinking with Hayame when she gets his message. She comes. There's no question about it. There's a pit in her stomach and a nervousness for how she will even begin to confront this, but she needs to do it. Keith deserves this for what she'd put him through.

Whatever was coming, she had to face it. But she's wise enough not to go with hopes that he will be smiling and at ease with her; it has been days.

Still. She doesn't expect the sword in his hand. Her pace slows as she approaches, noticing it, and there's a frown pulled across her face. She can feel his resolve, but not make sense of his intent without probing and — Well, that's just one more line she would be crossing. So she doesn't. ]

I thought you wanted to talk.

I do. That's why I'm here. I've been thinking a lot this week. And ... I was angry. I'm still pretty frustrated. But ...

[In a lot of ways, he's come to terms with everything that he has to do today, even if it doesn't go off as planned. He hates that he might have to ask Rey to do something she's completely uncomfortable with. That doesn't mean he's not going to ask.

Loki had a point. And he knew Loki wasn't doing this for some conniving reason. It was pretty straightforward in the end.]

This sword ... might help. It's called Gram. It helps you see the truth. Even if it's a truth you're not totally comfortable with seeing. It makes you speak the truth, too.

[ The sword has a name? Rey looks … confused by that, but it's really not the point. The point is that she visibly tenses when he describes its effect. For all the problems in her life, for all the hardship and misery, she has always been in control of herself. She has always been the one to make choices and steer, even when those were mistakes.

This thing forcing anything out of her? Rubs her the wrong way. Keith suggesting that it's somehow the right or only way to deal with his frustration makes that worse.

Finally, she realizes what Kylo has been getting at with her, one of his chief discomforts with her. It's not unlike the way she has pushed herself onto him, dragging him towards the Light. Fear of the Light is not a sentiment she should empathize with, yet here she is. Suddenly keenly aware of what she has really been asking of him and how bone-deep the discomfort goes.

Of course. It makes a painful kind of sense; Keith does not know what she had been asking Kylo for, that night. He doesn't know how badly she has wanted to come forth with it, how hard it has been for her to figure out how to articulate what has confused her all along.

Telling Keith those things felt different when it was her choice; now it feels like he's trying to crack her open like Kylo had on Starkiller. Forced vulnerability is no kind of vulnerability at all. ]

You brought that to use on me?

I came here to give you a choice. ["To use on me." Keith isn't surprised that she would see it as a matter of using it as a weapon against her. Everything he had worked out with Poe the night before had led him to understanding that a lot of her actions were done out of defensiveness. She truly believed that she was making the right choice, and all evidence to the contrary says otherwise.]

You've been lying to so many people that I'm not sure you know what the truth is. It nearly got me killed. [It's hard for Keith to use that, to value his life highly enough to leverage it.]

Loki didn't give me the sword to use it on you. He gave it so you can see your truth for yourself.

[ That's a one-two punch. First the illusion of choice, and then news that he had done exactly what she had asked him not to do the last time they'd spoken alone about this whole mess. He'd gone to other people instead of coming to her. Anger rises, and just as quickly is snuffed out. She doesn't have a right to that. She'd done this. It was her fault. She was the monster, not Keith, and—

She realizes where that voice is coming from, though. It's hers, in the back of her mind, the same one that has been telling her that she's nothing. That she's not enough.

On some absurd level, it's Thrawn she reaches for. He'd been the one to tell her that she couldn't keep letting that define her. She couldn't treat herself like that. ]

You brought Loki into this?

[ The anger comes out in a sharp snap. ]

You went to Loki instead of coming to talk to me? [ And she'd been ready to tell him everything. Would he have given that to Loki too? This paranoia feels referred, somehow; borrowed. And yet isn't it deserved? He'd gone behind her back again. ] This is none of his business!

"Went" to Loki? He saw that something was wrong with me. Aren't you listening to yourself? I found out how you're still lying to Poe. All of this is hurting you. [Her frustration feels fair, but everything still feels like her lashing out. He stands his ground for now, not yet letting go of the sword. But he isn't stabbing her with it, either. Keith does intend to keep it a choice.]

Don't you see that? I didn't come to you because I don't know if you're going to lie to me again. And I don't even know what you think is the truth anymore.

[Some exasperation and desperation seeps into his voice as he keeps going. Is he not allowed to be angry? Is he not allowed to demand the truth of her when it nearly cost his life? It's hard to value himself highly enough for that, but if it had been Shiro ...

And once, it had been Shiro. The omission of the truth had nearly cost him his life.]

[ And Poe too. Suddenly, she gets the sense that she didn't have remotely an idea of what she was getting into when she came out here. Her chest clenches, wrings the air from her lungs. ]

I came here to apologize for getting you involved. I never wanted that to happen, and it was my fault, and I'm sorry. [ This is all true, but she sounds angry when she says it now. There's blame and accusation there, like she'd tried to do something kind and preserve their friendship and he was here to turn against her. ]

But you don't get to force your way into my pain. It doesn't belong to you.

What I've shared with you, I shared because I knew I needed help. I trusted you. All you've done since then is tell me why what I feel is wrong and go behind my back.

I—I went to Kylo Ren because I thought you needed someone on your side. [He stabs the sword into the ground, letting it go for now. There's a tiny wince of pain from a wound underneath his jacket, but he doesn't give away much about it. Keith wouldn't come to a meeting like this without testing the weapon himself. It would feel ... dishonest in a way.]

That's what you made it seem like. Like no one from your world would understand. Poe and I ended up on guard duty together.

[A long beat before he goes on:] I-I'm worried about you. I want to help. And I don't think I can do that unless you admit some stuff to yourself. It's not up to me to tell you that.

[ The trouble, then, is that she doesn't believe him. Oh, he's telling the truth. She would feel it if he were lying. But — His help isn't help at all because it's conditional. She had just learned about how she was approaching Kylo all wrong, and now Keith was doing that to her. It should probably disturb her more, what those commonalities reveal, but instead —

It just hurts. Keith is pushing this all onto her because he thinks it's the right way to go about it; he's not letting her decide. He's not helping her figure it out. He's trying to, and when she's alone, and her head is cooler, she'll recognize that later, but …

It's too much. ]

The last time I came to you for help, you couldn't get away fast enough. [ She snaps that out. It's a low blow. Right now, she doesn't care. ] And you were right to. My feelings for Kylo are none of your business; involving you in any of this was a mistake that I won't make again.

I'm already involved! Kylo Ren almost killed me that night. Don't you remember that? Or do you really expect me to just ... just forget about that? [Frustration surges through his voice as he takes a step toward her. The sword remains where it is in the ground.]

I didn't want to help with the feelings because I don't think I can help. The rest though? Feeling like you have to be everything to everyone? Feeling like you have to be what Luke Skywalker can't be because he ran away from it? Don't you think I'd get that? [The reason why he identified with the pressure on Luke is because he feels like he is running. But Rey's running, too, isn't she? It feels like it.]

You're trying to push me away. It's what I did to Shiro at first. But he didn't give up on me, and I'm not giving up on you. Even if you refuse to see that right now.

[ She had come out here expecting his trust and support, and she hadn't gotten either. Since then she has dropped her expectations. When would she learn that expecting anything of people only hurt? Only left her looking like a fool in the end?

But she can't address that because she's immediately swept up in what feels like an accusation against her. ]

You seem to understand how I feel very well. [ By which she actually means not at all and also kind of fuck you. ] It's a wonder you felt the need to bring that sword at all.

That's why I didn't want to tell you! [Tell her how she felt. That was his point the entire time! His stomach clenches up as he takes another set of steps toward her.] It's not my place to tell you. And if I'm wrong about it all—that's fine. But I don't know why you think I'd come here to hurt you.

[Everything about her doesn't seem like her. He's at a loss, helpless and clinging to desperation. Hopefully he can get through to her.]

If I really have it all wrong, just—just tell me. Please.

No, thank you. I'm not telling you anything.

[ It hurts her to say it as much, she guesses, as it hurts him to hear it, but she can't say anything else. Over and over again she has tried to make Keith understand. On Viridian Sea, she'd tried to explain about Luke, and he'd thrown it back in her face because it had hurt him to hear her honesty. Then she'd tried to seek help from him and work through how she felt about Kylo, and he'd run away.

Now he wants to hear it, but only if he can drag it from her by force instead of letting her work through anything. He doesn't want to help her. He wants to be rid of her, like a problem he can solve and put away. ]

Not when you're just going to turn around and tell anyone in Guild Ophelia who'll stick around long enough to listen.

No, it sounds like you don't want to tell me the truth. I nearly died because of you keeping secrets from me, and you still won't tell me. Haven't I earned that? The sword's behind me, Rey. And you still don't think I'm owed anything because I found out just how much you've been lying to everyone. [There's a strain in his voice. Deep down, this conversation hurts. It hurts more than anything could hurt, except for the times that he lost Shiro. He can feel her slipping away, and it's not to death or anything else.]

I thought ... I thought of all people ... you'd care that I almost died. That something like that would really mess with me. Loki cared. Lance cared. And I know saying their names are just going to make you mad, but I'm involved. And the more you lie and push everyone away, the more people get hurt.

Of course I care.

[ Her expression contorts in something anguished and just a little horrified; she can't understand how he doesn't see how much it had torn her apart to come out to that, how she had immediately reached out for him, how she'd already said she came out here to apologize once. ]

Keith, I almost killed him. [ Does he know how that would have destroyed her? If Kylo had fallen, and he had not survived it? ] For you. To protect you.

[ And then he comes at her like this, revealing all the ways in which he just can't trust her. God, they're a mess. All of them. And Rey, at the center of it, the ostensible fulcrum on which the whole thing balances. She is wrong. She has made mistakes. But she's trying to fix them.

If it weren't for that sword back there, if he hadn't come at her with such mistrust — she had meant to tell him everything. How it had started. She'd even searched for vocabulary to describe the bond, something concrete, but — But it was worthless to him. He'd never believe her. If he were capable of it, he never would have brought that sword in the first place. ]

I love you.

[ But that doesn't change his mistrust. ]

I know. [To which part? Keith doesn't specify. There's the sense that it's to all of it. He knows what it means for her to have nearly killed Kylo Ren to protect him. And he worries that because he recovered that night, that he wasn't meant to feel ...

That it wasn't all supposed to hit him eventually. But it did.]

I know what it's like to hurt someone by lying to them. Lance won't even look at me now that he knows. [Keith isn't telling her this just to make that admission. It's meant to have a point in the longer term.]

The only thing that makes sense for you doing this to everyone you care about is if you believe some of the lies yourself. That maybe you lost track of the truth along the way.

The only thing that makes sense to you. [ She says it almost distractedly, as though she's figuring that out. ] But you aren't me. You don't have all the information, and even though you say you want the truth, you don't. Every time I've tried to give it to you, you've turned me away.

[ On this, she can dig her heels in. ]

What reason have you given me to trust you?

[ She feels terrible about what happened to him, but that doesn't warrant trust. She understands why it makes him demand explanation, but it doesn't give her reason to give it.

There's a kind of peace in that, something she'd been seeking. She has felt so terrible not telling Poe and Keith and Finn, but none of them have given her good reason to trust them with it. None of them have the perspective. You are too concerned about what others think. That had been what Kylo said of it, and she'd agreed with that much. But now she's … realizing she doesn't need to.

She can't stand the thought of Keith thinking his life means nothing to her, that the attack on it hadn't shaken her to her core. But she doesn't need his approval. And he isn't offering her the support she has asked for time and again. So what is she chasing by trying to tell him, trying to make him understand, in the first place? ]

I turned away from you because it had to do with feelings. Don't act like I've done it any other time. I didn't want to give you the wrong advice because of how badly I messed up things with Lance. I was wrong about that, and I'm sorry. [Lance had been right about what it looked like he was doing there. It looked like he was leaving her without any support because he was too scared of what he had to offer, of what he could do.]

I can see—I can tell that hurt you. I can't take back what I did that day. But don't—don't try to tell me I've turned on the truth from you. That anyone has turned on the truth from you. I was stupid and thought it was a separate thing. I was wrong, I guess.

[Even saying all this, Keith can't overlook the fact that it feels like ... no matter what he says will be the wrong thing. There's no convincing her. The moment he made a point about the sword, she had decided she didn't want anything more to do with him.

That she could no longer trust him.]

[ He's forgotten Viridian Sea already, the key reason why it stings so much when he brings up Luke Skywalker. She'd given that to him and now he weaponized it against her. But she isn't going to split hairs over that when there's a bigger question begging to be answered. ]

Would anything I tell you be enough?

[ It's an honest question in its rawest form, some effort to search out a piece of him that she wants to believe is there. At the end of the day, Rey's no good at giving up on people, even when she's hurt. And so she hates herself for it, but she still asks. ]

Or have you already decided that anything I say without touching that sword doesn't matter?

Rey ... if you need to go into my head to know I'm telling the truth, do it. But as frustrated as I am for you not telling me the truth, I really do think it's about you not knowing some truths yourself. [After a beat, he draws down his sleeve so that she can see a slightly treated wound underneath. He had cut himself with the sword to see how it works.]

Some truths aren't easy for you to face. For anyone to face.

I don't want to go in your head.

[ She shuts her eyes, turning her face briefly away from him. That's just … more insulting, somehow, but she tries not to let it rankle her like everything else. It's pretty obvious that Keith's opinion of her has plummeted. She doesn't blame him for that, exactly. But it stings all the same and she thinks she deserves better.

That's a new an exciting development for Rey: thinking she deserves better.

Anyway, despite her discomfort with the offer for telepathy, the truth is that … she's been able to read his feelings the whole time, passively. And there's no lie there. It's just that she doesn't think he knows what's best, even if he thinks it's what's best.

And … She doesn't believe that once she starts explaining, he'll stick around for all of it. There's that too. ]

And I don't need you to tell me about what's hard to face. I know. [ She snaps this. She'd deluded herself about her parents. Some part of her, admittedly, is curious if she really is hiding something else away, but —

No. He's projecting a problem because he doesn't understand all the context. Worse, this right here is the hard truth to face: that Kylo had been right about Keith all along. She couldn't trust him. ]

I'm sorry. Anything I tell you, you'll just tell to whoever you want. [ She drops her head. She wanted to try to trust him, but … Loki. Poe. This sword. As long as he feels like he knows better than her about how to handle this, he's going to do whatever he feels is right — tell whoever he thinks he needs to tell. ]

[Some of his worst fears about this are suddenly realized. Deep down, he worried that Rey was telling him stuff because she believed him to be on the outside of it all. If he was removed enough, she wouldn't feel like her own carefully handled circle of friends wasn't collapsing in on her.

Now, he's just made everything worse. He told Poe he'd handle it. He was wrong. She won't trust him again.

He wants to back down, to lean on that feeling of guilt, but he can't.]

No, you don't want me telling anyone anything because you'd rather keep on lying. No matter what I said here, it'd all be the same. You've made up your mind about me. I was only good to tell things to because I had no way of knowing if you'd finally tell the truth to everyone else. [If they really were going to spend the next few years here together, this would be nothing. Normally, it would be nothing. They could overcome this.

He turns away from her.

He knows he isn't explaining why he told Loki anything, but he shouldn't have to. Loki's one of his closest friends—when Rey was gone, when everything with Lance went to crap, Loki had been there to help him. He lifted him up and inspired him, and he has a big place in Keith's life now. Can't Rey see that?]

You're so afraid of a future that hasn't happened that you're causing it right now. I'll be here when you want to talk. But right now ... you don't. You don't want to do that. [Lance and Rey in one week.

Keith picks up the sword and draws it close, ready to depart.]

I really am a fool. [ It's just like Kylo. ] I defended you to him. I told him that I could trust you. Yet you think so little of me.

[ That's what hurts most of all. The picture Keith has painted here isn't a flattering one by any measure. It's one that imagines her as petty and selfish and irreverent. Some parts of that may cut too close to the truth, but other parts …

She's not a liar. She doesn't want to lie to anyone, but more than anything, this conversation with Keith has made her realize that she can't depend on anyone else to understand. They haven't been through what she's been through; they don't see the world the same as she sees it.

Only when he turns away does she realize that tears have started slipping down her cheeks. She reaches up hastily to wipe them away. No. There's been enough of that. She's tired of crying. ]

What's the point? No matter what I say, you won't listen. You've already decided for yourself what my feelings are. Anything outside that, you won't accept.

[Him. Kylo Ren. He's the part of this puzzle that Keith can't seem to figure out. Somehow he fed into something that Kylo Ren had said. What was it? Did it have to do with why he almost killed Keith? Was it because Keith couldn't be trusted? And if so, did he just prove today that he deserved to almost be killed, if not to Rey then to Kylo Ren?

It's possible. No, it's likely.

He looks back toward her in the periphery. When he speaks, his voice is soft, distant, like he's reluctant to let go but he's also found his resolve for the moment.]

No. Because no matter what I said here, it wasn't the right answer. I believe in you, Rey. I'm not giving up. I mean that. That means I'll wait as long as I have to. [He turns the sword over, finding its hilt from a different angle.

He knows what it feels like to be walked away from, and he feels terrible having to do it. But telling her to believe in herself instead of in him isn't going to help. It's killing him—all of this is killing him.

Which is why it's hard to look away and begin moving forward, keeping her at his back. Keith knows that it'll feel like a good-bye. That she'll tell herself that she's been abandoned. Maybe she'll be right. But right now, walking away feels better than giving her more things to latch on to and twist in her pain.

So forward he goes. That's the only way he can go right now.]

Edited 2018-03-08 05:48 (UTC)

[ One more thing Keith's right about, after all. Watching him walk away feels like having her chest split open. She wants to double over, succumb to it, but … she doesn't. She has watched this play out before. The tears come more freely, and she stands there, staring after him.

It's a confusing message. He believes in her, but he doesn't trust her. He's not giving up, but he's walking away. It's like he wants to go through the motions of being her friend without having to stick around for it. Maybe he really had just been trying to cut through the messy part so he could stop having to deal with it.

Her instinct is to go to Finn, but—

But Keith had told Poe, so Finn was gone. Who else did she have left? ]

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[closed] with the strength of a will and a cause

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